Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

787 replies

dramaisalifestyle · 26/07/2026 09:34

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
dramaisalifestyle · 26/07/2026 10:34

ThisISmycircusandtheseAREmymonkeys · 26/07/2026 10:30

Your username…

My usernames a joke because of this post. I usually browse mumsnet without an account

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 26/07/2026 10:33

Thepeopleversuswork · 26/07/2026 10:23

Why would you hesitate to call it racism?

She has asked the mixed heritage children to straighten their hair to disguise or “tone down” evidence that they have non white heritage.

The same request has not been made of a white child with curly hair. There is no other plausible explanation.

I’d try other ways of getting the SIL to see that what she’s asking is wrong first, just because telling her she’s racist is so difficult to come back from, unless OP is sure that she is (in which case would the children have been asked to be flower girls etc in the first place?). Plus surely the aim is for the SIL to realise that what she’s asked is completely inappropriate and for everyone to be at the wedding. And the SIL will be part of the family.

Don’t get me wrong I think she may well be racist, but I think there are sometimes better ways to make people realise that they are wrong.

Sereine · 26/07/2026 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What non-racist explanation do you suggest there would be for making this demand of black children with very curly hair but not white children with curly hair?

Dweetfidilove · 26/07/2026 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Why do you do whatever you do with yours?

MrSchubertWhiskers · 26/07/2026 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Racists and bridezillas are notoriously rational.

MabelAnderson · 26/07/2026 10:32

CatMum27 · 26/07/2026 09:36

It’s more rude of her to try and dictate your children’s appearance in my view! I’d be interested to know if she’s dictating other people hairstyles at the wedding or just your children’s.

Agree with this, it’s unbelievably rude, and also weird ! I and my dd are white but both have really curly hair, it would look bizarre straightened and would form curls again as the day went on.
It’s a terrible message to give to children that somehow the natural texture of their hair is unacceptable. She sounds a really horrible person, who would ever consider asking someone something like this ? As strange as asking all the straight haired people to curl their hair for the day !

Tryagain26 · 26/07/2026 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

A bride doesn't have the right to dictate that children should deny their heritage for a few wedding photos.
As OP said another (white) flower girl also has curly hair and she hasn't been asked to straighten it. The difference here is that OP's children are not white and the Bride wants them to look more white. It isn't just hair it's who OP's children are. And they shouldn't be made to change just for a Bridezilla.

trumpredcard · 26/07/2026 10:32

TokyoSushi · 26/07/2026 09:42

I though you meant straighten as in tidy, which of course yes, but straighten as in GHD or whatever, absolutely no!

I thought for that type of hair, a chemical straightener, which the children are too young for.

Frankly I'm surprised the request didn't include some skin bleaching too, it's so ridiculous!

Happyjoe · 26/07/2026 10:32

MrSchubertWhiskers · 26/07/2026 10:30

The only lazy people here are those like yourselves who can't be bothered to learn just a little about racism.

And how deep rooted it is, despite people crying "but I am not racist".

onmylastnerveseriously · 26/07/2026 10:31

So what did you reply OP?

OrianaK · 26/07/2026 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

raspberryrisotto · 26/07/2026 10:31

Naaaaah. Your SIL is batshit crazy. How far away do they live? I would be handling this one calmly, in person and not over text.

this is NOT ok.

Growingaseed · 26/07/2026 10:31

narnia2025 · 26/07/2026 10:28

But being unintentionally racist is racism and it needs calling out.

Which is exactly what I did 😊

godmum56 · 26/07/2026 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

bride has been asked. Bride has said she won't tolerate the curly hair at her wedding.

MrSchubertWhiskers · 26/07/2026 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

The only lazy people here are those like yourselves who can't be bothered to learn just a little about racism.

ThisISmycircusandtheseAREmymonkeys · 26/07/2026 10:30

dramaisalifestyle · 26/07/2026 09:40

I wish this wasn't happening. I hate drama 😭. My brother hasn't said anything, the guy rarely answers his phone in general

Your username…

OrianaK · 26/07/2026 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

bettyrubble99 · 26/07/2026 10:29

"It's maybe your wedding but they're my children and i'm not straightening their hair for vanity or any other reason"

godmum56 · 26/07/2026 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ummm the bride has said she won't tolerate their being at the wedding with curly hair. What would you like the OP to say to that?

Merryoldgoat · 26/07/2026 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

No, I’m asking what’s the difference between the two things. You’re suggesting that trying to lighten skin tone is completely different from asking her hair to be straightened.

It’s not. It’s the same thing.

TemperanceWest · 26/07/2026 10:29

bellventrico · 26/07/2026 09:40

Don't really see the problem with this (odd to straighten the boy's hair tho)- it won't do any lasting damage

Edited as cross posted with pps follow up post.

Jellycatspyjamas · 26/07/2026 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

So how would you frame the mixed race children being expected to straighten their Afro hair, and their white cousin not being met with the same demand?

bellventrico · 26/07/2026 10:29

herewegoagainonwednesday · 26/07/2026 10:20

Straightening afro hair is very different from straightening mildly curly or wavy european hair. It is much more heat intense, on hair that is much more prone to damage. no way i would do that.
Not to mention the racist undertone - what’s next, a light coloured foundation?

Sorry - I didn't get that it was afro hair ( my bad) totally inappropriate to request straightening

Mischance · 26/07/2026 10:29

Might ruin the brides day a teeny tiny bit - in what way?

TheFairyCaravan · 26/07/2026 10:29

My nieces are half black, half white and were my bridesmaids. Had I have said to my sister she needed to straighten their hair I’d still be paying for dental work, and I’ve been married 32yrs.