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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

787 replies

dramaisalifestyle · 26/07/2026 09:34

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

OP posts:
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7
Lins77 · 26/07/2026 10:57

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I guess it's a bit of a boring Sunday morning for you? The rage bait is increasingly obvious.

Original poster
dramaisalifestyle · 26/07/2026 10:57

Whoevenknows79 · 26/07/2026 10:42

@dramaisalifestyle I definitely would not straighten my kids hair at that age, and please don't take this the wrong way, but is your children's hair neat? I ask because a family member of mine has 2 mixed race kids and in my opinion their hair is a mess. Never styled mostly looks like it's not been combed, it is frequently commented on in our family (which is the black side) I know the other side of the family think their hair is amazing. I'm wondering if the request might be more about it looking neat on the day, but that said, you have asked for specific hairstyles and she is insisting on straightening which frankly is madness.

Yes their hair is "neat"...???

I don't always style their hair because their hair doesn't need to be styled every day. It's okay to let the curls breathe sometimes.

OP posts:
BurntBroccoli · 26/07/2026 10:56

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WTAF?!

Are you the bride?!

Dorothyperky · 26/07/2026 10:56

Beyonce has a fro in the Mike Myers films.

SummerPeonies2026 · 26/07/2026 10:56

Merryoldgoat · 26/07/2026 10:48

The labelling of natural black hair in its normal state as wild, not smart, uncontrolled etc is a way of applying white beauty standards to something that cannot possibly measure up to.

We can’t be neat and tidy without materially altering ourselves. It’s a pervasive beauty standard leading to rules throughout schools and workplaces that do not work for us. And when we say ‘our hair doesn’t do that’ we’re difficult, trying to make a point etc.

And all we’re doing is existing in the way we were created.

The reason so many black women straighten their hair (not all) is that they have internalised these standards. They know they are perceived as more ‘business like’ and ‘professional’ with straightened hair and take the easier path because they don’t want a battle every fucking day when just going about their business.

Edited
Show quote history

It must be exhausting and upsetting in equal measure. I am sorry so many white people are not aware of this. It is not just ignorance but a lack of awareness of the impact.

I work in a professional role, and yes thinking about it now - there is institutional bias in this regard, and somehow needs to change. It’s really not acceptable - you are more than good enough just as you are.

OrianaK · 26/07/2026 10:56

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Thepeopleversuswork · 26/07/2026 10:55

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She has asked the OP to do something the OP is rightly not comfortable doing: it appears she is singling out her non white children and made unreasonable demands and done it in a rude and disrespectful fashion which assumes she gets to order everyone around.

Why is the onus on the OP to bargain and negotiate with this highly unreasonable request?

Happyjoe · 26/07/2026 10:55

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You're not very good at playing the devil's advocate. I suppose trying brings you joy though?

JoyousWriter · 26/07/2026 10:55

Imagine telling white guests they all had to have a perm!

She's being ridiculous and weird.

SummerDive · 26/07/2026 10:55

I mean your SIL is clearly totally unreasonable and racist.

Im wondering what your dh thinks of her comment. It must have been hugely hurtful to him too.

toomanycoffeecups · 26/07/2026 10:55

FFS I pressed YABU by mistake. Of course you’re not unreasonable. Your SIL however sounds like a combination of the worst type of bridezilla crossed with a eugenics supporting white supremacist . I would be speaking to my brother and telling him he needs to ask his ‘bride’ to wobble her head until hopefully it just falls off. Eugh!

Jellycatspyjamas · 26/07/2026 10:54

Flamingojune · 26/07/2026 10:52

Just say 'i'll see how it goes' and then on the day don't do it. Say they had a melt down.

Or just say I’m not changing their hair to meet some racialised beauty standard. I certainly wouldn't be saying my child had a meltdown so I could avoid naming her behaviour for what it is.

BurntBroccoli · 26/07/2026 10:54

WorthyMintKoala · 26/07/2026 10:49

I would ask a very simple question and nothing else: what is the reason you need their hair to be straight.

She is very unreasonable and I cannot believe what I have read.

Yes this, ask her specifically why she wants their hair straightened.

Sereine · 26/07/2026 10:53

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Has Beyoncé tried to dictate that other people's children get their hair straightened, curled, dyed or whatever?

B9waiting · 26/07/2026 10:53

SummerSummerSummertime · 26/07/2026 09:36

Are you serious?! WTAF. No WAY would I straighten my kids hair.
How the hell does that impact her wedding in any way? Fucking INSANE and frankly, racist. Jesus.

Edited

This! Shocking!

Flamingojune · 26/07/2026 10:52

Just say 'i'll see how it goes' and then on the day don't do it. Say they had a melt down.

LondonLass2026 · 26/07/2026 10:51

Oh my God, just no!

This reminds me of when our boss hired a French-African lady, who liked to wear her hair natural. The boss told her once "your hair looks unprofessional, please tidy it".

Glad to say, she left. So did I, for a variety of reasons.

Say no. She's racist.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 26/07/2026 10:51

The children go to the wedding with their hair the way THEIR MUM wants it. If the bride starts anything you can make her explain, very slowly and for everyone, why it is that mixed-race children are unacceptable with curly hair. Make her say it aloud in front of other people and maybe she will understand then what a ridiculous expectation it is. Regardless of the race of the children, no-one should be 'expected' to make their children fit some 'Insta-ideal' just for a wedding.

sittingonabeach · 26/07/2026 10:50

For those saying it isn’t racist, why is their cousin not being asked to straighten her hair? If the bride wants a certain hairstyle (for young children?) surely she would have checked before now whether that style was possible for all nieces. And what do posters think of her ‘unstraightened hair won’t be tolerated’ response to OP

WorthyMintKoala · 26/07/2026 10:49

I would ask a very simple question and nothing else: what is the reason you need their hair to be straight.

She is very unreasonable and I cannot believe what I have read.

Tryagain26 · 26/07/2026 10:49

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If they choose to it's different.
Saying a child with afro hair has to straighten it is every different. It's like telling a blonde haired child they have to dye their hair black if they want to attend the wedding.

Sereine · 26/07/2026 10:49

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If you think that's racism, you have no idea what you are talking about.

Happyjoe · 26/07/2026 10:48

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So is straight hair the only way to have tidy hair in your book?

Are you the bride?!

Merryoldgoat · 26/07/2026 10:48

PollyBell · 26/07/2026 10:37

How? Anyone can label a paper bag racist doesn't mean it is

Show quote history

The labelling of natural black hair in its normal state as wild, not smart, uncontrolled etc is a way of applying white beauty standards to something that cannot possibly measure up to.

We can’t be neat and tidy without materially altering ourselves. It’s a pervasive beauty standard leading to rules throughout schools and workplaces that do not work for us. And when we say ‘our hair doesn’t do that’ we’re difficult, trying to make a point etc.

And all we’re doing is existing in the way we were created.

The reason so many black women straighten their hair (not all) is that they have internalised these standards. They know they are perceived as more ‘business like’ and ‘professional’ with straightened hair and take the easier path because they don’t want a battle every fucking day when just going about their business.

OrianaK · 26/07/2026 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.