I can't help being overly invested in adult ds life

But he isn’t responsible for her feelings - the least she can do it keep her thoughts to herself. She chooses to worry about him not living her life the way she wants him to.

He is doing a dangerous job and wants to decompress when he isn’t there. It’s nothing to do with her if he’s happy.

Overbearing mothers become overbearing mothers in law so even if he forced himself to make himself unhappy by doing what she wants, it’s unlikely to end well.

There's a whole spectrum between being overbearing (and it seems that OP has accepted this with good grace) and switching off your emotions and stopping worrying about a person that you care about.

Unsolicited advice from mummy on how he is living his life wrong isn’t going to be welcome.

OP said:

I've told him time and again that friendships have to be nutured but he seems to have let old close friendships at home die off.
**
lHe, on the other hand, will be left here alone on new year's eve, so I don't have the heart to go. He's not interested in coming with us.
**
How can I make him see he needs to try and make new friendships so he doesn't end up lonely when he's older and we're gone?
**
I've told him this a few times but he makes no effort. Loneliness is a big thing in today's world and I worry about him too much.

OP admits that she’s being pushy. She is lucky he hasn’t told her straight to stop interfering. However it may only be a matter of time

I've had all kinds of advice given to me as an adult, it's ranged from good to terrible to down right bizarre but as long as it's not been pushed too much it's fine.

He sounds absolutely fine to me. Let him live his life his way.

I beg of you to butt out. What will hurt him far, far more than being a bit solitary is the feeling that he’s a disappointment to his parents - and I guarantee you he will start to feel this if you keep urging him to change his habits. He sounds absolutely fine, sensible and hardworking and planning for his future. Just enjoy him, and leave him alone.

Um what part of she’s told him time and time again to nurture friendships meaning his old friends at her home, means she’s not intervening to you?

His close friends will be in his unit. You’re way off beam here, he doesn’t need to maintain friendships at your home and nurture them.

he isn’t a child, you need to stop treating him as a little boy at school and respect his choices.

I suspect you’re not familiar with the armed forces and how close they get, and have always been a bit over involved.

try fo show some respect for him.

And she feels she has the right to advise him even though he hasn’t asked 🤷‍♀️

It’s not necessary to say that to ADULTS. It’s overbearing to do so unless someone is asking for advice, which he clearly isn’t.

Why does she have the right to interfere? Would it be better for him to follow her advice and be unhappy?

And if he did, what would stop her involving herself in any future relationship? Nightmare MILs don’t spring up out of nowhere.

I don't think he is either but I was arguing more generally.

I also think that even with friends going out at NYE is very overrated.

But he’s not living a very insular lifestyle. At all.

He’s come home to relax and spend time with his family before he gets back to his normal, demanding, life in the armed forces. He’s also saving for a house. If he’s not interested in having a relationship (that OP knows about, anyway.) or catching up with old friends he’s got little interest in now, so what?

OP says herself that she's over invested. Nobody including OP suggests that she should intervene. But she feels what she feels.

My close relative is in the armed forces. When they come home over Christmas, they’re usually quite insistent that they don’t want to spend time with people outside the family. They also shared that they find it harder to connect with old school friends etc because their lives are so different, with different cultures and priorities. They have plenty of friends through the military and take part in solo sports but in groups (if the latter makes sense). They’re a totally normal and functional person. Give your son space.

Telling someone that friendships need to be nurtured is a good piece of advice to pass on. I think most good parents will try to pass on what they consider to be good advice to their kids. Again it's normal behaviour though it could potentially be overbearing depending on how it's done.

She is involved though. Telling him about how friendships need to be nurtured etc like he’s 5.

Being worried (esp when rationally there is no need to be) is no excuse for treating someone like that.

His lifestyle isn’t concerning at all (let alone ‘especially concerning’). I would be furious if my parents tried to invalidate my legitimate life choices.

Is this about having grandchildren, I wonder. If OP wants her DS to distance himself from her, she’s going the right away about it.

Feeling concerned for someone doesn't mean getting involved. You can feel concerns and give no outward signs.

For what it's worth I don't think that this young man's lifestyle is especially concerning but a lot of mums are always going worry about their kids.

Exactly this! He’s living a life in a way that upsets nobody except his mother.

A mother involving herself in the social workings of her offspring when they are a responsible adult is clearly nothing to do with what their adult child wants and everything to do with what the mother wants. That’s not care, that’s control.

In my 20s I loved visiting my parents precisely so that I could just stay at home and chill for a weekend, without any pressure to go out and socialise.

It’s normal human behaviour to respect the choices of grown adults, particularly if those choices are not harmful to anyone and make the person happy.

Perhaps this grown man should feel pressured to enter into a relationship/party with people or whatever the OP wants? Obviously he may be unhappy doing so but at least the OP will be satisfied that he’s living the life she wants for him.

If this was about just wanting him to be happy then he is. Have people missed that he’s in the army and therefore surrounded by people 24/7 while he’s away? Not to mention that he’s told what to do most of the time? Who wouldn’t want a break from that?

It’s actually quite disturbing how many mothers think they know better than their adult offspring about what’s best for them. He’s not unemployed, gambling, doing drugs, siring children all over the place. He’s doing a very responsible job and saving for a house.

i have seen too many people fall into the trap of relationship/children due to family pressure.

Op you're forgetting one thing. Men have friends in a completely different way to women. We may not see or talk to each other for weeks but we are still great mates. You might not see a kiddie (west country for man) for years but you sit down and it's like it was back then. You don't need, as a man, to know everything about your friends lives, what they are having for tea, wearing out tonight etc

He's in the forces, he's surrounded by people constantly. If he shy like you say he, like me, might value some reset alone time.

And remember he's got a phone and more than likely is messaging his mates who will be all over the country/world.

Plus men make friends very easily. Because my dad died just after I got married, pre mobile phones, I couldn't stand going back to where I grew up so lost my friendship group...we were all getting married and money was tight anyway. But I have formed a number of new friendships over the last 30 years in the town I live in. Some are actually quite new because I've switched which pub I go to, but we've reached the stage where we are comfortable enough to take the piss... I'm 57 so your son has time

Again caring about people that you are close to is normal human behaviour.

I think you have to accept that you have different expectations that he does. You seem fixed on the fact that he should want and make friends and or want company all the time. It is time to accept that your view and his are different at the end of the day it is his choice. Go on your New Year trip, why would you not?

And if you wanted to eat junk food all the time, you have the right to do that.

I don’t know the situation of your family member but if they are happy then it’s nothing to do with anyone else. If they aren’t, then it’s up to them to sort it.

I said the OP risks being a nightmare because if he chose to have a relationship, she is clearly going to involve herself.

He’s not exactly insular - he’s in the army, not living his life as a hermit!

Do you think being coupled up and/or out every weekend is the only way to be happy?

Could you please explain how being single and wanting space when you aren’t actually with your army colleagues is storing up issues? I would genuinely like to know.

If someone is happy with their life, then it’s nothing to do with anyone else.

There seems to be this conviction that people can’t be happy outside of someone else’s idea of how they should be. I believe it’s a reflection of how they feel about their own choices.

I made the choice to be single over 25 years ago and I don’t go out to socialise more than a couple of times a year. Why is that not a legitimate choice? I know plenty of people who are in crap relationships because they don’t have the imagination or confidence to be self reliant.