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AIBU?

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AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

787 replies

dramaisalifestyle · 26/07/2026 09:34

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

OP posts:
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Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 26/07/2026 10:29

dramaisalifestyle · 26/07/2026 10:02

My brother wants all his nieces and nephews to be included. So my daughter is one of the flower girls and my son is carrying a sign down the aisle.

Does the sign say "The Bride is a huge racist?"

Nobodycares · 26/07/2026 10:28

Wow. No. Absofuckinglutely not.

bgi · 26/07/2026 10:28

i was asked once as a bridesmaid to dye my hair brown (I was blonde) as the other bridesmaids all had dark hair and the bride wanted to be the only blonde one! I refused of course! But I think that is shocking of your SIL to ask that of you!!

narnia2025 · 26/07/2026 10:28

Growingaseed · 26/07/2026 10:26

But that's not my opinion. I don't think that.

I made it very clear that the OPs SIL is coming across as being a bit racist.

We don't know all the facts but from the post even giving her the benefit of the doubt it comes across as a bit racist - likely unintentionally. Which is due to ignorance.

I love that now I'm called dim and racist which is so ironic and entertaining if you knew me...

Edited

But being unintentionally racist is racism and it needs calling out.

Soontobe60 · 26/07/2026 10:28

TheSmallAssassin · 26/07/2026 09:43

It's quite rude of a host to dictate how their guests should style their hair. Tell her you won't tolerate racism - why is your children's black hair unacceptable to her?

It’s actually extremely common for a bride to say how she wants the bridal party - ie bridesmaids / flower girls - to have their hair styled. It’s part of the ‘look’ of the wedding. If they want the hair to be put into an updo, it’s usually straightened first.

Gonedeaf · 26/07/2026 10:28

My son has very curly hair and there is no way on this planet I would be straightening it for somebody's wedding. How ridiculous. Tell her to jog on.

Sereine · 26/07/2026 10:28

I'd love to know how deciding to leave your children's hair alone constitutes "dictating" SIL's wedding, whereas ordering that they have a load of chemicals and heat applied to straighten their hair isn't apparently dictating what happens to their bodies.

weathervane1 · 26/07/2026 10:28

When this has all died down, irrespective of what your final decision is about attending the wedding, I would also think about your Mum and her desire to keep the peace. In my experience, this usually translates to the person saying it removing themselves from a difficult situation or conversation at the expense of others, who have to suffer the consequences. In other words, her peace comes at a huge cost to you and your children. I speak as someone whose dad wanted to keep the peace by not intervening when my Mum beat me black and blue. It's a rarely a good thing and your Mum needs to step up on your behalf, as does your brother. If he's choosing to pretend it's not an issue, I doubt their marriage will last long. Your SIL sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant person. She'll be asking you to bleach their skin next to appease her ideals of what she find acceptable, or more likely, what her own parents find acceptable. Therein lies racism, pure and simple.

Goodmorningeveryone26 · 26/07/2026 10:28

At the same time as replying in whatever way you see fit, I think you should send your SIL a link to an informative article about why straightening would damage your children’s hair

Onmytod24 · 26/07/2026 10:28

I just cannot believe anybody would make such a suggestion they are children that is just so awful

rainbowunicorn · 26/07/2026 10:28

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How to completely miss the point.

OrianaK · 26/07/2026 10:27

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godmum56 · 26/07/2026 10:27

wow your brother has chosen a humdinger! Does he always demonstrate such poor judgement?

Happyjoe · 26/07/2026 10:27

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The point being made to you has gone right over your head.

It's not ok to ask anyone to change the way they look in any way in order to conform to a racists's request. It doesn't matter if hair, skin, anything at all. There's no levels of offensiveness to this, ie hair ok and skin not, just stop offending completely.

MrSchubertWhiskers · 26/07/2026 10:27

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Oh are you speaking on behalf of racists? I'm sure they're grateful.

dramaisalifestyle · 26/07/2026 10:27

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If they do, it's a choice they make. My kids are too young to decide if they want to straighten their hair.

OP posts:
BurntBroccoli · 26/07/2026 10:27

Why would she even ask this? I would simply refuse.

Mamalasira · 26/07/2026 10:27

AwayWiththeGoblins · 26/07/2026 10:25

There is nothing ‘generous about pandering to racism, whether conscious or unconscious, or in teaching your children that their natural hair is wrong for a family wedding.

Yes. Plus it's not "just hair" , it's part of an identity.

OrianaK · 26/07/2026 10:27

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Heronwatcher · 26/07/2026 10:27

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Yes when they choose to do so- that’s very different. Plus they are a lot older, do it properly and don’t ruin the hair/ end up with it looking absolutely shit.

Can you honestly not see that the OP’s kids being asked this, but not their white cousin, is a problem? Do you think this request would be being asked if the OP’s kids had blonde ringlets?

sittingonabeach · 26/07/2026 10:26

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But it is the same thing, their hair and category of curl is part of their heritage as is their skin colour

So why do you think it is okay to ask to straighten their hair, especially when the white niece hasn’t been asked to?

OrianaK · 26/07/2026 10:26

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Growingaseed · 26/07/2026 10:26

Merryoldgoat · 26/07/2026 10:21

The conflation of ‘smart’ with not having black hair is exactly typical of the bollocks black people been contending with for years.

But that's not my opinion. I don't think that.

I made it very clear that the OPs SIL is coming across as being a bit racist.

We don't know all the facts but from the post even giving her the benefit of the doubt it comes across as a bit racist - likely unintentionally. Which is due to ignorance.

I love that now I'm called dim and racist which is so ironic and entertaining if you knew me...

GreenSedan · 26/07/2026 10:26

Shocking request on your future SIL's part.

mumuseli · 26/07/2026 10:25

Your new S-I-L sounds awful. Shocking and ignorant.

I wonder, in her ignorance does she think straightening their hair would be quite a quick and easy job (like it is for most white people using straighteners). I promise you, I'm not defending her AT ALL, as she is out-of-order to ask, and sounds like she has a horrible tone to boot. I do think that whatever your response is, it would be worth pointing out to her that straightening that type of hair involves a long damaging chemical process. As she is probably ignorant of that.

But actually that's by-the-by, as she's rude and she should also be told that it is racist to imply their natural hair is inadequate!