AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

@dramaisalifestyle , what's your brother's position on this matter?

I am so sorry that you and your DC have been the victims of this OP. Your future SIL's actions are some of the most malevolent racism that I have ever had the misfortune to read about. I think your DM's reaction is really disappointing too, I think she and your DB need to sort this out now.

Otherwise, I don't think any of you can go to the wedding as it wouldn't be fair on your DC to subject them to this. I suggest you hold onto all the message (including SIL's initial text exchange about hair straightening) just in case she denies it later and comes up with some false story about why none of you are there. If you choose, you could circulate these messages around your wider family & friends to illustrate the real reasons.

Ok so your SIL is just being racist then. I would be uncomfortable even attending tbh.

I’d tell your DM what she has done - as in the obviously different treatment of the other niece and your DC- and tell your DM to send your DB round to yours immediately for a serious conversation. I would have it out with your DB and make him sort it out. Either she apologises properly or you’re not going.

There is literally nothing that OP has said about her future SIL that would lead you to think that she is generally a decent person.

Does this sound reasonable or kind:

'She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.'

SIL has since responded to OP's sister to agree that OP's sister's daughter, who is not mixed race, can leave her very curly hair unstraightened to show off her curls and that her hair will look lovely. That's a very different response than the one she sent to OP saying that she won't tolerate OP's kids' hair not being straight for her wedding. This is blatant racism on SIL's part.

So you would compromise your own integrity and your saw a seed in tie kids head they need to fit in with racists do to placate another racist. Why should anyone change their hair texture just to appease racist people. Why should black kids grow up thinking they need to straighten hair to be accepted?
Your comment just shows how not standing up to racism is actually supporting it.

Have you and your sister decided what to do next?
Are you going to challenge her? What are you going to do now?

Terrible behaviour and attitude for sil, I would let her either dig a bigger hole or get herself out of one. Ask her what styles she wants them to have, ask for pics inspiration . See if it's a slight tidy trim up or some damaging experience for the children have it nicely screenshot for future clarity. Cause it sounds like your going to need it!

Very disappointing that your mother is also siding withnthe racism and microaggessions towards her own grandchildren to placate the future sil.

@dramaisalifestyle

I wouldn't respond to the Bridezilla at all. I'd message my brother; "'Mary' has demanded that I straighten my children's beautiful hair or the wedding will be 'ruined'. Obviously I will not be straightening their hair, it is beautiful and a part of their heritage. We are so sorry that we will have to miss your wedding". Let him deal with her. Or not, if he is a 'whipped' coward.

By standing up for your children, even if they are too young to understand it now, at some point they will understand this lesson in being proud of every inch of who they are, and also of who their father is.

What an asshole your SIL is

I referenced that in my quote! The request is madness!

I agree ever so much.

/I am white and have straight hair./

Thanks for your analysis of me @JTK50. Whilst I don't disagree with everything you say, in my opinion most hair, regards of race needs some level of grooming to keep it healthy, be that shampoo, conditioner, oils or just a comb! My hair would break if I didn't moisturise it! Obviously people can do as they please. As I said, I wouldn't straighten my children's hair in this instance and think the request is unreasonable.

Seriously 🤦🏻‍♀️ ffs

Ah so now you know. Your future SIL really is racist. That's really shitty for you and your family. I'm so sorry.

Do you know what you are going to do?

To me we're past the point of insisting that her kids will come with whatever hair they want etc. @OldrNWisr said it best with her message below she needs to call her out and pull out immediately. Infact I would go as far as add the easiest connotation to make it even clearer in the message.

"My children are not dolls for you to dress up as you see fit.

“She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.”

Then we won’t be attending. Have a wonderful day."

I’m black and I find this highly offensive and racist.

If I were you I’d be tempted to buy straight hair wigs in blonde for the kids to wear and you wear and Afro wig and see how she likes that.

If this is real then I wouldn’t be attending the wedding. Will you still go OP?

If she had just asked you to straighten your daughter's hair I might have thought she was just being a bridezilla and she wanted all girls/women in the bridal party to have the same hair style on the day and perhaps curly hair wasn't working with that. I've been to a couple of weddings where the bride and all bridesmaids had matching up dos.

However the fact she wants your son's straight as well shows this is actually racist and she doesn't want their natural hair on show.

And I've just seen your niece is allowed her hair curly despite being involved in the wedding just reinforces that further.

My son is white but has very curly hair and I'd be so upset if someone told me to straighten his hair as it's part of who he is so I can't imagine how you are feeling when it's not the curls that are the problem but the fact they are black hair curls

Apparently OP's niece who has curly hair - but is white - is allowed a normal hair do and not required to straighten her hair.

This is 100% racism.

Tell her you won’t be doing it, she is racist!

Of course she knows she's being fucking racist. As much as racists are thick as shit, they still know they're being racist. Why on earth should the OP give her a way out

Oh op now’s the time to message her my dd will do half up and down and ds will stay as he is I don’t like the idea of straitened hair too much damage and I hope you accept this because I’m not going to change my mind.

It is racist. She is racist and your mum isn’t much better wanting to keep the peace. This is how racists get away with it.
What does your brother think about it? Does he know she’s said this?

I am not surprised your husband is livid. No one should be made to feel “less than” in any way shape or form and that is exactly what your soon to be SIL is doing to you and your family.

I would be telling people my family wouldn’t be attending and I’d be telling them why.
Quite honestly if I were your brother, I’d be calling the wedding off. There is no excuse for her comments.

Like another poster said, let’s hope his second wife isn’t as awful.