AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

I don’t think she’ll be back either, which is a shame. Hopefully she stood up for her DCs against the blatant racism of her SIL.

fuck that mega bitch. don't go

I don't think @dramaisalifestyle will come back to the thread.

Between the racists and the people accusing her of being a liar (comments now deleted), I don't really blame her.

I don’t think it’s rolling over and accepting to say, no I don’t intend to straighten my childrens hair because it’s part of them as mixed heritage children. It could be wake up call to someone whose requests she obviously views as reasonable even though it clearly isn’t.

I really do not understand why some brides think it is acceptable to treat their wedding guests as props for their photos on the day! And the clear racism here makes her attitude doubly bad, imo.

We cannot use ignorance as an excuse for racism. Also her tone was not on. How dare she say ‘she will not tolerate’ OP’s kids curls!

If someone behaves this way and uses these words we don’t roll over or try and appease. We call them out for what they are.

But sometimes peoples ignorance is a factor - because of the timespan it maybe difficult to change the brides mindset or maybe she has been told the significance of her request.
There are many people who walk on this earth not recognising the consequences of their actions or words. Maybe it will take time to change this woman’s mind but just saying the simple truth, no I won’t be straightening my childrens hair as it’s their cultural identity as mixed heritage children may simply be enough to say. I hope so.

what’s your sons ethnicity???

How do you not see that racism is the key component here? Even after reading this thread!

@dramaisalifestyledo you have any updates? Im really curious to know what happened after your sisters exchange with the SIL.

While it's generally a good idea to keep the peace, this can't be at any cost.
This is an occasion when the cost is too high. Because this isn't about hairstyles, is it? Its about a rejection of your DCs natural appearance as 'wrong'.
I'd die on this hill for my DC and when there were consequences, I'd feel sad, but know it wasn't my fault, and I'd had no other option.

given what the bride has said ("won't tolerate the children at her wedding with their natural hair") I think a happy ending is out there with flying pigs.

This has made me so angry. As a white mum of two mixed white/black kids, I'd be on the warpath. There's no way I or DH would enjoy the wedding even if we went to keep the peace, and there's no way I'd be straightening anyone's hair.

My own DM is also mixed but grew up in the 60s/70s and by her account was bullied relentlessly for her hair and appearance. In the past she has made a couple of little comments about my DD's hair and whilst it hurts that she has obviously internalised the racism she suffered, I've had to stamp them out of her and I'm not afraid to go nuclear if she does it again now that DD is old enough to understand.

Words matter and people need to understand this - incidentally my aunt (DM's sister - also mixed) has no such issues and is a great role model for wearing her natural hair as it is, but she was not bullied or made to feel less than.

You need to stand up to this.

Absolutely this, word for word.
What a massive cow, im so sorry shes going to be your SIL.

Exactly this.

And those trying to minimise this or say it isn’t racist are everything that is wrong with this country and why racism continues to be a huge issue.

Please don't try to minimise this by saying maybe the bride has "her own hair issues".
If you have read the whole thread you will surely see it runs deeper than that?

Yes, let's hope a conversation can be had because the bride needs to understand why her request is so wrong.

For a start because it’s racist AF.. 🫠🤦🏼‍♀️

I’m White British I have very thick curly hair and have in the past straightened it for what I believed gave me a more professional look, then started wearing slightly controlled curl style but my naturally curly look to me is messy. It have been an eye opener reading this thread though. As I wonder if the bride to be also has her own hair issues in the past! Which is coming out with her insistence for specific sleeker hair style as I have with my own controlled curl preference over my natural more frizzy curls. I do hope there is time for a discussion though at least so the bride gets a chance to understand how upsetting this request has been. There is hardly a wedding that doesn’t have some family disagreements a long the way but how lovely if it can be sorted out.

Except for the fact that the children in question are mixed race & their white cousin's curls are allowed.

Of course it's racist.

Maybe read the whole thread...

Speaking as a black mum with mixed raced children I say this from a place of love. You are your child's biggest advocate and protector, as are all mothers but as white woman with mixed race children you need to ensure you make informed decisions from a place that might not be your own experience. I'm so glad to hear that you won't be straightening your children's hair and I'm so glad to hear that you've correctly identified the harm in your SILs request that some others are attempting to minimise. However, I don't think you've gone nearly far enough, you have chosen to have a beautiful mixed family but your family haven't. It's your responsibility to make sure they are educated and any time they make these racist comments or attempt to downplay it call them out without hesitation and if you find they're incapable of learning, don't take too long to step away from them.

Have you read all OP's posts? There's a reason why people are saying she's being racist.

Have you got hold of your brother yet OP? What did he say?

Racist? Calm down. It’s hair! My son has really curly hair and someone asked me to straighten it I’d just say no. It’s got nothing to do with race.

Oh come on those saying it is unintentional- she has clearly said she’s happy with the blonde curls but will not ‘tolerate’ OP’s kids curls…she needs to be called out on this. I hope the OP has.