AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

You’ve made a deal with the devil knowing his flaws, but you’re correct that many men do marry and have families with former mistress eg our king and my ex from my 20s

I know a couple who were both married to other people when they got together. The left their spouses 27 years ago and have been together ever since and they are utterly devoted to each other.

Of all the couples I know that started as affairs, both or at least one have admitted to have cheated since getting together or at least one doesn't trust the other. There are success stories no doubt, but are they truly happy and based on trust?

But @Tinahowls said this TWO hours ago and it's been picked up on repeatedly.

I think it's safe to say she knows now!

Exactly. You don’t know if he has already cheated, and if things get rough he has proven that his reaction is to cheat. I’m not sure you are as secure as you think you are.

I think it's probably the minority of affair relationships that last, because let's face it, most people who have affairs do it because they're untrustworthy and like shagging around.

However, I do know a couple who are now in their 60s, still very happily married after a short affair when they were in their 30s (both married with kids) that ended after they were found out, then another affair a decade later, after which they left their respective spouses and got together properly.

my (proven) take on this is, you lose ‘em how you get ‘em

But this is unusual… to be 🤷‍♀️ about someone you go on to support through the massive dramas of a break up, divorced and go on to marry him.

A month in, I personally knew that it was serious enough that I’d have been gutted to lose him

You just seem to have been…. Well it doesn’t have any future so no biggie

How do you know he hasn’t cheated on you?

MIL was married for 22 years before finding out that FIL had been cheating on her.

Where did you get that from? OP knew full well he was married. She's one of the bad guys here.

We got on well, started meeting up going for drinks, food, dancing and, before I knew it, we were started sleeping together.

Dating. Going out for food, drinks, and dancing is called dating. You were dating someone else’s husband. I don’t understand the faux naivety about how you accidentally had sex with the man who you’d been dating.

I was conceived during a love affair between my married (to other people) parents. They each left their spouses (both had other children from their marriages) and lived happily ever after until my father died around three decades later.

This makes it worse! You happily admit you saw it as a bit of fun without any thought to how his wife would feel! You were happy to risk pain to another person as you were just having a short term bit of fun!

My ex and his affair partner were married and happy last I heard. It was a long time ago now but hearing that made me feel weirdly at peace with what happened

What intrigues me is how unbothered the op seemed as to whether the relationship was long term or just a fling. Seemed like didn’t care either way! Hardly love story of the century

Also the definition of being happily together can be in the eye of the beholder. I know someone whose dad and stepmum have been together for over 30 years. Her mum - who refuses to be in the presence of her stepmum still - would claim that they are far from happy, that the stepmum is a manipulative temptress who still controls him through almost magical powers. If you actually spend time with them they seem like an entirely typical late middle aged couple, companionable and affectionate. Whether they were a success story would sound very different depending on whether you asked the mum or the stepmum - and I think the mum would be much the likelier of the two to be posting about it anonymously online.

When I was a child my parents had a book called “how to build an affair proof marriage” I remember reading it at about age 11 because I was bored.

What I remember from that book has stuck with me my whole life. Every single person is capable of having an affair in the right circumstances. I think it’s very naive to think anyone is immune to it. People do all sorts of things they never imagined they would do.

The key to a good marriage is definitely protecting and prioritising your marriage. Remaining connected, not taking each other for granted.

Life is far more complicated and messy for a one size fits all rule to apply!

He's only about 46.

She'll have to watch him until he's at least 70+.

I would've said 60+ but with the invention of Viagra, he can go a bit longer I expect.

😆😆

My friend had an affair because she was deeply unhappy in her marriage to a selfish inflexible man who expected her to drop all her career and family hopes for him. The man she had an affair with was also married, to a woman who constantly belittled him. So they were made out to be the "villains" for doing something about a situation that suited their respects spouses, who would have happily continued getting what they wanted.

They've been happily married 20 years now.