AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

I think the OP needs to be worried for as many years as he's capable of getting an erection.

She can probably relax after that.

But I am still not clear about what you are saying you were “delusional” about?

I know someone who’s married and happy that started out as an affair. His marriage was not great, she was single. They’ve been together for 12 years now and are very happy. I also know another couple, he was single she was in a very unhappy marriage they’ve now been together nearly 30 years. So I guess it does work out sometimes

I think given you are only 15 years in… it’s quite complacent to presume your relationship isn’t doomed

People like to think life is fair, and so tell themselves that a relationship starting in an affair must be doomed. In reality life is unfair in many ways and it's s perfectly possible for people to cheat, leave two devastated ex partners reeling from the shock and then go on to have an amazing relationship.

Just as high school bullies sometimes go on to have amazing lives and nasty people sometimes end up wealthy and happy.

It's not fair but then life isn't fair.

Honestly there are so many people in the world I just can’t imagine it being worth it to choose someone who has shown how little respect they have for someone they chose to be a life partner.

The biggest mistake anyone can make is believing they are different, or better, they’re most often just a bit behind in time.

Good luck OP, hope we don’t see you back soon after finding texts/gifts/visits elsewhere.

I think people can have commtted relationships after staring as an affair. Sure it's less likely then a relationship starting as single people but it can happen. I know of couples that have had really committed relationships for over 30 years, I know of others that fizzled.out straight away once the excitement had gone. I do think people like to think that they don't though as a sort of karma.

Because he slept with her THEN told her he was married. Lying by omission surely.

What a horrible story.

Poor pregnant wife. Poor kids.

But hey, your bil got his piece and your sis got a love story. Marvellous.

Ain’t life grand how it turns out so well (with a few casualties along the way).

I'm sorry but why does it matter whether you 'expected' it or not?

You chose to do it (assuming it was consensual) so there was no 'before I knew it' at all.

My friend had an affair for two years. Left her husband. Had time alone. The OM was engaged. Of course they ended up together, but no one knows it was an affair (more lies). It's been on and off for over 15 years, never lived together, won't be a marriage, just what's the point?

Also know of someone else having an affair for over four years, if they do get together properly it will end up in a marriage and will last. IMO.

My dad and step mother have been married over 30 years and seemingly happy, so yes it does happen. I think a lot of people like to think it doesn’t because it feels unfair that the two people who were responsible for (often) a lot of hurt, get a happy ending.

There will always be exceptions to the rule, my sister is one.

She and Bil got together 22 years ago, they were work colleagues. My sister was single and he was married with 5 kids and another on the way. They started an affair and he left his wife 3 months before his youngest was born, he and my sister have been together ever since. It's hard to believe going by what I've just written but he's actually a really lovely guy he just married way too young (16) and they both should never have had so many kids, they were never a compatible couple. The ex went on to have 2 more kids with a known sex offender!

I don't condone what they've done at all and I still shudder when I think about how they met and the impact it has had on his poor (now) adult kids, however, they love my sister and she and my bil have been very happy over the years even though it has been a challenging relationship.

So yes, for some it does work out ok but there will always be casualties imo. As I say, I personally do not condone affairs one bit but like my sister and bil your situation also seems to have worked out ok.

You know what happens when a man marries his mistress?

It creates a vacancy.

You know he can cheat and he knows that you think cheating is fine. Might work out but it's a pretty unstable basis for a life.

I dated a guy when I was younger who had very little to do with his dad because he had left his Mum for another woman. They got married and had kids and had probably been together for about 15 years at that point. He would always refer to her though as the other woman and his dad’s mistress and bit on the side, not his dad’s wife. I did wonder at what point the judgement of the affair ends and there’s acceptance that actually they were happy and got married and had clearly built a loving and lovely life together. Does the judgement ever end though? Look at Camilla, many still see the affair, not the marriage.

How long had he been together with the ex? Did they choose not to have children?

Sure, the number of relationships that survive for a long time that started from an affair is above zero. I think it would be silly to pretend otherwise.

I don't think 15 years would be long enough for me to rule out such issues or entirely relax personally, but tbf I've never been where you're sitting.