AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

If she’s normally quite normal, perhaps the wedding stress has tipped her over the edge! I can’t see a sane bride dictating hair type of guests unless they are bridesmaids going for the same ‘do’.

Perhaps you could suggest get your own hair curled to match? A set of matching extravagant wigs for you all? Hats? Something to make her/your brother realise how mad, ridiculous and controlling she is being! If she sticks to her guns, I think I’d decline attending.

Is your children's father invited, and is he required to straighten his hair also?

Be direct :

Ask her if she is discriminating against your children because they have that hair and if she is is she a racist and if she is your children won’t attend her wedding.

Watch her fall over herself to back down at the suggestion (hopefully)

Omfg what an entitled bitch! There’s no way I would be doing this! I wouldn’t be letting my kids go and I wouldn’t be going either

God - she sounds like a twat.

Reminds me of my ex SIL who demanded my 3 year olds hair was completely curled and tongued. I said no as when she was 3, she wouldn’t sit still for long enough and tolerate a hot tongue next to her. I wasn’t prepared for her to be burnt or distressed. Her hair was also kind of curly anyway, but not perfectly spiralled.

She got arsey so I text my brother telling him to sort his future wife out or else we wouldn’t even be attending. Problem solved!!

Holy fuck. I’d drop out now.

What a shocking comment to make. I like the response given above. What awful behaviour.

Who expects children ‘s hair to be straightened? Flipping heck no way and your family are unreasonable to demand it.

The problem is fucking racism. Its disgusting .

The marriage won't last long by the sounds of it. Get your sister to ask about her daughter's s curly hair. What time is the wedding is your sister going if you can't go due to your curly haired children. if your children dont match her racist idea of the perfect wedding photo I won't go. Yanbu. Nasty woman your soon to be ex sil.

Yeah but I bet your niece is white?
how awful of SIL. The message it’s sending to the kids - you’re not good enough how you look. I wouldn’t even go to the wedding.

I'm furious on your behalf, op.

I think I'd go back with, "or is it not rude to interfere with their bodily autonomy? They're mixed race, they have curly hair. It's beautiful and I won't send them the message they need to change it to fit in with white beauty standards. If this means you no longer want them as bridesmaids then I quite understand and would have to agree. Do let me know".

Gives her one chance to realise what a racist she's being and backtrack, if she digs her heels in or there's comeback you've warned her you'll withdraw from the wedding entirely.

No but that is in effect what your soon to be SIL is trying to do. It’s metaphorical. White people don’t have Afro hair so by removing the Afro hair you’re making them more ‘white’ and removing a clear indicator that they have black heritage. Like Micheal Jackson having surgery to change his Afro nose into a more Caucasian one.

This is the beginning of some bullshit, so I wouldn't entertain any of it, at all.
No getting my sister to ask... no getting my brother to ask... Straight no!

I simply do not negotiate with racists. She doesn't need to tolerate their hair in it's natural form; the children don't need to alter their appearance to be part of her show.

This is a simply DFOD! And if she pushes it, we can really thrash it out.

As for your mom - you'll have a healthy level of respect for her, so tell her if she cannot figure out why you won't comply; just sit this one out and let you handle your business.

She's a fucking racist.

I would keep the tone light but reply back to her and say sorry no won’t be straightening it. Their hair is their hair and it will look lovely on the day. I don’t even think you have time to practice a hairstyle on straight hair now. If this is a problem they can attend as guest. Assuming they are part of the weeding party?

Would she be asking an adult to do the same thing?

That isn't " keeping the peace"

That is not having a backbone and being a pathetic people pleaser

I’m sorry but what a bitch. When my niece and nephew were part of my wedding party I just wanted them to be comfy and enjoy themselves. I picked a dress with my sister for my niece and then let her sort her hair out.

No child needs their hair straightening to conform to some sort of bridezeilla vision.

The effect of the heat on their hair is surely not the most important issue. Your SIL-to-be is being incredibly racist to even imply that curly African hair is somehow unacceptable, or something to be ashamed of, even in children. No way would I straighten it.

I'm not normally one to want to cause family drama, but I would tell her that her request is coming across as racist, you won’t be straightening your children’s hair because you think they are perfect as they are, and if that means she doesn’t want them at her wedding you will all stay away. And I would copy your brother in, so he knows what’s going on, and tell your mother how upsetting and frankly disgraceful you find her attitude.

It's not logic, it's racism with an attempt to cover it up by saying things like black people are okay as long as they don't look too black. Those people have the prejudice in them but they're trying to package it and justify it outwardly. Just like people who say I'm fine with Jewish people but not the ones with the funny hats on. Or I'm fine with people being gay but can they not rub it in my face? Etc etc.

OP I would forward the sister's "won't tolerate" message to a group chat with her and your brother in, say you won't be straightening the hair so would they prefer your children didn't attend? And go from there.

I wouldn’t be concerned that straightening hair damages it, unless she wants them to get it chemically straightened. But this definitely seems to have racist undertones. Nobody should ever tell a mixed race person to style their hair in a typically white style, wedding or not.

Strange things happen with brides on their weddings when there is so much stress. Perhaps they have quite big, beautiful hair and she wants something a bit less 'wild' for the photos. It is a bit racist but in a slightly ignorant way. Are your nieces curls more 'controlled'/smaller hair overall?

I would have just done it personally to keep the peace. Straightening once isn't going to cause that much damage and that hair will get chopped off before long. However, I totally get why you wouldn't and she is coming across as a dick.

Tbf I asked for my nephew to not have a hair cut for a few weeks before my wedding as his mum always has it cut like a skin head and I don't like the look at all 🙈. I did say if possible though and wouldn't have thrown my toys out the pram...