I can't help being overly invested in adult ds life

I'll agree to disagree.

But she isn’t - by lecturing him about how to keep friendships alive etc, that’s inappropriate.

Where is the ‘difficult’ situation?

Can you not understand that being someone who values space (esp when they are with people 24/7 in their working life) is not a difficult situation? He’s doing what works for him.

He may or may not change that at some point but so long as he’s satisfied with his life, what does it matter?

Although I would pity any potential partner, given his mother’s level of over investment.

I guess people process their interactions with others differently. I don't think it matters so much as long as you behave appropriately.

That is your issue though and most people who think like that do so because they are either insecure in their own life choices or can’t fathom that others need different things in life.

I have seen it first hand enough times - that conviction that someone is clearly unhappy because their life is following a different path.

If someone is genuinely unhappy in their situation then they are the only ones that can change it.

The OP can feel how she wants but ultimately her son is happy - why would she want to change that? For some people, having a partner and a busy social life is a path to unhappiness.

I imagine personal space and nobody telling him what to do are the things he wants when he’s home.

Not everyone feels lonely when they're alone. DS loves to be alone, he thinks he's probably asexual and has no interest in relationships or having kids.

He sounds like he's doing great OP although I do understand your concern.

Sure, but there's no 'difficult situation' here. There's an adult child doing what he wants, and a parent who can't let go of her vision of how his life should be.

It sounds like your son has a lot going for him and is doing what he wants to do. He probably gets all the social interaction he needs at work and enjoys spending time by himself. I would try not to project your own views onto him unless he specifically tells you he’s lonely and wants help.

I am still going to have meaningful relationships with people and have my own thoughts and feelings about any difficult situations they might be in.

Still going I see 🙄

Do I need someone's permission to internally think or feel something?

Okay, keep stamping your feet and crying "I'm ALLOWED my feels!!".

He's old enough to decide who he wants to remain friends with, when and who he wants to socialise with, and old enough to be left home alone. I haven't been InTouch with old close friends for years, people drift apart for lots of different reasons.

You're still allowed to think and feel what you do. I've got several people in my life that have complicated and difficult situations and I can't help but not be able to take what they say at face value some of the time. Doesn't mean that there's anything to be done about it.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is to accept their word on a situation, and acknowledge that it may be your own biases and insecurities seeing problems that don't exist for that person. Sometimes it's hard to let go of your own vision of what a good life looks like.

Because you can't always just take things at face value, especially when it's a person you know well.

But WHY can't you take it at face value? Why, when someone tells you they're okay, can't you listen?

Fair enough, there may be times when someone is trying to hide something (e.g. an abusive relationship). But the only "concerning signs" here is that the OP's son isn't trying to find a partner and, as someone who frequently spends long periods away from home, is a bit of a homebody when he IS there. Oh, and the fact that he doesn't have any plans for NYE... in July.

The OP asked for advice. She herself admits she is overly invested. Now we could all say "Awwh hun, it's natural to worry, u feel how u feel and u can't help that", but I'm not sure it will do her much good. I think it's much better to point out that her son a) has a career that offers stability, training and a good pension; b) is saving up for a very sensible purchase instead of frittering money away on flash cars, designer clothes etc.; c) has a healthy lifestyle with an interest in sport and d) most crucially, has shown zero sign of unhappiness.

He's telling her he's fine. She needs to believe him.

Success in what area?

If someone is happy with their life, then I would consider that success.

Also it appears that some don’t understand the difference between being lonely and being alone or solitary. I assume the DS is an only child, in which case he’s more likely to need to decompress when he’s not with his army colleagues.

I am pleased my parents didn’t feel the need to invalidate my life choices when I was that age. I might have changed my lifestyle to stop them wanging on, and that would have messed my life up and made me incredibly unhappy.

The people in my life may not be as numerous but they are good people and I don’t have to put up with crap just to feel ‘successful’

No of course not but some people may worry about loneliness
And though ‘a relationship’ isn’t a measure of success friendships and people in our lives that we have good relationships with are essential to well being and I think a measure of success

Having a relationship is not an indicator of success in life, fortunately!

My brother didn’t have a relationship til his late 20s or early 30s I can’t remember
but I don’t think he’s been single since! So don’t worry

I guess I feel differently. I wouldn't want to control anyone but there may be times when I would say something or offer advice. I'll probably get it wrong some of the time too.

It’s okay to care. Nobody is denying that. It’s not okay to make people feel like their choices are invalid. That’s control, not caring. There are no ‘concerning signs’. And if there were, what right does anyone have to interfere?

At some point, people have to learn that their child is a grown up and can make their own choices.

And why is it only single people whose choices are questioned? I wouldn’t wang on to anyone about how they shouldn’t be in a relationship or whatever even though it may be a bad idea.

For whatever reason, he’s chosen a career where he is away from home most of the time - the least OP can do is respect him and his decisions.

I do agree that the right thing to do is keep her feelings to herself. I disagree with PP saying that she shouldn't feel the feelings or even that it's possible to choose not to feel these feelings.

If I'm concerned about someone I love then I can't just take it at face value when they tell me that they are happy despite concerning signs and turn off my feelings like you would a light switch. I'll always be invested in the people I care about.

She needs to understand that he is old enough to live his own life. It’s ridiculous that people feel they can dictate the lives of others under the pretence of being worried.