AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

Im not going to tell my children that affairs are good thing but if there was a situation like that I would tell them. I’m not perfect I don’t need my children to think I’m perfect or pure or moral. I made a mistake, their father made a mistake. I don’t think mistakes sum up who are forever but that’s just my view on things.

I do not know her, it has nothing to do with me really. He chose to end his marriage, he said he wasn’t happy in that marriage.

I like being married to him, he makes me happy I’ve never doubted that he doesn’t love me we just click and we clicked back then too. We made a silly mistake life goes on we can’t go back in time.

I didn’t really care about his marriage at 25. He told me he was going to leave her to get to know me and that’s what he did. I think they were married young and he just didn’t want to be married anymore. We spent time getting to know one another.

I’m not proud of how our relationship started but also life goes on I can’t keep dwelling on it. If people ask how we met we are honest we haven’t made up a story, I personally don’t really care to be judged. I just posted it to show things aren’t always black and white MN like to think life is very black and white no nuances and that all ‘evil’ people suffer. People make mistakes, people aren’t perfect and one decision doesn’t sum up your entire character for the rest of your life but that’s just my take on it.

Marry the mistress it leaves a vacancy

Marry the mistress it leaves a vacancy

I know this won't be a popular post at all and I’ll get piled on too but I don’t mind I'm genuinely just interested in people's views.

Fifteen years ago I met my now husband through a friend of a friend. We got on well, started meeting up going for drinks, food, dancing and, before I knew it, we were started sleeping together. It lasted about a month.He was married at the time. They didn't have children.

I'll be honest, I never expected it to become anything serious. I genuinely thought it would be a brief fling, we'd come to our senses and go our separate ways.

Instead, after about a month, he told me he wanted to leave his wife. I was actually quite taken aback because I hadn't expected him to do that. He said his marriage had been unhappy for a long time, although obviously I only had his side of the story.

He left, they divorced and we got to properly get to know each other, we took things slowly after that, and we're now married with four children. We've been together for 15 years and have a good family life.

Whenever affairs come up on here, the general consensus seems to be that the relationship is bound to fail, or that the ‘other woman’ never really ends up happy.That hasn't been our experience.

I'm not saying affairs are acceptable or that I feel proud of how our relationship started. I know people were hurt, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But equally, I can't pretend I regret the life we've built together.

Not necessarily AIBU more so discussion based on the previous posts I’ve seen on here

I was married to a not so nice man. I ended up having an affair for 7 months with a single man. I eventually left my then husband and moved in with single man. Happily married now for 20 years. He’s the absolute love of my life x

I agree with you fwiw.

I think people are complicated.

Some people are compulsive cheaters and those people are unlikely to fundamentally change without a lot of effort and desire to change

But some people cheat because they fall head over heels for someone else and will never cheat on that person because they love them

I also think - but this is for some reason super controversial on Mumsnet - that cheating isn't the worst thing ever in a relationship. There are lots of bad things you can do in a relationship and cheating is just one of them.

People aren't perfect - sure if you are being badly treated, controlled, financially abused etc ideally you get out rather than cheat but equally I don't think that if you do cheat, it automatically makes your ex the victim

And sometimes people just aren't right for each other and it takes someone else to come along for you to see it.

And no I wasn't the OW, nor have I had an affair.

I guess they didn’t mind coming to the wedding

You’re just making assumptions.

@villadicance "One of my close friends found out her DH had spent 85k in secret gambling, similar deceit/more financial pain."

That's not a good situation at all.
But he's not in love with a fruit machine, isn't shagging it regularly on the QT, isn't going to catch an STD off it and going to leave her for it, is he?

In fact he needs to stay so she can help him get out of the crappy situation he's created.

I also wonder this about how those stories go at weddings......interesting. I suspect my NDN doesn't brag about their situation.

I know this won't be a popular post at all and I’ll get piled on too but I don’t mind I'm genuinely just interested in people's views.

Fifteen years ago I met my now husband through a friend of a friend. We got on well, started meeting up going for drinks, food, dancing and, before I knew it, we were started sleeping together. It lasted about a month.He was married at the time. They didn't have children.

I'll be honest, I never expected it to become anything serious. I genuinely thought it would be a brief fling, we'd come to our senses and go our separate ways.

Instead, after about a month, he told me he wanted to leave his wife. I was actually quite taken aback because I hadn't expected him to do that. He said his marriage had been unhappy for a long time, although obviously I only had his side of the story.

He left, they divorced and we got to properly get to know each other, we took things slowly after that, and we're now married with four children. We've been together for 15 years and have a good family life.

Whenever affairs come up on here, the general consensus seems to be that the relationship is bound to fail, or that the ‘other woman’ never really ends up happy.That hasn't been our experience.

I'm not saying affairs are acceptable or that I feel proud of how our relationship started. I know people were hurt, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But equally, I can't pretend I regret the life we've built together.

Not necessarily AIBU more so discussion based on the previous posts I’ve seen on here

Obviously relationships that start as affairs can last, but that isn't typical, and it's still a very shitty thing to do to another person, regardless of whether or not the married person has kids. Would you have been okay with it if he'd cheated on you before you got pregnant?

Anyway, why even ask? You know some relationships starting as affairs can last (at least 15 years), so... What's the point here?

ETA: And yes, I'd worry about if/when your children find out about the origin of the relationship.

There was nothing stopping him from recognising he was unhappy in his marriage and breaking it off before dating another women. As soon as he realised he wanted to date you, he should have done the honest, decent thing and ended his marriage. He didn't, and you were happy to sleep with him knowing he had a wife at home, none the wiser. It's a sleazy start to a relationship, whatever the future holds.

At your wedding… did loads of people know about the affair?