AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

Woman next door has three children to her ex husband....and youngest child with her now husband. The youngest was conceived whilst her third born child was only 4yo....and she was still married to her first husband at that time. I couldn't imagine playing away like that especially with children involved. Disgusting. They deserve each other by the sounds of it. I wouldn't trust her current husband as far as I could throw him. Obviously sniffing around married women (with children). Boak.

At your wedding… did loads of people know about the affair?

What on earth are you waffling on about?

If someone posted their dh was a secret gambler - he would be slated

If someone posted their partner was abusive - the partner would be slated

But there are all sorts of similar things, is the point.

One of my close friends found out her DH had spent 85k in secret gambling, similar deceit/more financial pain.

I have a family member whose wife is emotionally abusive and is just constantly shouting at him and controlling every aspect of his behaviour. That's pretty awful too.

But on here it's like cheating is the only possible bad thing you can do in a marriage. And somehow it's always men and the women being cheated on are perfect and never did anything wrong

Did you and he discuss expectations around fidelity when you got married?

Shame on him if he fools you once...
A man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy...
You can never trust someone who has cheated. Ideally, you should believe your partner if they say they're working late/seeing friends/you should never feel the need to look at his/her phone.
But with someone who has cheated, you can never have that level of trust. I suppose it's up to any adult what they do (though it seems weird to marry if you don't believe in vows), but if kids are involved, you're also teaching them not to ever have proper trust.

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Call no man happy until he is dead

According to MN every cheater needs hanging and will definitely do it again, every affair relationship is doomed, nobody ever tells even the smallest of fibs in a 'proper' relationship and life is so cut and dried that every relationship ends neatly until the next one neatly begins.

Real life isn't like that. People get together in all sorts of ways. People cheat for all sorts of reasons..shit happens. I know quite a lot of people who got together for an affair and it's lasted ever since, for many many years of marriage and kids etc. Affairs are still very taboo (rightfully so) and a hell of a lot more common than people think

Emotional affairs are just as scummy imo. They love to give themselves this huge pat on the back- "We were very decent and honest because nothing happened until we ended our relationships!!".
Pull the other one, you were still lying, sneaking around and betraying your partner, you still snagged the second it was officially over so get a trip.

For me it's the sheer arrogance of thinking they wouldn't ever do it to you too.
Also I couldn't respect someone who was able to lie to and cheat on the person they chose as their partner at the time.
They'll come out with all sorts of excuses 'sexless, toxic, fizzled out' and so on but it really doesn't matter, it's still cheating.

@villadicance" I don't think that if you do cheat, it automatically makes your ex the victim"

I disagree.

It not the cheating that's the problem IMO. It's the lying and gaslighting that goes along with it. To say nothing on spending family money on someone else, without your consent, money that you've helped to earn for the marriage.

When I found out my exH was cheating it was a relief because I then knew I wasn't losing my mind.

You need to have been in the situation to understand the impact it has on your psyche.

She assumed the relationship was just a fling with no future and was surprised that he seemed to see it more seriously.

Not sure about others, but the man I went on to marry, I didn’t feel “easy come easy go” after a month together.

I wondered about this - OP seems very, well, 'lightweight' almost to the point of being detached.
She says that she started the affair as a 'bit of fun' and isn't too bothered if he cheats.
I know that "love is all things to all people" but.....

There's nothing arrogant about knowing you'd never cheat. I was cheated on by my first husband. It was mindblowingly painful.
So yes, I know that I will never, ever do it to another person, the same way I know I have no intention of ever driving drunk or punching someone in the face just because they annoy me. We all have moral lines we won't cross.
Maybe other people feel its a grey line, but plenty of us aren't willing to cross it because we know first hand how much damage it does.

Ex DP (together nearly 10 years) has kids and is married to the OW. They seem happy/normal. He cheated a lot in our relationship but I don't really think he would do it in his current relationship. We were best friends but an awful couple.

I agree with you fwiw.

I think people are complicated.

Some people are compulsive cheaters and those people are unlikely to fundamentally change without a lot of effort and desire to change

But some people cheat because they fall head over heels for someone else and will never cheat on that person because they love them

I also think - but this is for some reason super controversial on Mumsnet - that cheating isn't the worst thing ever in a relationship. There are lots of bad things you can do in a relationship and cheating is just one of them.

People aren't perfect - sure if you are being badly treated, controlled, financially abused etc ideally you get out rather than cheat but equally I don't think that if you do cheat, it automatically makes your ex the victim

And sometimes people just aren't right for each other and it takes someone else to come along for you to see it.

And no I wasn't the OW, nor have I had an affair.

Yeah they’re not doomed to failure but I think they speak to the morality of those who engage in them.

But yeah plenty of people are with their affair partner decades later.

That’s fair enough, I do understand moving on from a 25 year old’s transgressions vs someone 10 years older. I say that as someone who married under 25 myself. You have to accept people grow, change and learn.

I wish! I met a couple of my exes in bars, didn’t manage to leave either of them in one unfortunately!

I don’t think the OP sounds flat at all? She sounds in love with her husband and family and is too busy enjoying her life rather than worry about something that probably won’t happen in the future. There are many reasons that couples split up, why would you want drain yourself by being constantly worried about something that you can’t do anything about?

It’s not so much that “when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy” but more, some people will accept their relationship isn’t working out, recognise that and try to fix it or end the relationship before looking for the next partner. Other people will wait until they’ve got a better offer lined up before they let go of the first relationship. It’s the mindset that it’s ok to try out a new relationship before committing to ending your current one. That’s the risk with marrying your affair partner.

You are marrying someone that if they are still in love with you, alls good. If they fall out of love with you, you might not be the first person to know about it.

The energy on this thread isn’t “flat”

but from the outset of this relationship… your stance seems to have been flat