AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

Why would it be okay straightening the DD’s curls as she is bridesmaid?

So your children can't have curly hair but your white niece can? I fear she is a bigot.
Anyway, what is future SIL going to do about it anyway? Refuse you entry to the church if turn up with curly hair?!

This age old racist bollocks. I’m mixed race but owing to the famously unpredictable nature of genes I don’t look black - I look European or South American and I have been privy to many racist comments that people assumed I’d let pass or be okay with because they don’t know I’m black. Comments about ‘unprofessional’ hair are just a few.

This is a racist request but not dealing with it now will colour the whole future relationship.

I can see you will though so I hope the arsehole SIL sorts her shit out.

The only reason here is racism. My wife’s nieces and nephews are mixed race, and her niece was a flower girl at our wedding. She looks fantastic in our wedding photos with her Afro hair, can’t even imagine what kind of cunt would’ve demanded it straightened.

Wow the bride is awful. Your DM wrong to support this.
Absolutely stunned that anyone could suggest such overt discrimination and prejuduce. Though as someone with curly hair my own father said "you don't look professional"...I'm aware the prejudice is deep rooted.

I get the feeling this was more for compromise to allow the sil to have more control. It is something I probably would have done.

Because its white washing children of black heritage. Its telling them their naturally curly hair isn't "smart" enough for photos and big events.

If you look at ghd history of white mimicery of black people, the hair is often a key feature. Google Robinson Jam Golly...look at the hair.

Now im white and usually don't have time for some of the racial stuff that people complain about but I have become increasingly aware that black people's hair is a hidden issue and things like this explain why a lot of black people are upset with how it's perceived.

I’d ask her if she’s always been such a massive racist!

There’s no way I would be going to that wedding, even if she relented on the hair straightening. I wouldn’t be exposing mixed heritage children to racism, I wouldn’t want racists within a mile of me or my family.

I think generally blocking and deleting people is massively overdone but I wouldn’t have anything to do with these people ever again.

Maybe they meant DB or thought it was husband’s sister getting married

Are they in the wedding? If your daughter is a bridesmaid and it needs straightening for the hairstyle then I'd understand but why your son too?

I can't imagine it'll look very good straightened, I also can't imagine it'll make them look "whiter".

Where's the bride from? What's her heritage? The only people Ive met who have a problem with natural black hair are black Americans. They all seem to think its messy and relax their kids hair from toddlerhood.

Actually :

”I consider this request to be flagrantly racist”

should suffice

No one wants to be thought of as a racist, she will surely apologise

OP, I'm fully on board with you not straightening their head. SIL can get to fuck on that one.

But I found it a bit odd you would ask her "if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work with curly hair". As their mum, I would have expected that you would have a list of styles that work on them, and would make those suggestions to her. What do you normally do for "smart" occasions?

Absolutely not. What kind of white washing is this.

Forward the messages to your brother, along with the information that his other niece hasn’t been asked the same thing. Let him work out the implications and hopefully he’ll call the wedding off.

I can hardly believe her ignorance! Can you post a screenshot of her text? Im
shockef she’d ask you to do this!

Her husband doesn't need to explain a racist's racism to them.

I'm not sure wedding-stress is an excuse for racism. Given the family dynamics, I'd give her one chance to realise "oh shit" but either way a line has been crossed.

Don't engage anymore. Just send your brother a screen shot of the messages and say 'Sorry to do this but sending this so you are aware of the complete context of these messages. DSis has not been asked to straighten DN's hair. Hopefully SIL is just being stressed about the wedding and is not thinking through the racist implications in her request. Just so you know I will not be straightening their hair because the chemicals required are very damaging for young skin. Love Sis x'

The racist bitch would be told to fuck off.

@dramaisalifestyle obviously you won’t be straightening your children’s hair. I’m sorry your brother is marrying a racist.

message your DB - forward your soon to be sil’s message and add ‘I’m so sorry we won’t be able to come to your wedding but I will not damage my children’s hair for a racist aesthetic. I wish you lots of luck and love.’

He will either understand and tell his bride to be to wind her neck in or he won’t care - either way you’ll know what to do next.

I’m mixed race myself, and I honestly can’t believe what I’ve just read. I also have two children whose hair texture is likely very similar to your daughters. my own hair is 4A.

If anyone ever asked my daughter to straighten her hair for a special occasion, I’d tell them exactly where to go. There are so many beautiful hairstyles your children can wear, and I think it’s absolutely outrageous that she wants your son’s hair straightened too.

If you were to give in to this (which I know you aren’t), it would send the message that Afro hair is somehow less acceptable, less glamorous, or less worthy than straight hair. That is simply not true.

Personally, I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my children around someone with those views. Quite frankly, your mum’s comments are just as concerning. She should be standing up for her grandchildren, not siding with her future daughter in laws. Saying you should do it ‘ to keep the peace’ is simply enabling unreasonable and discriminatory demands. Your children’s natural hair should never be treated as something that needs to be changed to make someone else comfortable.

Agree it's a good response but that's for later. For right now keep your tuppence in your purse and solidify your evidence. At this stage she can still brush it off as an innocent request, making you questionable.

Get your sister to make the enquiry, stay cool. That conversation is pivotal.

I am coldly offended on your behalf. If you give her enough rope, she will hang herself.