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AIBU?

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AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

787 replies

dramaisalifestyle · 26/07/2026 09:34

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

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Samscaff · 26/07/2026 10:25

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Presumably they do it because they themselves want to, not because someone else finds their hair unacceptable.

AwayWiththeGoblins · 26/07/2026 10:25

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There is nothing ‘generous about pandering to racism, whether conscious or unconscious, or in teaching your children that their natural hair is wrong for a family wedding.

Lins77 · 26/07/2026 10:25

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Adults, as their own choice, not because someone tells them to.

Jellycatspyjamas · 26/07/2026 10:25

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It is racist to demand someone straightens Afro hair, to suggest Afro hair is something to be tolerated, and to imply that Afro hair is less smart or tidy than other textures of hair.

Completely different for someone of their own volition to choose to straighten their hair.

MrSchubertWhiskers · 26/07/2026 10:24

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Your second sentence may be true but I'm afraid your first is very much not. The racist connotations are blinding.

OrianaK · 26/07/2026 10:24

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Jungfraujoch · 26/07/2026 10:24

Can’t believe I’m reading this! Absolutely outrageous! Do not straighten their hair! Either go as planned and smile sweetly or call her out on the blatant racism!

Dalesway · 26/07/2026 10:23

dramaisalifestyle · 26/07/2026 09:53

I mean, as a very biased mum, I think their hair is amazing

Could this be this problem, that they do have amazing hair and she's going full bridezilla and wanting to be centre of attention on the day/photos and stressing that two beautiful curly heads could steal 'her' attention?

Still being an unreasonable knobess though.

OrianaK · 26/07/2026 10:23

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category12 · 26/07/2026 10:23

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You obviously don't know what you're talking about.

wizzler · 26/07/2026 10:23

It’s such an outrageous request . OP you sound like a lovely mum. Yadnbu

Thepeopleversuswork · 26/07/2026 10:23

Heronwatcher · 26/07/2026 10:19

I wouldn’t be straightening the hair.

I’d hesitate to call racism, so would send the same message to all your family framing it in terms of children’s’ self esteem and confidence rather than anything else. I’d give your brother and sister in law a potential olive branch if possible. But would be making it clear that there will be no straightening. And that if this is a non-negotiable you will regretfully not be able to attend. Downplay it to your kids and book a fun day out instead.

Why oh why do so many people (women) turn into lunatics about weddings? All
this needless tat, aesthetics and theming is such a waste of time and money. Honestly I think society is going backwards at the moment. Plus bet your kids look absolutely gorgeous.

Why would you hesitate to call it racism?

She has asked the mixed heritage children to straighten their hair to disguise or “tone down” evidence that they have non white heritage.

The same request has not been made of a white child with curly hair. There is no other plausible explanation.

IveNameChangedObviously · 26/07/2026 10:23

Wow. Your SIL is a racist.

Send your brother articles about the discrimination black people face around their hair and tell him she needs to get a grip.

No chance would I be willing to straighten my child's hair to fit someone else's idea of acceptable/attractive.

The ONLY reason I would even consider putting it up if they don't normally is if their hair is long and likely to get into things or cause problems (my daughter had waist length hair that was a pain. I'd try and put it up as much as she'd let me) but if that was the case, you'd probably already planned it.

Samscaff · 26/07/2026 10:22

FruAashild · 26/07/2026 10:11

Don't engage anymore. Just send your brother a screen shot of the messages and say 'Sorry to do this but sending this so you are aware of the complete context of these messages. DSis has not been asked to straighten DN's hair. Hopefully SIL is just being stressed about the wedding and is not thinking through the racist implications in her request. Just so you know I will not be straightening their hair because the chemicals required are very damaging for young skin. Love Sis x'

But surely that’s not the main reason why OP shouldn’t straighten her children's hair…

rwalker · 26/07/2026 10:22

Even if she backs down how can you go and enjoy yourself

what’s your brother said on all this

Merryoldgoat · 26/07/2026 10:22

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But why is one ok and not the other?

OrianaK · 26/07/2026 10:22

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TisEye · 26/07/2026 10:22

It sounds like you were excited for the wedding and happy to welcome her to the family, so why is she suddenly being so weird? Why would you burn bridges & send dramatic messages about tolerance over kids hair??

I don't think it's unreasonable to say something like 'could all the bridesmaids wear their hair up' or 'can they all wear the same sparkly clip'; but it's weird & hugely OTT to try & dictate the texture of a kids hair!

One of my bridesmaids was in pink wellies. She wouldn't wear the pretty satin shoes 😂

Merryoldgoat · 26/07/2026 10:21

Growingaseed · 26/07/2026 10:19

sorry how am I racist?

The conflation of ‘smart’ with not having black hair is exactly typical of the bollocks black people been contending with for years.

Lins77 · 26/07/2026 10:21

This is really shocking, including your mum's reaction. As a granny myself I find that really quite upsetting.

I'd give SIL one chance to put this right. Point out the racist implications of her "request" and the inequality of her not making the same request of your sister. Give her a chance to back down gracefully (though I know it's a bit late for that) - if not, I'd probably be withdrawing from the wedding altogether. Though I appreciate that may be difficult and kids may be looking forward to it and carrying out their roles.

MrSchubertWhiskers · 26/07/2026 10:20

I missed the "won't tolerate"- the first sentence was bad enough! Simply go back and say you won't tolerate racism against your children and that you'll return the dresses.

OrianaK · 26/07/2026 10:20

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motherhoodisntfortheweak · 26/07/2026 10:20

What a racist bitch she is!!! My kids are mixed race too there’s no way on earth id torelate that crap from anyone

Jellycatspyjamas · 26/07/2026 10:20

TheyGrewUp · 26/07/2026 10:15

I'm not certain it's the behaviour of a racist, rather than of a self-centred pig ignorant twerp fixated on her photos and social media rather than on her marriage which is about the joining of two families.

Either way, she's not someone I'd be likely to mix with through choice.

If she doesn’t understand the implications of demanding that natural Afro hair be straightened to suit her aesthetic she’s been living under a rock. And she’s not asked the same of the white curly niece, which makes the racism even more apparent.

To say curly hair won’t be tolerated is a nonsense, what is she going to do when the children appear with their beautiful curly hair.

herewegoagainonwednesday · 26/07/2026 10:20

bellventrico · 26/07/2026 09:40

Don't really see the problem with this (odd to straighten the boy's hair tho)- it won't do any lasting damage

Straightening afro hair is very different from straightening mildly curly or wavy european hair. It is much more heat intense, on hair that is much more prone to damage. no way i would do that.
Not to mention the racist undertone - what’s next, a light coloured foundation?

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