AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

A normal bride would offer to have hair styled to the persons liking. They dont "dictate" the actual style. That would be really strange

What on the sign she wants your son to carry - 'Welcome to Gilead'?!

If your children are bridesmaids then I’d cut her some slack because it isn’t unusual to dictate what the wear and at a stretch how their hair is done. But if they aren’t then no she doesn’t get a say.

What do you mean?

This is a race issue OP. If you straighten your children’s hair you are telling them that people can be racist towards them with your blessing.

I voted YANBU before i googled the curl types, as i had no idea what they look like. Jesus your SIL is a racist bitch, I can't imagine the effort it would take to straighten their hair. Surely it would need something chemical? Its one thing smoothing out light waves or curls (at parents discretion) but this is attempting to wipe out their identity. Im gobsmacked.

of course you are not being unreasonable to decline to straighten your kids hair.
What does your brother think ?

You aren’t trying to “dictate her wedding” 🤣🤣 what a twat she is.

id just text back that your children have curly hair that is actually in keeping with their bi racial heritage.

If she has a problem with that then it’s best she make the decision they aren’t part of the wedding party rather than trying to change who they are to fit some kind of idea she has in her head.

What an ignorant twat she is. And I hope she realises it rather than making your kids change their body for a wedding photo.

Grrrrrr this has made me so cross.

OP, your brother's wife is definitely coming across as racist, particularly as she hasn't requested your (white) niece's hair to also be straightened.
Of course you shouldn't be asked to straighten your children's hair.
And your mum, however well-meaning, shouldn't be asking you to "go along with it, just this once"
Neither should your brother be avoiding the issue.
Tbh, I'd be seriously concerned that your obnoxious, racist, future SIL would attempt to exclude your children from taking part/being sidelined in the photos when you...quite rightly...refuse to straighten their hair.
And that would be so damaging for their self esteem and self worth.
No children should have to go through that.

Read this earlier today and then saw this painting at the national portrait gallery. Stay strong @dramaisalifestyle - you do not need to pander to such idiocy.

Racist as fuck.

This can't be real. Racist rage bait.

FFS they are little kids - what an utter bitch the bride is. I really hope your DH wipes the floor with her.

I'm so shocked by this. So SIL is basically demanding that you conceal a natural feature of your children's ethnicity. That cannot be other than racist.

That's before you even get to thinking about the possible harm to their hair (and scalp?) of heat or chemical treatment. If they fancy experimenting when they're old enough to decide that's different, but not to be forced as young children through a process to please a racist bride!

Fair enough if bride requests a particular hair style (worn up or worn loose) so there is a fairly uniform theme but changing the natural state of the hair itself - no!!!

I couldn’t tell you how my nieces and nephews had their hair on my wedding day tbh, I was too busy worrying about my hair. Your SIL is being a weirdo.

I think @EineReiseDurchDieZeit has given the best responses. Ice cold clarity is what you need.

I’m sorry you have experienced this ruining of what was going to be a happy family event. Fuck her.

I would take her insistence to mean that her perception is that your kids look scruffy the way you do their hair and it never looks like it’s been properly done. I wouldn’t say that it’s down to them being mixed race - if it was, she could have quietly insisted many months ago about not wanting flower girls etc. When cared for and styled properly, curly hair looks amazing.

My family kind of fetishised my hair and it drove me mad but I get it now - they knew I’d not get the grief they did for theirs.

All over fucking hair.

Yes this absolutely. Please do this op and report back, am here for the exposure of your racist sil!

She is a racist bridezilla. It puts you in a very uncomfortable position. It is also potentially very upsetting and confusing for your children. Sorry you are having to deal with this. As a previous poster said, you can only hope your DB's second wife is nicer.

Perhaps a little more education around the cultural significance of Afro type hair… there is too much for me to go into on a post on mumsnet, and it really should be your responsibility to understand this issue properly. People of colour have for many years engaged in damaging “relaxing” processes, or worn wigs in efforts to make their hair more ‘acceptable,’ and of course the definition of acceptability is rooted in western standards of beauty. As a grown woman with naturally curly hair I still recall the “jokes” made by family and friends at my expense. It led to a lifetime of feeling less professional, less attractive, less ‘put together, (generally less than). For children with black heritage, this is even more deeply woven into their identity. Make no mistake, your future SIL is expressing racism towards your children, directly to you. Please protect them from this.

Yes, it's unhealthy, in the sense that racism is unhealthy.

JFC I can't believe in this day and age that your SIL didn't immediately see that and apologise.

I don't know how you tackle it though - there's not really any way to sugarcoat 'you're a racist'.

Of course you aren’t being unreasonable. I mean, this is so insane as the question if this is even a real situation, sorry if it is but it’s just so left field. Things that occur to me, this can’t be her only bridezilla behaviour there must have been other red flags before this, also this is just the beginning, you’ll need to deal with her for as long as their marriage lasts and going forward this incident will always be a bone of contention between the two of you

Id get the best comedy wigs for the kids. Maybe a queen Elizabeth one for your daughter

I think id make an effort to have my own hair as curly as possible too.
Best idea is to get your sister to contact her saying she's just heard that her daughter can't have her natural curls at the wedding, and can she confirm that