AIBU to think not every relationship that starts as an affair is doomed?

I don't understand why she was 'delusional' at 25. She was a fully grown adult making choices; she might not think she was, but she was.

No, not at all. The husband and the wife worked together to make sure that the children were not damaged by what was going on with their parents. They are in young adults themselves with good relationships with their parents and step parents. Their parents explained what had happened together and handled every conversation after that together.
I honestly don’t think that the wife felt betrayed as such, disappointed maybe, but betrayal indicates a romantic relationship that was stronger than the friendship/companionship/ co,parenting relationship that they actually had from the start.

I don’t think anyone wants anything from the op. She seems utterly unenthusiastic about this marriage anyway!

Much of MN is childishly simplistic about affairs and those who have them. Life is not black and white, people are not good or evil.

One of the happiest couples I know started as an affair. They have been married over 40 years, now in their 80s and absolutely dote on each other. I knew both the first spouses too. The second marriage was a better choice for both of them.

My own marriage has been through an affair and reconciled. I have never had any doubt of my husband's sincerity that it will not happen again. We lived apart while he had therapy and came back as a very much easier to live with version of himself. People can and do change.

It’s not a mistake then
and you wouldn’t go back in time

both of which you said. You said a few times it was a mistake. And that you’d go back in time

OP is not ever going to say or feel what some posters are clearly trying to make her say or feel. It's a pointless exercise. She's being honest; you aren't ever going to like the answers but they aren't going to change.

They're in the tiny minority.

I know of a couple who started an affair - he had 5 DC and left his wife for the OW and they lasted until her death a few years ago. His ex-wife suffered at the time though, left on her own with 5 DC.

The there's my own father - who I did adore - but he left my mum when I was quite young for an OW. He had 2 more DC with wife no.2 then 22 years later left her for yet another OW. I remember my Aunt saying disparagingly 'to do it once is bad enough, but TWICE!!"

Most affairs either burn out because the bloke won't leave his wife, or burn out because it turns out the grass isn't greener after all.

Anyway OP - your DH is now mid-40s? You may be OK, but you've got the midlife crisis era coming right up... nobody thought my Dad would ever leave my stepmum after so many years...

You have no idea what you will do in the future. You know what you don't think you'll do, that's all you can say with certainty.

Ordinary people do all sorts of things they swore they would never do, all the time, in all countries, all throughout history. To think yourself above it in any circumstance is extremely arrogant.

"We made a silly mistake"

That's pants - well for your part, can't speak about his.

If I go to a bus stop to get a No 8 bus and get on a No 3 because I don't have my distance glasses with me - that's a "silly mistake".

If go into a supermarket for a can of baked beans and grab a can of baked beans and sausages (I'm a vegetarian) that's a "silly mistake".

Putting a married man's penis inside you isn't a "silly mistake", it's a deliberate act that you arranged because you wanted it to happen. Please don't insult people's intelligence by expecting us to believe such nonsense

Right so weird to repeat that it was a “mistake” and to say that you “can’t go back in time” indicating that if you could you would do something different. Very odd

You have said a couple of times that it was a mistake and you can’t go back in time.

So if you could go back in time?

Some things are black and white though, aren’t they?

It's hard to believe going by what I've just written but he's actually a really lovely guy

it is impossible actually

Relationships can last when values align.

He had 5 kids and one on the way? That's one of the worst things I've ever heard.

Do you know how many people suicide in these scenarios?

And very salacious how you've added your comment about his poor ex ending up with a sex offender. It's not like she deliberately signed up for that.

odd you regard it as a “mistake”?

That indicates regret.

What was your “mistake”?

I think more often than not relationships born out of affairs usually fail or end up miserable due to the cheater cheating, again. But a lot do end successfully. It really depends on the intricacies of the people themselves and the relationship dynamic.

Someone in an abusive relationship who cheats because they finally feel happy and safe again will likely go onto achieve a successful relationship with the new person as they were invested in that individual.

Someone who is cheating because they have no self-control and are impulsive etc etc will be unlikely to have a successful relationship as it is a personal issue within themselves, not a problem with the relationship.

There are many examples of the two, but you get the idea. If someone cheats due to an issue in the relationship, they will likely be able to form a successful new relationship. If someone cheats due to character flaws, they will likely be unsuccessful in forming a new relationship. Sadly, most cheaters seem to do so due to the latter reason and is why I think they're unlikely to succeed in future relationships.

MY parents relationship started as an affair, their marriage lasted for decades, til mum sadly passed away.

Well he’s a lier and you’re a cheat match made in heaven then. Is that what you'd want for your own children who will judge you both one day? karma will catch up with you both btw you sound very smug that’s never attractive