AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

Please as a mixed race parent turn up with your child with full Afro

Presumably because she knows her brother a lot better than soon to be SIL
The brother wants all his neices and nephews involved in the wedding
Does he even know his fiancee has made this outrageous request?

Not meaning to argue here, but why do people keep saying the OP should speak to her brother & not direct to her SIL?

Shouldn't she speak to both of them together?

I'm really trying to hope that future SIL is very clumsy with words and not meaning to be racist but this response to your DSis is jaw dropping...happy to have a white childs curls but not mixed race childs curls. Fuck me that's outrageous. I'm really now hoping that you are having words with your DBro and I'm hoping that he is as equally horrified at her request and is putting her straight.

and you say your DM just wants to 'keep the peace'...well, clearly she's prepared to not keep the peace with you and your kids is she?!?!

I think you might be planning a different day out next week OP!

Sure, but op didn’t appear to give a firm, “I’m not doing that”—a firm push back may produce a different response.

The bride sounds like a bully who would benefit from a firm f-off, actually.

The most batshit crazy bridezilla I’ve ever heard of, and a fucking appalling racist to boot.

I would no longer be excited about welcoming her into the family, OP.

She’s effectively saying there’s something wrong the way your children naturally look; that their appearance simply isn’t acceptable. It’s just horrible. And the mentality that as the bride she gets to dictate this kind of shit is very, very unattractive.

It’s sad that your brother and mother aren’t standing with you on this.

So basically SIL is racist, that’s the crux. I’m horrified on your behalf.

But saying nothing more is letting her get away with being inherently racist.

Even the tone ‘I will not tolerate’ towards OP’s kids. Yet ‘I have a lovely hair clip’ for the sister’s child. I would be livid. If you say nothing you risk her directing her anger towards the poor kids at the wedding.

I'd say nothing more. It's clear what her reasoning is. Just dress your children as neatly and as lovely as you can. What's she going to do? Throw them out of the wedding party on arrival? Just play innocent and if questioned why you didn't comply, smile sweetly and say you understood she wanted them to look neat. And isn't she beautiful and everything....

But do you or your kids have Afro hair?

Personally I would be happy to style my Afro kids hair all different ways especially for occasions. Straightening it wouldn't be a concern. Lots of black people choose to straighten Afro hair some of the time and wear it curly others. I would be happy for my kids to have a range of styles and wouldn't feel they could only have 'traditional' black styles because they are mixed race. Hair damage wouldn't be a big deal to me because hair grows and I've straightened my curly hair for 20 years now and hate it curly on me.

Completely agree it's a different ask to that of asking a white child to do the same - and in this case the SIL has not done that which comes across very badly.

It's for the OP to decide if it's a big deal to her. She asked for opinions and views. People should be allowed to say a range of views back without being told they are racist just because they personally wouldn't mind or want to upset the bride/cause a family rift over it.

Brides come up with all sorts of random stuff in the lead up to their wedding. If you've been on here for a while you'll have read hundreds and hundreds of similar threads - unhappy with their MIL dress colour, unhappy with the bridesmaid gaining weight/pregnant, asking the entire wedding to wear a colour theme... the list goes on. Brides get a vision in their heads and ask for people to do all kinds of things in the lead up. Hence the bridezilla term and the old mumsnet 'it's an invite not a summons' term.

I would try and acknowledge that brides become very stressed in the lead up. When you are spending £20-£30k on one day and have been saving for years, it can become a bit mad about the details. You also end up having to make hundreds of decisions.

I was a hugely chilled bride and still asked for my nephew to grow his hair for the wedding. It would have annoyed me in the photos if he looked like an escaped convict! If he or mum hasn't wanted to then that's fine, I would have moved on. I also had my niece come and get ready with the bridesmaids and have her hair curled (age 9). I wanted her to look even more beautiful than she already is and thought it would be fun.

If the kids didn't want it straightened or I didn't feel comfortable straightening it, due to feeling it came from a place of ignorance and unconscious racism, then I would say something. The inconsistency between nieces would annoy me and straightening the boys hair seems even more odd.

In the OPs case she is clearly bothered and so in her position, I would explain why I felt it was an inappropriate ask, educate the requester about why, reiterate that I won't be straightening but to again tell her to let me know other styles. I would also be having this conversation via my brother if needed.

Yes, I think it's good that this topic has been discussed on this thread, about people using words like 'wild' for afro hair, and 'neat' for straightened hair.

Many white people have never really thought properly about those connotations, and I include myself* in that, as a person who grew up in a small town where I didn't know any non-white people. (my old self, that is - as I have educated myself over recent years, and I admit I am still learning)

Thank you to those who on this thread who have shared their own experiences of this type of prejudice... and I'm sorry that you even have to explain it, but it does all help in that I think some people will have learned from this thread.

Madness!
I’m all for keeping the peace, but bloody hell …
YANBU.

Is she a reader? Buy her a copy of How To Be An Anti-Racist by Ibram X Kendi. He’s an American author so the history and his experience is more America-focused but I am still finding it a really enlightening and helpful read. I’d recommend anyone reads it to be honest.

Sorry again meant to say give the bride the option of either withdrawing her request for straight hair or withdrawing your invitation (which will make her look like a bitch as the story is likely to come out). I believe I’d say no for straightening hair as it could keep coming up at special family occasions. Silence is a strong tool much better than bitter words. So say your price and then be quiet and wait.

I'd say sure I'll straighten their hair, would you like me to bleach their skin while I'm at it😵‍💫🤯? (Obviously being sarcastic here!)

Please don't miss your brothers wedding. Don't straighten the childrens hair either. But do attend the wedding, your brother is getting married it's his wedding too. He is their uncle too. The bride won't be affected in anyway! She should be too busy marrying the love of her life?!

It's beside the point anyway. I would not pander to this racist request. My daughter (now adult) is mixed and did eventually get her hair straightened but it was her choice not somebody's mad demand.

Sorry didn’t get to finish my post. It does sound like this has upset you, so you could send a message to the bride saying you do not intend to straighten the children's hair as it is part of them (or their identity) and leave at that, see what the response is before you plan a day out with your children, if she responds she has withdrawn then it’s on her and frankly it will make her look bad. Sometimes being silent says so much more so try not to retaliate or explain. Brides can behave badly but let it settle.

Hopefully when op and CC (curly children )then up sil to be will flounce off into the sunset and save her db a lot of trouble .

That text to your sister from stb sister in law shows what a racist cow she is.

I would tell your brother so at least he is aware what he is marrying. Hell would freeze over before I changed my daughters hair.

As I said upthread I dont think much of your Mum either. She should be disgusted at her future dil and telling her that her grandaughter has lovely hair. There can be no excuses for brideszillas behaviour.

Would your sister text SIl and say.

”great. Is there a hair chip for X too? They are going to look so cute with matching hair chips and luscious curls. I can collect them both when I’m next at mums as I’m seeing her in a few days”.

Trap SIL into having to admit to your sister she is treating them differently and explain herself.

understand your dilemma, we straightened our granddaughter pretty blond curls for a party once and now she wants that way all the time! Lots of ways to go about this and much advice too. It depends how much it upsets you to straighten their natural hair

Sorry OP, I think your mum's reaction is just as bad! These are her grandchildren ffs. I don't see any way back from this tbh.

Your SIL may not realise that her preference is based on racist ideas and she needs to fucking wind her neck in. YANBU.

This is so discusting.