AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

When I straightened my hair with a flat iron the curl never went back to how it was and I have to grow it out which takes years. It looks daft growing out as there’s two curl patterns. My hair was over twice as long straightened which was a shock. It also meant the hair was very brittle.

Just say no sorry but you won't be doing that. Its cheeky of her to ask.

So he's marrying into racism, nice.

Your sil is outrageous and this is so bloody racist. Hopefully she exposes herself when your sister messages to ask if her daughters hair needs straightened too. I think you should talk to your brother and have him sort it out. Racist cow.

I don’t think this is the point.
it really doesn’t matter if the hair gets damaged or not. No one has the right to request that two very young children with Afro hair get their hair straightened. It’s inappropriate at best, and well, at worst… it’s already been insinuated on this thread many times!

Hopefully, tell her to go fuck herself and turn up to the wedding with both children and their curly locks flowing? As a fellow mixed raced parent this is what I would’ve done anyway!

I don't think the OP should blame the kids - I think it's important the bride gets told the reason why OP won't be straightening the hair. And whether the bride is told gently or forcefully is up to the OP.

I would most definitely be checking if the other niece has been told she has to have straight hair. If she hasn’t then you can be very clear that she’s just racist and at that point I’d be warning my brother that she is a racist so he could consider if he really wants to marry her. I’d also be asking my mum if she is really suggesting that I try and white wash her grandchildren for the benefit of a racist.

I agree with all of @cloudtreecarpet’s post, particularly this: "I would be absolutely incensed by the way in which she is making this outrageous request, saying she "won't tolerate" your children's natural curly hair."

I don’t know what to suggest you do, though, @dramaisalifestyle. If your future SIL continues to be adamant and racist insisting that you straighten your children’s hair, I would suggest you first of all go to your brother and see what he thinks. If he agrees with your mother, then I would just say, “Sorry, much as we would love to be at the wedding, sadly we can’t agree to attend under these racist conditions.” And then they’ll spend their whole wedding day fending off questions from guests wondering why your part of the family isn’t there.

Tell her to f right off. Your children are not accessories to her wedding. They are human beings. Wtf is wrong with people? 🤦🏻‍♀️

Could you just not turn up and when someone asks where you are forward the text that says your SIL will not tolerate your children being there with non straightened hair so obviously you couldn’t go.

@dramaisalifestyle Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause.

Straightening hair using a flat iron does not cause any permanent damage to hair.

Hair growth starts in the follicles, with the strand of hair being pushed out from the follicle. If you damage a strand of hair, that damage simply gets cut off the next time you have a haircut. No damage occurs to the hair follicle, which is where hair growth happens.

Omg
I'm shocked
That's like asking someone with ginger hair to dye it or something.
That's part of who they are ..I bet their is beautiful
What a nasty family they are

Your SIL is a cunt, and your Brother is a wet lettuce. I would contact with them both.

did you not RTFT? Bride has already said that she will not tolerate the OP's children turning up without straightened hair

You could sort of speak as if you might do what you what she wants, but don't actually do it. With a bit of luck she will never speak to you again 😁

This is appalling. I wouldn’t be going to the wedding. I’d be calling your brother out on his future wife’s behaviour.

Absolutely spot on, if this is something Bridezilla is willing to write what does she actually say.
Vile woman.

I hope its fake.

This is outrageous. Please do not do it, in fact if I were you I would refuse to attend on the grounds of her racist attitude towards your children. Sod keeping the peace.

Hello no.
I wouldn't straighten their hair. I'd turn up as planned, with their natural hair. She'd look bonkers if she tried anything in front of everyone.
Either that or I wouldn't go. I don't normally like the term but she is definitely a 'bridezilla'. If tell all of her 'flying monkeys' to back off too!

Nope. Bridesmaid themes are a thing, but a hairdresser would just come along and make them look as lovely as can be with their hair.

If the bride thinks that means the little girl should have her hair straight in order to look lovely, then that's incorrect.

She ought to have mentioned her requirements to you when she first asked your children to participate in the way that they are currently expecting to. Then you could have told her 'no I'm not prepared for my children to participate if those are the requirements'.
But she didn't, she waited until she thought she had you cornered.
She's going to be trouble, I'd want to be dealing with her here and now in a way that ensures she won't try and dominate me again.

My bridesmaids at my wedding all had different hairstyles, including my friend's mixed-race daughter who asked to have her hair straightened (she was 8). By the reception it had returned almost fully to her beautiful, natural curls. I was just happy to have my loved-ones there, couldn't care less about hair.

Your SIL is being so unreasonable imo. Even straightened, your daughter's hair will look different because it is! She is going to look back on these demands one day and realise what an arse she's being.

Are we racist now Father?

In that case she would have sent some suggested fancier styles for afro hair.

I'd be tempted to reassure her that your kids won't pimp walk down the aisle.

But on a more serious note, I think the only way you can get past this (if you want to, maybe just for the wedding which your kids are excited about) is with a patronisingly simple culture 101 explanation of why this is racist is important.

'black people have been under social pressure for centuries to 'fix' themselves to fit white ideas of what's beautiful or good. So for the last 70 years or so, it's been an important part of raising kids of colour to help them take pride in their natural beauty - to celebrate, not denigrate it by doing anything that suggests that white physical characteristics are more prized. I'm teaching the kids to love themselves. There's still plenty of pressure on them to diminish themselves, and I take that responsibility very seriously, so I won't risk this, sorry.

It would stick in the throat of lots of people including me, but it might be a workaround for now.