I can't help being overly invested in adult ds life

He will be surrounded by people if he lives in base.
Coming home he probably decompresses

I would have a look at resources / charities specifically for families of armed forces people - this sounds like a common situation - he's getting social time with people at work and is trying to enjoy some alone time / down time when with you.

You may have a branch of the Royal British Legion near you - that's the kind of place he might want to visit (or might be a busman's holiday).

Don't encourage more drinking in the pub - alcohol will affect his training and there are lots of stories of soldiers becoming alcoholics in part because so much drinking is condoned in the military.

Some people don’t ‘claim’ to be happy with it - they are actually happier on their own.

Plus social isolation is the last thing he’s going to be experiencing given he’s in the forces.

Being in a relationship is far from being a golden ticket to happiness. And making people think their choice is invalid is weird.

OP you seem to be struggling with the concept that some people don't have a need to be with others all the time.

He's with comrades day and night and no doubt has close relationships there. I'm sure he values time alone away from such close proximity to people!

He is living HIS life, not yours!

He sounds like hes doing great. I think you are framing it wrong by thinking left behind, he is just following his own path and if it makes him happy its the right path for him.

this. if he's in the armed forces he's probably with people day in, day out, with minimal privacy or time alone in his normal day. possibly for months on end if deployed.

Introverts NEED time alone to recharge. It doesn't mean he hates people or doesn't have friends, but if he's with people constantly in a busy work environment it's no wonder he just wants to chill on leave.

I can guarantee he'd probably prefer to be chilling alone on NYE than a pity hang out with his parents. It's really just a day like any other, it's only a big deal if you want it to be. It's no more sad or depressing to be alone on 31 December than it would be on 2 August or 18 January or any other random day.

OP, the good news is that you realise that you are overinvested in his life.
But, really....?
He has a great life! He has a career, interests and a good head on his shoulders. Not everyone wants or needs a partner. Some people are perfectly happy with few friends, and happy to spend time alone - that's actually a great gift.
And who gives a wotsit about New Year's Eve? It's a non- event, and he's perfectly happy for you to go away.
If anything, I'd be encouraging him to find a place of his own, and then he can truly have his independence. Because, if you're not careful, all this fussing over a capable adult will just alienate him, and drive him away for good.
Concentrate on your own life, and leave him to manage his.

You have not understood my point!!!

Those are her priorities, not his. It's not that complicated.

I camt think of much worse than spending new years with parents who pity me! Def go on the holiday!

Don’t army lads tend to hang out with each other? He’s probably sick of seeing other people at work and at home wants to decompress.

Maybe he doesn't want those things.

I think that there are broader concerns about social isolation and loneliness and it's understandable that OP doesn't want to see her son go this way. Something becoming more normal doesn't mean it's a good thing.

I've seen the long term effects of living like this on family members and it's very concerning even though they would claim to be happy with it.

The OP needs to accept that there's only so much we can do as parents though.

I get that but it’s for her to manage.

He doesn’t need his mother getting involved and pushing him into living his life how she wants him to. Being in the forces means he gets little enough agency over his day to day life, I’m not surprised he may prefer to spend his down time on his own.

Some people just don’t want to go out and meet a partner. And that’s a legitimate choice.

I know it’s meant well but any feelings she has need to be worked out without trying to run his life.

We hear so much about "failure to launch" types - and they would be a worry to any parent. But that is not the case here.

Here is a braver man than average (the rest of us who just type for a living) with a busy active life that does not just consist of teams meetings from the spare bedroom.

Unless he has actually expressed any kind of dissatisfaction with his life, you can assume he is fine.

I'm sure most service personnel don't consign themselves to living like monks (or nuns).

Of course it is. OP should do nothing and accept his choices. Finding it hard is about her feelings, nothing else.

And unless he expresses unhappiness with his life then it’s about what she wants for him, not what he wants for himself.

Being in the armed forces isn’t exactly conducive to relationships anyway.

By the time someone is in their 20s, they are perfectly capable of deciding what they want in life.

Because OP would also love to see him meet a partner and have a social life and she worries about his future . So it's hard for her to do nothing.

Totally with you. I have the same problem with my ds also late 20’s. Mine has a girlfriend but no social life. It upsets me as I know he’d love to play paddle for example.. or just have a friend to go to the cinema with. I look at the richness of my DD’s life with her huge social life.. sure everyone’s different but I know my son and know he’s not happy. You are still allowed to worry about your adult children even if there’s nothing you can do!

You say in your opening sentence that you can't help worrying about your son. That's natural. I think parents always worry about their children, no matter how old they are.

But in your title, you say you can't help being over-invested. That's a different thing. You CAN help that. You NEED to help that. You say he's showing no interest in a relationship - so listen to him instead of treating that as a problem. Not everyone wants to go through life two by two like the animals on the ark.

You don't need to worry about a 29 year-old's NYE plans. Apart from anything else, it's five months away! Sometimes I'm still planning what to do when it's gone Boxing Day!

Let him be an adult. That doesn't mean you can't worry; it just means you don't need to take control.

Also being worried about a grown man who is in the army and saving to buy a house does seem a little excessive. He’s not going out getting shitfaced every night , he’s clearly got a plan for his future. Whether or not that involves a relationship is entirely up to him.

You are way too invested. The last thing he needs, especially given his job , is to have you in his ear trying to control his down time. I realise you mean it nicely but let him do what works for him.

Why is it hard?

OP’s son has a career in the armed forces, job security, close colleagues with whom he socialises, and a strong set of priorities. He is doing what he wants to do with his life. What’s ’hard’ about ‘standing by and watching’ an adult man living the normal adult life he has specifically chosen for himself?

He’s a grown man and he’s in the armed forces. He’s capable of deciding for himself what he wants to do in his spare time and with whom.

If he’s in the armed forces, the nature of his job presumably he will have spent a lot his adult life of time living, working and probably socialising with his colleagues for extended periods. Has it not occurred to you that maybe he needs to decompress and have some time alone?

He has a different personality to yours and his own priorities. He knows what he wants and is perfectly capable of getting it, because he is a grown man. You need to stop trying to mould him into something else. Back off.

You sound smothering. He's an adult - let him be.