AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

I think not making unreasonable demands of the family you are joining is more important than the aeshetic.

Kids don't have updoes, especially boys. I think telling anyone to straighten their hair is unreasonable, the bride needs to get over herself.

So inappropriate. Indeed so much so, that I’d give the whole wedding a swerve now that you know future SIL is disgraceful racist and brother is fine with that.

She is trying to whitewash your kids, stand firm for them. They may be disappointed in the short term, but when they are older and you honestly explain why you don’t see SIL/brother, they will thank for it.

Tell her you are not prepared to straighten their hair, "she may not be 'aware' that besides anything else it can be damaging". However, send her some images of the styles you did have in mind!

Agreed. This thread would be a great example to show anyone who denies that there is a massive issue with inherent racism rife and alive in this country.

Some reading for anyone that can't see the issue, Don't touch my hair by Emma Dabiri a good place to start.

Please don't call afro textured hair wild just because it's loose/not braided, t's not appropriate. (you may or may not be aware that black people have in the past been told wearing their hair naturally is unprofessional, messy, wild etc)

Absolutely fucking no way that would be happening.

I would make a WhatsApp group with her, and your DB in it, and write

Re the request to make the kids hair straight, just confirming again that it's not going to be straight. If that's an issue, and you'd rather we weren't there due to this, just let me know and I'll get the outfits back to you this evening so you can make alternative arrangements.

Thanks.

Someone called natural Afro hair ‘wild’. It’s shocking in this day and age, it shows how far we still have to go.

Totally agree @Growingaseed

Yes I am also horrified by the “maybe it looks crazy and you’ve just not realised”, “maybe it doesn’t fit the aesthetic”, “tone it down” or “maybe it’s not being kept very well” parade too. Why would that be your first assumption? And why wouldn’t it apply to everyone in the wedding party, and not just the OP’s kids?

Outrageous.
If she asked you to shave their heads and you refused, would that also be “trying to dictate her wedding” ?

Why do you assume that their natural unplaited hair is untidy @SanFairyAnnie

And yet there are people I hear with racist tropes such as afro hair isn’t neat. These people exist. Even if the OP isn’t real, the commenters who essentially agree with the SIL are right here outing themselves in the thread. And it is always useful to know which names are racist.

If all real, OP you need to understand your sister is a racist. Firm no and if she won’t accept, don’t attend the wedding. Tell your mother to stand up for her grandkids. Screw them all to be honest.

I'd give anything for curls! Your SIL is mad 🤣

Are you seriously saying getting married is an excuse to let your little bit of racism show?!

They don't need their hair to be damaged AT ALL to appease this racist woman and no, the hair probably won't be chopped off soon as curly hair, being curly, is not as long.

The grandmother needs to realise too that sometimes 'keeping the peace' is not an option if it means siding with a racist over your own family.

Having just Googled 4a & c hair, I can only imagine they look incredibly cute. It is the sort of hair I look at and thinks it looks amazing.

Do you think maybe the bride is worried that your kids (and their hair) will somehow upstage her?

"No. We can't".

End of story.

I’d be absolutely raging and would seriously consider my family attending at all. Racism, 100%

I’d be seriously considering cutting all ties with a relative that was so racist towards my children. I’d ignore her now, and continue to ignore her. She’s shown that she has no respect for your dc.

If you do go, leave the kids’ hair as it is! She’ll either be too busy to notice, or too embarrassed to make a fuss publicly.

And when black people say racism is alive and kicking, we are told we are using the race card.
To racist people saying it’s rude, you are absolutely wrong. It’s not rude, it’s racist.

A white women decided she doesn’t like the look of your children hair and feels it will ruin her wedding day. There is no discussion to be had, she is rejecting who they are and I wouldn’t be going to the wedding at all.
this is the opportunity you have as a family to stand your ground, she has told you what she thinks about your children hair. Their hair isn’t the “right kind” of curly like your other niece

Where is your husband in all this? As the black parent I would go ballistic.
A message would be sent and contact would be cut.

Just politely say No, you have never learnt to straighten their hair, given it is so delightful.

I was a flowergirl and it is VERY common for bride to just have a vision of hair style for attendants. We all had different hair but we sat in row at the hair dresser and all walked out with similar smooth high buns with bows on front, and the same nail polish.

Stand your ground but I really don't think your new SIL is meaning to insult anyone.

Suggest that she hires a hair dresser for the morning.

Practise using control products that keep your kid's hair how you like it.

I am gobsmacked. Stick to your guns on this. I like PP's idea of calling out any underlying issues by getting your sister to innocently ask about straightening her kid's hair too.

As is the case with white people! What's your point? What, exactly, are you saying?

Did she get back to you when you suggested non straight styles ? As someone with lots of friends of mixed race and Afro Caribbean origins ,(I live in a very multi cultural area) I see lots of different styles with the kids . Some keep them neat with braids and beads , some wild and free , a good friend of mine who is white and her hubby is black , says her daughter won’t sit still long enough to have it tidy so it’s really just a frizzy bouncy fluff ball which actually suits her but if she was a bridesmaid/ flower girl, I would want it toned down a bit . It could simply be she’s a bit ignorant about black hair and gone and looked at hairstyles online and thought it would look nice . And yes I know of some who do for special occasions straighten their kids hair but they use special Afro straighteners with lots of product when straightening but most of them say in this hot humid weather by the end of the evening it starts curling up again .
A lot on here are shouting racism , but as a bride she chose to include your lovely children and to get your son to carry the plaque in doesn’t immediately make me think she’s racist . Possibly a perfectionist and ocd about how she wants everything . Of course j could be wrong ….. but I think you need a proper chat with her and have it out with her