AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

It’s good that your husband is furious.
What will she ask for next, that you apply light foundation to make them look like the rest of the family ?!
Im very protective of my child’s dignity and ensure that I am raising a child who loves themselves and will not allow a racist person near them.
Has She made any comments in the past about your children’s appearance?
If these are her views I wouldnt trust her around my kids ever because she is likely to make “jokes” or racist comments and not see any harm.
I don’t think you should bother going back and forth with her because she likely won’t understand what she did- typical of racist- will minimise and will think you are exaggerating.

Keep your children away from her and people who think like her.

But if she's asking you to damage a small child's hair by straightening it, it's safe to say she doesn't know much about mixed hairstyles. It might have been better for you to take the lead on this one.

she wants something a bit less 'wild' for the photos

’Wild’???

She can get in the sea. That is outrageous behaviour.

Absolutely!
And starting off saying "lots of my friends are mixed race"...

Honestly, it's shameful.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/newsround/63399563

You might want to suggest your brother reads this. I would suggest the SIL too but she’s probably too stupid to understand it (despite it being CBeebies)! Basically it confirms that for a school, banning certain hairstyles or calling them things like “exotic” can constitute discrimination under the Equality Act.

(And yes I know the bride isn’t a public authority but it’s the principle of the issue that this illustrates).

We all had different hair but we sat in row at the hair dresser and all walked out with similar smooth high buns with bows on front, and the same nail polish.
Stand your ground but I really don't think your new SIL is meaning to insult anyone

Really? The bride has not asked the white curtly-haired child to straighten her hair.

@Goldengamer Some keep them neat with braids and beads , some wild and free , a good friend of mine who is white and her hubby is black , says her daughter won’t sit still long enough to have it tidy so it’s really just a frizzy bouncy fluff ball which actually suits her but if she was a bridesmaid/ flower girl, I would want it toned down a bit

You are looking at ‘neat’ through a white lens. If hair doesn’t comply with your white lens, you think it is ‘wild’ and ‘not tidy’. That’s racist. As is wanting natural hair, which happens to be a ‘frizzy bouncy fluff ball’ “toned down”. Racist as fuck.

I’d curl my whole family’s hair, just to be petty

Your SIL-to-be (there's still time...) is undoubtedly being completely racist here but also, if I were you, I would be absolutely incensed by the way in which she is making this outrageous request, saying she "won't tolerate" your children's natural curly hair.

Honestly, who the hell does she think she is? She's just an ordinary person who sounds quite unpleasant but has found someone to marry her all the same and is carrying on like she's royalty or something.

She sounds racist and just plain horrible tbh and, if I were you, I would be upset my brother was marrying someone like that.

Can you get them a couple of really ridiculous wigs? Like clown ones or something?
This is about the most offensive request I've read and cannot be taken seriously.

she thinks it’s quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding

What an insane way for her to look at the world.

I would not, under any circumstances, be doing this. Even if it meant being uninvited.

Ask her how many white guests are having their hairstyle dictated to by her.

I meant just because I like man buns btw - not for any other reason.

Please do this - I love a man bun. My youngest had a man bun when he was little but hated it after a while so we stopped.

I wouldn’t at all, unless he particularly wants to. This is your chance to show your children how to advocate for themselves and their natural beauty. Plus, if you let SIL take an inch now this will never go away. She won’t stop being racist overnight, if you change your kids hair it cements her viewpoint that she had to ‘neaten’ (whiten) things up. I wouldn’t do anything.

Schools have to be careful if they have a hair policy that they don’t discriminate when it comes to Afro hair, so saying it looks wild or too big could get them in trouble. Same should apply to outside school too

As a mixed race woman this is absolutely a hill I would die on. Protect your children (and it sounds as if you will). Oh, and edited to say that my mum would have absolutely had us out of their if SIL couldn't behave herself.

Wow OP that is appalling! How dare she threaten you and try to control your children's appearance? How fucking rude!

I think I'd just tell her to fuck off, honestly. If it was my brother, I'd let him know we weren't going to be at his wedding, and the reason why. She's absolutely unreasonable/unhinged and your brother should maybe think twice about marrying her at all.

What do you mean by looked after?

Thank god you are a pretty lone voice with this interpretation of OP's SIL's request for OP's children to straighten their hair.

OP's sister's daughter has hair that is just as curly as OP's children's hair, but there has been no such request for her to straighten her hair. Do you just think that it is a coincidence that OP's sister's daughter is white and that her curls are acceptable in a way that OP's children's aren't?

I think that you are probably an apologist for racism but you don't have enough self-awareness to see it.

I never used the word untidy. It was just a suggestion and up to the OP whether she agrees/disagrees.

Can you really not see how racist & totally out of order the rude bride's request is?

Your own post is questionable too tbh...