AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

I don’t think anyone can really know for sure if their other half would be faithful but if you know a relationship has started as an affair how can you ever really trust them to not do it you as well?

It must be a strange combination of ego and naivety.
I just would not be able to trust the foundations of the relationship because of how it began.

Everyone commenting saying they know of successful stories. You don’t truly know what happens in peoples marriages. Someone could still be cheating etc and let’s face it if a relationship started as an affair I actually think a lot of people would absolutely not tell anyone if they found out a partner was cheating again to save face.

It's possible. Anything is possible. But a relationship that starts with one partner being lying and deceitful to a person that they vowed to love and be faithful to is simply a lot less likely to succeed than one that doesn't.

Name changed obviously.

I've been married to DH for 30 years, we started out as a office affair. We were both married, both had kids, both unhappy in our marriages. We each knew it was a dreadful thing to do. It was messy to say the least, and people got hurt, including the children. Which we are both sorry for, and still feel guilty. Even though they all now appear to be well adjusted adults, and are successful, with jobs and their own homes, some with children, some not.

My ex husband is now married to a woman that is a much better match for him than I ever was. DH's ex wife, has not remarried, but is is a long term relationship, and seems to be happy as far as I can tell.

We have been, and continue to be very happy together. We both recently retired, and are enjoying our time pottering about. Yes we were selfish in the extreme, but I cannot regret it.

all parties worked hard to get through it and keep civil for the sake of the children

I mean, really what that means is the wife worked hard to crush down her feelings of betrayal and anger for the sake of the children, while her erstwhile husband and his affair partner were sitting pretty. Having read a thread on Mumsnet recently where this sort of dynamic was going on, it sounds utterly horrendous to go through.

Personally I could never have any respect for someone who has an affair. You are with someone and committed to them. If you are unhappy then have the guts to leave and then start a new relationship. Affairs indicate selfishness and impatience - not character traits you want in a partner. I dont think all relationships that start that way are doomed to failure but its quite a seedy way to start a new relationship and a relationship built out of shame may take a little more work.

Everyone is different so of course some relationships that start as affairs actually work out.

DW and I were friends for five years before we got together. I was married, and she was in a LTR. We didn't have a physical fair, but certainly had an emotional one. I knew how I felt, and she knew she felt the same.
We bonded over how badly our relationship/marriage was, spent a lot of time supporting each other.
She told me how she felt one night via text and I admitted to her that I felt the same. We broke up with who we were with that night, took some time apart to deal with the fallout and support our children, and then eventually met up, got together and haven't looked back since. It's been 8 years (married for 4) and we have a child together now, too who their siblings absolutely adore.

Although I will say I don't condone cheating, especially not going out of your way to cheat (like online dating, clubbing with intent etc) and a lot of people will say once a cheat, always a cheat because they've been hurt, possibly by more than one person. Also, when someone has been cheated on, they don't need to hear how well it could work out for their ex and who they cheated on them with.

My closest friend met her now husband while he was married. He was in an arranged marriage (Indian) which he had gone through with for his parents’ sakes (my ex husband js a friend of his so we know all the parties involved). They were happy enough and both had gone into the arrangement with open eyes and knowing that theirs wasn’t a big romance but there was deep love and friendship which grew over the years. He confided in my then husband that he felt something was missing, especially after we’d married (not arranged and I’m English) and he saw the differences between us and them. They had a couple of kids and plodded along for a few years before he met my friend at a party we were hosting. They hit it off, an affair started and the fell for each other. The affair went on for a few months before he decided to leave his marriage. Obviously things were a bit difficult for a while but all parties worked hard to get through it and keep civil for the sake of the children (who were pre teens then). 15 years on and they are still together, still happy and the ex wife has gone on to have a new relationship and is also very happy.

so yes, it can work.

Affairs can become a long term relationship. My dad left my mum in 1987 for a woman he had been having an affair for about 8 months. They're still together after 40 years. Not married but I have a half sister a decade younger than me.

My dad and his partner seem happy enough. I remain hopeful that all his and her disdain for "paperwork" means neither has made a will and he eventually dies intestate. My mother was completely devastated by what he did. And also blames herself because he had an earlier affair that she forgave.

Exactly. I couldn’t get over the disdain I would have for a liar and a cheat, even if I was fucking them. And therefore couldn’t imagine building a life together, getting married, having kids etc.

You don’t sound like you were too faffed either way!

OP you’ll never get an unbiased opinion regarding affairs on MN because the subject is like a beacon to women who’ve been cheated on. Likewise you’ll never get the true statistics either because people won’t admit how their relationship started. I’d honestly not worry about what strangers on the internet think and just be happy, life’s too short for anything else.

If you are a believer in karma then surely you must believe that you somehow deserved to be cheating on as your karma ....

Unless you think karma only applies to other people and not you.

I think for people who are harmed by the affair (so spouses, kids) there's no motivation for them to stop judging the cheater, who is filled with justifications (and in the case of the kids, wants them to 'forget' it and don't want to face up to how much harm they've caused), and as there's no real remorse, responsibility taken, or amends made, the victims of it frequently continue to judge. As a child who was in that situation, a quarter of a century later I still view my father, who I have very little to do with, with mild contempt. It goes with the territory.

40 years ago this sutumn, my parents' best friends broke up because of his affair. He's still married to the affair partner, now they're in their 80s.

I think if someone was a serial philandering,there would be little expectation of it lasting second (third, fourth) time round. But then, another schoolfriend, her father's been with the same woman over 20 years now, and he got through quite a few in younger years.

I have a family member who had an affair and walked out in their family. They got divorced and married the affair partner. They seem happy. The family left behind, not so much.

Of course. I am the product of an affair that morphed into a 45 year marriage.

Its not popular to admit that on here because understandably people who have been cheated on don’t want the successive relationship to work and obviously its not a great start to a relationship and causes pain and suffering to a lot of people.

But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t ever work out.

Having been on the receiving end of an affair, your behaviour affects others. It very nearly destroyed me at the time. If you aren’t happy in a relationship, leave but don’t destroy an innocent person with shitty selfish behaviour. I am a firm believer in karma!

As I say I don't condone it at all, I was simply answering OPs question.

I have been with my DH since we were both 15 (now in our 50's) and we are very much against affairs, in fact my DH wouldn't talk to my sister for a while once he discovered what she had been part of and even all these years later it still irks us both and my sister has admitted she has always been deeply ashamed. I'm not going into the ex-wife's life too much but she isn't a particularly nice person (the children have a very strained relationship with her), due to many things she has done which I won't mention on her, I don't feel sorry for her at all. It's the kids I have always had sympathy for, it has had a massive impact on their lives. My heart will always go out to them.

So no, life 'ain't grand' at all and there have been many many bumps over the years but the cold truth is that my sister's and bil's relationship did start from an affair but they are still together decades later just as op and her DH are.

Agreed
but op is 40, he’s 46

hardly nearing the end of their lives together

No one is talking about how he parents or how much you love your kids

You don’t know whether or not your relationship is doomed. He is only 46. You have been together 15 years.

But I am most curious about what you think you were delusional about given you then say how well everything worked out

Only 15 years? 😂 That’s longer than a lot of marriages last these days!

I know a fair few people in long term happy relationships that started as affairs.

Ah, apologies.