AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

Is this a race to the bottom?

Well done you for having a relationship that isn't particularly long with a man that may well have cheated on you and if he hasn't already, probably will.

Haha 😄

There are always exceptions. In these cases, the ones that work tend to be ones like the King and Queen's, where they already knew each other and should have married each other in the beginning, and this was their only affair.

Most relationships that start from affairs don't work out. But there are no absolutes on it. There will always be some that buck the odds.

I didn't read that he lied to her. OP knew he was married but thought it was a brief fling and expected him to go back to his wife

OP tripped and fell on his penis.

Yes, MN has a very inflexible view on quite a lot of things, this included. It doesn't mirror real life - but I guess that's the outcome of anonymous forums. There's a lot of I would nevers and how could theys. People can claim to be anything they want on here, accurate or not, and being able to be self-righteously judgemental without anyone knowing is very alluring.

40 years ago my Dp had an affair . It was very traumatic for me as I was you g, I had moved out of the aea a d had no friends or job. My mum told me i had made my bed, dont bother coming back etc.

He is still with his ' affair partner', who has been his wife for about 36 years. They have grandchildren and a nice life.

They are much more suited together than me and him were but it didnt feel like that at the time! Once the dust settled down I went on to have great relationship and have been with dh since 1990

Out of my wider group of friends, there are four marriages that started out as affairs (no children involved, all happened in their 20s/early 30s). All four are still together, and two couples have gone on to have children. It’s not something I really think about, it’s been so long, I don’t really think about how they got together. About a third of the rest of the group have divorced, but these were the couples that have been together since uni, so more of a growing apart issue I think.

I did many a stupid thing in my 20s, of which I have no intention of doing again! I don’t think once a cheater is always a cheater, people aren’t as binary as that.

What a lot of arrogance. Do you also know the lottery numbers and the day you'll die?

Of course not every relationship that starts in an affair will be a disaster. There are demonstrably loads of relationships that began that way and last for the rest of the couple’s lives.

Nothing is inevitable and every couple is different.

There are also many, many different reasons, motives and circumstances for affairs. In real life, people don’t dutifully conform to stereotype and don’t behave in the neat and predictable ways other people have mapped out for them.

None of this means it’s morally OK to have an affair, obviously. The fact that something works out well for someone doesn’t mean there’s nothing for them to feel guilty about. But ultimately, someone who made the wrong decision about who to marry meets the right person for them while they’re married. It’s messy and people get hurt but that’s true of a lot of things in life, sadly.

My mum was unhappily married with two small children when she met my dad and had an affair with him. They were then very happily married for over 50 years until my dad died.

I don’t think it’s as black and white as that, personally. I cheated in one of my relationships. I’m not proud of it but, paradoxically, I am glad I did it: that particular relationship was very toxic and awful; he made me so unhappy but used to tell me no-one else would want to be with me —and I believed him. He isolated me from my friends and family and I felt incredibly lonely. Then I met someone —on a work trip — who did want to be with me, and we had a brief fling. That gave me the courage to end the first relationship. (I also ended the fling as I realised he wasn’t for me either, and to this day my then partner doesn’t know I cheated.) I’ve had other relationships where I wouldn’t dream of cheating — including with my now DH.
TBH, I think we’re all capable of dishonesty in certain circumstances.

It's a risk though isn't it? I'd never get into a relationship with a man who'd had an affair the same way I'd never get into a relationship with a man who had been abusive towards an ex. Yes, people can and do change. I have even seen perpetrators of domestic violence change. I've seen people with no history of infidelity or abuse go on to do those things too. So no relationship is safe, but when there's proof of poor character I wouldn't make my self vulnerable to being mistreated.

Two people with no moral scruples.

What could go wrong...

Nearly every bully I knew in school I've seen posting on social media about the fact that their own children are now being bullied in school. Which is very sad and horrible for their children, but its the whole "sins of the fathers" thing. Sometimes karma doesn't come for you directly, sometimes it can be your family.

YANBU, it’s perfectly normal for terrible people to stay together.

No. I think some work.

I also know affairs that have stood the test of time but I will call bs on the we’ve been unhappy crap- I can bet you she didn’t know about how unhappy’they’ were until he landed it on her.

That's not what the op said. Reread her posts properly.

I think a lot of people like to think their doesn’t happen because ultimately it is unfair.

Nope! I actually know quite a few couples that got together from having an affair and they have all been cheated on themselves in return.

Of course there might be some people it works out for but in general if someone can cheat quite happily then that speaks to their personality doesn't it and the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. Thats why people struggle to change. I am not saying its impossible but its rare and from what I have observed those that met via cheating have largely been cheated on.

What I don't understand is, why can't some people find their own, unattached, partners? Why go after someone who they know isn't single? It doesn't matter how "unhappy" they say they are, they need to sort that out themselves, then when they're single, fine, go for it. But until then, either find someone else who is single, or be happy being on your own until you do.

As someone else said, there are more than enough people in this world.

You will be well equipped to explain to your 4 children in the future why their spouses divorced them, to say that it is for the better, that their cheating spouse will go on to have 4 children with the co-cheater and that they should be happy for the outcome. I suppose that will be a positive.

Obviously relationships that start as affairs can last, but that isn't typical, and it's still a very shitty thing to do to another person, regardless of whether or not the married person has kids. Would you have been okay with it if he'd cheated on you before you got pregnant?

Anyway, why even ask? You know some relationships starting as affairs can last (at least 15 years), so... What's the point here?

ETA: And yes, I'd worry about if/when your children find out about the origin of the relationship.

There was nothing stopping him from recognising he was unhappy in his marriage and breaking it off before dating another women. As soon as he realised he wanted to date you, he should have done the honest, decent thing and ended his marriage. He didn't, and you were happy to sleep with him knowing he had a wife at home, none the wiser. It's a sleazy start to a relationship, whatever the future holds.

Hi op do you trust each other 100%. Are you confident he’s not shagging behind your back if your future dils do this to you sons will you say oh never mind son her happiness is important. It’s life it happens. Or will you be thinking bitch has broke my sons heart hope karma gets her.