AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

@thepariscrimefiles said upthread that SIL wants to make OP's children look white.

It's probably worse than that - she doesn't think of herself as racist because she adores the kids' [coffee, milk chocolate, insert other food item] skin tone. She just doesn't want them to look, you know, too ethnic.

I do know of someone who made their naturally curly haired bridesmaid straighten their hair for the wedding day. These people think the world revolves around them and their wedding. 🙄

You ought to see what she's posted on another thread today...

Avoid passive aggressive skulduggery. No doubt hilarious on MN but just ramps up unnecessary drama in RL.

Deal with it like a grown up - directly and calmly.

If your DSis is involved it should only be to hold your line if your DBro and SIL get on to her about it.

So, that latest update removes every last remote shadow of doubt. This is racism. I would be very much inclined to go nuclear.

Fecking hell, this is upsetting to read.

She needs to be made to squirm really.

As an aside, I wasn't aware of the categorisations of different curl patterns and have had a pleasant few minutes googling and looking at some beautiful hair. It's so awful that she's implying your children are not attractive enough. That, it seems to me, is definitely racism. the reaction to your sister seals it.

It would be unreasonable even if your kids were white, but this...

Could you imagine her racist little face if you brought the children to the wedding dressed in outfits that reflect their father's heritage!

Seriously though, this is awful. What a rotten cow!

Best for OP to attend the wedding so she’s not spun into being the unreasonable one and so that if SIL
melts down on her wedding day there will be witnesses. Op make sure your sister and mum are with you at all times when the kids are getting ready.

Simple message back ……

I do not straighten my children’s hair.

Wait to see if you’re uninvited. I suspect not.

Then he needs to tell his GF to stop being so fucking racist.

This must be the worst bit of bridezilla behaviour I've ever heard of.

But if she did that her husband to be would have realised she was a racist witch. Right now her shameful actions are being covered up, her husband may not even know anything about the conversation she’s having with his sister! Which is why OP needs to call her brother asap.

She’s an absolute monster. I think this is racism with a big pinch of jealousy too. She doesn’t want your children getting attention for their beautiful hair. I’m so sorry OP. And it must hurt about your Mum’s response too. Glad your sister has your back. What unfortunate timing that the bride and groom will lose so many important guests right before the ceremony! I hope word gets around about what she’s done. Just shocking.
Please tell us that you do something lovely with your beautiful children on that day. I hope they get asked by someone else to be FG & PB - I’m sure Mumsnet could arrange it!

The response message she sent you was extraordinarily aggressive, is she normally like this?

I would say, stop any 'sideways' or passive aggressive ways of dealing with this.

Talk plainly to your brother, explain about the hair damage (he might not know) and how it is actually racist to be demanding that you change a hair characteristic that is a direct result of their racial heritage and does his partner realise this? And that you do not want to escalate the drama but you are not willing to damage their hair or give them any kind of signal that their natural hair is unacceptable (beyond being nicely presented)

Does your brother know she sent you such a rude message?

And at some stage your Mum needs to cop on about this stuff. She has mixed race grandchildren, FFS.

Get your sister to say sounds great! Is there a clip for my niece too? (Your daughters name OP)

Make sure the SIL knows your sister is on to her. After she replies I’d call your brother direct and say you can’t straighten your children’s hair as it will damage it and niece is allowed her curls to be curly, what hair do do they actually want as you suggest xyz and straightening can’t happen.

I wouldn’t be super excited to welcome her to the family!!!

What an absolute cow ……

and I wouldn’t go to the wedding.

Id go fucking ballistic

Absofuckinglutely no way I’d be straightening my kids hair at all, and especially not when this is blatant racism.

Sorry, but I’d be walking my kids away from that cesspit of humanity and never looking back.

How unbelievably rude. Who dictates their guests appearance? Has she asked anyone to lose weight on this occasion too? I have curly hair which I do like to straighten but I'd be furious should someone demand it of me let alone my boys.

Absolutely perfect message.

No I wouldn’t be doing it. I hate having my straight hair curly, it looks bloody awful on me, so if someone demanded I did this it would be a firm no. If your SIL is trying to ‘whitewash’ (as others have put it) your children then that is disgraceful and I’d be pulling her up on it, and absolutely refuse to straighten my children’s hair. It’s not acceptable and she should be called out for it - you are your children’s advocate.

Has she shown her racism before.

So you've had it confirmed that your SIL-to-be is racist - please tell me you're going to be talking to your brother about this? Ugh, sorry you're having to deal with this!

Oh please please please tell us your dear sister dropped the mic and then said something along the lines of "great, my daughter is desperate to twin with her cousin so not my circus daughter and her are going to have the same hair style. I will pick up the clips for them both. It will be so cute to see the girls all dressed up with their matching curly hair. I would kill to have their hair, wouldn't you?". Alas future sister in law is inherently racist and her mask has just slipped. As with another poster, I hope 2nd wife is nicer Big hugs x

Why not, after the communication with sister, now just text the bride ...

Sister has confirmed with me exactly how her kids are styling their hair and that you approve.
My kids will be having their hair the same, with their natural curls.
Thanks for supplying the hair clips; we'll collect them from MIL. All very exciting!

Behave politely.
I hope your family stays close over the years. That will be best for your kids.

I'm astonished at the fucking cheek of the woman!

If she doesn't want curly-haired kids as bridesmaids etc, she shouldn't have asked them to be bridesmaids, ffs, or, at the very least, made it plain at the outset that they would have to have their hair straightened.

I'm vicariously angry on your children's behalf OP. And I very much hope that this request isn't connected in any way to do with your DCs being mixed race.