I can't help being overly invested in adult ds life

I see this a lot on MN. It's a cop-out. "I can't help the way I feel 😔" - it's basically a permission slip to not even try to help it. And the OP does need to try.

What has the son actually done wrong here? OP herself says he shows no interest in seeking out a partner. If he's not interested, why is it an issue that he doesn't have one? It's not like he's forever wailing "I'm soooo lonely, why can't I meet someone?" but refusing to do anything about it. He's fine as he is.

OP's son isn't drinking heavily, taking drugs, gambling, frittering away his money and then moaning he's broke... he's not doing a thing wrong. He just isn't doing what the OP thinks he should be doing.

Every mother worries. That's normal. What is not ok is fussing and smothering. He has told you he wants to be alone NYE and you are not respecting that. If you change your plans to stay home with him that will only irritate him and make him feel guilty for ruining your plans and upset whoever you were supposed to be out with. Everyone loses.

I don't have a partner, I've never had a partner. I'm perfectly fine.

Leave him be. There is nothing in your post to suggest he is lonely or pining for friendships. If he asks for your advice then you can give it.

I think that a level of involvement with close family and concern for their wellbeing is very normal. I don't think it inherently makes anyone a nightmare.

I'm sorry but having seen the long term effects of very insular lifestyles on close family then yes I would be concerned for my own DC going that way. I think happy is maybe too simple a word, like I'd be perfectly happy to just eat junk food, doesn't mean its a good way to live and I may well be storing up consequences.

Oh stop it! You're still trying to twist everything to suit your way of thinking. He's not staying in because it's too expensive to go out; he's staying in because that's what he wants to do.
"It doesn't have to be a solo hobby". I'd bet my bottom dollar that's what he enjoys about it.
If he's in the forces, he will be surrounded by people 24/7. Everyone needs a break from that now and again. It doesn't make him antisocial nor a social outcast. Civilians often cannot understand what life in the Forces is actually like. You clearly can't.
He's told you he's fine with you going away for New Year, so go away and give him some peace.

Caring is fine, but going on about friendships and relationships isn’t good. You just make someone feel like they are an outlier.

As a parent, why wouldn’t you be happy that your child has grown into someone who is brave, financially responsible, intelligent and presumably happy?

Anyone that involved with their adult child’s life is likely to be a nightmare if they have a partner anyway.

I am sociable and think my best assets in life are my friends. I have ten properly close friends who would be there for talks, walks or burying a body. My middle child has friends but keeps them at a distance. He lets them wither when not convenient and can think of nothing nicer than time alone. I have finally accepted this is who he is and while he currently has a girlfriend (equally taciturn) he will never be a gregarious sociable person. Your son is thriving in his own way. Keep an eye on him but I wouldn’t worry.

Only in that sometimes I feel sad about choices made by people I love whilst recognising that they need to make their own choices. Is this not fairly normal for parents of adult children?

Your son sounds alright actually. Good job, saving for a house, seeing some of the world, good to his parents, sporty and with a goal in training. He sounds healthy, happy, settled.

He will have friends from his job, probably good strong friendships through what they see and do together. I would imagine too that it's difficult to meet a partner for now, going from one place to another but it will probably come. Even if it doesn't, that's fine too! Not everyone wants to.

Go on your holidays. Sometimes it's really nice to have one of the holidays in peace. The best Xmas day I had as an adult was alone. If your son is happy in his own company then he will be absolutely fine.

Hi @Aliceinwonderland75 i too agree totally with @Sensiblesal .

It is natural to worry. However, he sounds like he's doing so well in his career and I imagine it's quite intense and he's with people a lot so some space and seeing you is welcome.
He is fit, healthy, goal focused, financially wise - congratulations!

Other stuff will come when he's ready. I would also go away as planned - whether he loves the peace and quiet or it spurs him on to meet up with old friends, definitely don't change your plans! X

I had some of those same thoughts about my 19 year old home from college from the summer but even I managed to keep them to myself and I certainly wouldn't let it affect my comings and goings. One thing I think people of our generatom stuggle with is how different younger people's social world is. The way we did it - if we were lucky - was so much freer and peopled and in person but society changes and they will just have to figure out their individual and collective relationships for themselves, like every group of people who have ever lived. We don't have all the answers.

No one has suggested that the OP should be making her son feel bad about anything. It's very normal for people to care about things beyond themselves.

So she is upset that her son is happy living his own life because it’s not what she wants for him.

Yes it’s fine to have feelings but not fine to make others feel bad for living their life. She risks losing him completely.

Whatever happened to parents just wanting their kids to be happy? A lot of people prefer the single life. And if you live with a load of other blokes and spend your life being ordered about, it’s even more natural that you wouldn’t want to party with people you have nothing in common with when you come back home.

Are you by any chance in the same situation as the OP?

Yes but she's upset. People feel what they feel.

But the fact that she wants those things for him is neither here nor there. He apparently isn’t bothered about those things and is happy, saving for a house with a good career. It shouldn’t be ‘hard’ to watch a successful adult having the life THEY want.

He wouldn’t be in the army and thriving if he wasn’t capable of communication & social skills. From experience, army folls tend to build very strong relationships with each other, you have to cos you have to trust everyone with your life.

Everyone moves at their own pace, right now he has his career, his sport & saving for a house, sounds likes he is very busy & has many reasons for not wanting to go out whilst home.

yes there will be a bit of having lost touch with his ‘home friends’ but thats for him to work out if he wants to.
take a step beck & rejoice in what a well brought up young man you have over the perceived failings. Also go on that holiday, being at a loose end & not having you there might just encourage him to seek out company. Or let him bring home an army friend for the new year, there will be lots of lads that don’t/won’t want to go home for the holidays

Not all of us want a ton of friends and fully enjoy our own company lol

Of course it's his choice , OP knows that, she said so in her OP. But she feels what she feels about it and I sympathise that she may find it hard to think of him alone at NYE even though that's what he prefers this year.

It's got nothing to do with OP. She's decided what she thinks his life should be like, he may have completely different ideas.

I would have had a blue fit if my mother had felt the need to "worry" about my future on a forum to a bunch of random strangers. He's an adult, he's capable of making his own way in life. There is nothing more irritating than parents thinking they know what is best for an adult child. It's not hard for OP to do nothing, they just need to accept that it is HIS life.

He’s in the armed forces. He’s very likely got many friendships and a full social life that’s entirely separate to you. What you see isn’t the whole of how he conducts his life, it’s just how he conducts his life when around his parents.

He probably just wants to relax when he’s home, and isn’t bothered about old friendships with people who he no longer feels he has much in common with.

I have DC of similar age. You never stop worrying about them even at that age!

however you also don’t have to tell them your every thought re their lives either… keep most of it to yourself or their DF.

for my part I don’t think they are missing out by being single or not party animals at that age. Mine don’t drink so the club scene is not their thing.

DD says when she comes home she is “peopled out” and just doesn’t want to see people or go out apart from the odd shopping or luncheon excursion with me. She is currently on a plane to her next meeting so I can understand her need to decompress.

I don’t want to see my DC alone but nor unhappy either. They are all financially responsible so no worries there, again I would hate to see that upset by being with the wrong person.

so no hate from me heading your way. Just keep your thoughts to yourself and know it’s a Mum thing to worry and to want them to be ok.

Army life is very different to civvie street. He might find that as time goes on he has less in common with old friends. Rest assured, his unit will be like a second family. He sounds like a lovely sensible young man.

He is a grown man and you need to let him live his life as he wishes and respect that fact that he can choose how to spend his time and with whom.

I would also bet that your son has had friendships and relationships but because you don't seem to have any boundaries he has decided not to share that with you to protect his privacy.

Honestly OP you sound suffocating and all you are going to do with this behaviour is push your son away.

For all you know he could be gay, asexual or simply have zero interest in relationships for now and that is perfectly fine. He also does not have to socialise if he prefers his own company and peace and quiet.

Everyone has a different personality and interests. Your son is not you...