AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

This is how racism carries on through generations- by family members never calling it out. You need to pull her up on it. So does your sister, your Mum and her brother. All of you have very clear evidence now of blatant racism.

Yet she is sending messages saying she won’t ’tolerate’ your kid’s curls. But she has a pretty clip for the blonde curls. I would be going nuclear on this.

Hi SIL and DB

Please can you explain to me and DH why it’s acceptable for DN's naturally curly hair to be on show at your wedding, but you "won’t tolerate" DD's naturally curly hair and would prefer DS's to be straightened too?

I would hate to think that racism could be the cause, so I’m sure there must be another reason. I look forward to hearing what it is.

Okay! Slight update: I asked my sister to text our SIL. My sister said "Hey SIL, I'm just sorting out last minutes things for the wedding next week. The boys are getting a haircut soon, (nephews name) wanted a buzz cut but we said no 😂. For (nieces name), we are thinking about a half up half down hairstyle, to make sure everybody can see her lovely curls. Let me know what you think!"

SIL replied "That sounds great! I have a hair clip (Nieces name) can put in her hair to match the dress. Your mum has the hair clips at her house. See you soon"

So yeah. That was the conversation. My niece has blonde curly hair. 2C hair I think. Maybe 2B.

Such a long post to say nothing. As you said, it's a choice, but op and hey kids dont want to make that choice, so the rest of what you say is irrelevant. Some black people chose to straighten hair and some are forced to or feel obliged to placate racists. Some accept that. You can straighten the heel out if your kids' hair and pretend to yourself you give them "styling options", but it's also ok for people to not do so, especially under the circumstances. Stand up to racism instead if standing up for racism.
Bride being stressed does btw not excuse microaggression and racism, end of story. Not sure how you know how much they spent and what does it have to do with her racism, is racism acceptable if your parents fork out 20k on your wedding?

Lol this thread made me laugh. There is so much misinformation about Black peoples hair and what we can/can’t do. Afro hair can be straightened with GHDs (takes me no more than half hour/45 mins) if I fancy it. Black people have a variety of options with our many texture differences of hair hence why there are many hair styles in the Black community. Yes, harsher styles like over straightening (frequently) can damage our hair. Our hair is also not the same in texture just like our skin colour (so many variations. I think there are 52 shades within Black skin for example ). A lot of people in this thread have meant good but some of the replies have had me chuckling like crazy. It’s so odd reading perceptions and misinformation about our hair , lol. Our hair also typically grows outward rather than down however, when stretched/straightened, hair can reach all the way down to shoulders/waist/bum etc. there is a world of variety in Black/Afro hair.

Saying all of this, I don’t think OP, sounds mad enough. These are your children and they will rely on you to speak up for them for many years to come. It is a racist request even if not intended. I find some white mothers of children with Black heritage also may not get the nuisances of what it is like raising a beautiful Black child in the west is like. You cannot let anything slide because your children will continue experiencing disrespect over and over again. Do something immediately when your children are faced with that disrespect and stop trying to be polite. You have to be their biggest advocate and that also means arming yourself with book knowledge on this race stuff. You won’t believe how many people can become fixated on your children simply for the colour of their skin. It’s a literal sickness.

Are they in the wedding? If your daughter is a bridesmaid and it needs straightening for the hairstyle then I'd understand but why your son too?

I can't imagine it'll look very good straightened, I also can't imagine it'll make them look "whiter".

Where's the bride from? What's her heritage? The only people Ive met who have a problem with natural black hair are black Americans. They all seem to think its messy and relax their kids hair from toddlerhood.

Personally I would be happy to style my Afro kids hair all different ways especially for occasions. Straightening it wouldn't be a concern. Lots of black people choose to straighten Afro hair some of the time and wear it curly others. I would be happy for my kids to have a range of styles and wouldn't feel they could only have 'traditional' black styles because they are mixed race. Hair damage wouldn't be a big deal to me because hair grows and I've straightened my curly hair for 20 years now and hate it curly on me.

Completely agree it's a different ask to that of asking a white child to do the same - and in this case the SIL has not done that which comes across very badly.

It's for the OP to decide if it's a big deal to her. She asked for opinions and views. People should be allowed to say a range of views back without being told they are racist just because they personally wouldn't mind or want to upset the bride/cause a family rift over it.

Brides come up with all sorts of random stuff in the lead up to their wedding. If you've been on here for a while you'll have read hundreds and hundreds of similar threads - unhappy with their MIL dress colour, unhappy with the bridesmaid gaining weight/pregnant, asking the entire wedding to wear a colour theme... the list goes on. Brides get a vision in their heads and ask for people to do all kinds of things in the lead up. Hence the bridezilla term and the old mumsnet 'it's an invite not a summons' term.

I would try and acknowledge that brides become very stressed in the lead up. When you are spending £20-£30k on one day and have been saving for years, it can become a bit mad about the details. You also end up having to make hundreds of decisions.

I was a hugely chilled bride and still asked for my nephew to grow his hair for the wedding. It would have annoyed me in the photos if he looked like an escaped convict! If he or mum hasn't wanted to then that's fine, I would have moved on. I also had my niece come and get ready with the bridesmaids and have her hair curled (age 9). I wanted her to look even more beautiful than she already is and thought it would be fun.

If the kids didn't want it straightened or I didn't feel comfortable straightening it, due to feeling it came from a place of ignorance and unconscious racism, then I would say something. The inconsistency between nieces would annoy me and straightening the boys hair seems even more odd.

In the OPs case she is clearly bothered and so in her position, I would explain why I felt it was an inappropriate ask, educate the requester about why, reiterate that I won't be straightening but to again tell her to let me know other styles. I would also be having this conversation via my brother if needed.

My niece has 2C curls.

Okay! Slight update: I asked my sister to text our SIL. My sister said "Hey SIL, I'm just sorting out last minutes things for the wedding next week. The boys are getting a haircut soon, (nephews name) wanted a buzz cut but we said no 😂. For (nieces name), we are thinking about a half up half down hairstyle, to make sure everybody can see her lovely curls. Let me know what you think!"

SIL replied "That sounds great! I have a hair clip (Nieces name) can put in her hair to match the dress. Your mum has the hair clips at her house. See you soon"

So yeah. That was the conversation. My niece has blonde curly hair. 2C hair I think. Maybe 2B.

The most batshit crazy bridezilla I’ve ever heard of, and a fucking appalling racist to boot.

I would no longer be excited about welcoming her into the family, OP.

She’s effectively saying there’s something wrong the way your children naturally look; that their appearance simply isn’t acceptable. It’s just horrible. And the mentality that as the bride she gets to dictate this kind of shit is very, very unattractive.

It’s sad that your brother and mother aren’t standing with you on this.

It is racist. She is racist and your mum isn’t much better wanting to keep the peace. This is how racists get away with it.
What does your brother think about it? Does he know she’s said this?

I am not surprised your husband is livid. No one should be made to feel “less than” in any way shape or form and that is exactly what your soon to be SIL is doing to you and your family.

I would be telling people my family wouldn’t be attending and I’d be telling them why.
Quite honestly if I were your brother, I’d be calling the wedding off. There is no excuse for her comments.

Like another poster said, let’s hope his second wife isn’t as awful.

I'd want to speak to my brother privately so he's not caught on the hop and so the fiancée doesn't have time to muddy the water. (Assuming he doesn't share her prejudice).

I wouldn't be picking a fight with his bride without giving him the heads up.

Not meaning to argue here, but why do people keep saying the OP should speak to her brother & not direct to her SIL?

Shouldn't she speak to both of them together?