AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

Utterly vile behaviour from her and sh absolutely needs to be called out on her despicable racism. I would go nuclear and be happy to burn bridges over this.

Call out her racism. She thinks she can get away with this. You actually can’t let her. It’s not fair on your kids or your husband. I also think it’s a good idea for your sister to ask about your nieces’s curly hair. Then both go nuclear at her and your brother for allowing this behaviour.

Agreed. Why one earth does it matter whether the kids have curly or straight hair. Even if they were white it would be irrelevant to the day.

Honestly some brides really need to have a word with themselves.

You have a complete bridezilla on your hands, and a mum/brother with no backbone.

My son has curly hair, as do I, there is no way anyone is telling either of us how to have our hair straightened for an event.

As per my previous posts I misread the post and had not realised their hair was afro - of course that's an unreasonable request

I would focus on the kids and the message you are sending to them. Tell them they should never feel they have to change their cultural identity and make sure you know that you are standing up for them. They need to know that your sil is in the wrong and that you are standing with them. They might not fully understand it right now, but later they will look back and feel proud that you took the stand for them, that it is important and that you can't bow down to rascists. What a shame for your kids that their auntie is treating them like this.

Come on OP do you even need to ask? My DS is mixed heritage and there is no way on God's green earth I would consider straightening his hair - at a white family member's request, no less!

You wait until he finds out soon to be SiL has told the photographer to make sure the guy with the Locs is at the end of each group photo and to airbrush him out…..

Nonsense that hair is usually straightened before an updo, if anything, hair is usually curled for an updo.

This is one of the most depressing and batshit bridezilla requests I have ever read. The idea of 'not tolerating' a particular hairstyle is just batshit. These are young kids, not supermodels or even adult bridesmaids. And of course 2 kids with a particular hairstyle is going to ruin the wedding????!!!!
They are similar ages to my adorable, mixed race niece and nephew who also have beautiful curly hair. If anyone made a similar request and threat on their behalf that would be the last time I ever spoke to them.
I would talk to your brother, explain politely why you won't be straightening their hair and leave him to deal with his fiance.

I'd do a practice run of the hairstyles you have in mind and send her pics with a message:

"I won't be straightening the kids hair due to heat damage - this is what I had in mind, hope that works."

If after that she still insists their hair needs straightening someone needs to have a strong word with her.

I'm genuinely shocked.

I agree with the suggested response upthread about white-washing, she really does need to be called out on her racist rejection of their natural looks.

Also I'd be massively tempted to send a vague "I'll see what I can do with their hair" and then make sure they have the biggest, bounciest, shiniest Afro on the day.

Fuck her.

Think they are there, already!

Flat ironing does cause damage to the hair strand, so it could take 4 years for the children to grow back undamaged hair from the undamaged follicle.

This is a great question to ask to put her on the spot and hold a mirror up to her racism. Is there a family group chat you could put it in so everyone sees it? She deserves to be called out in front of everyone.

This.

Yes fair enough.

"Cut her some slack"??
She's being openly racist here, can you not see that?

Honestly, have a word with yourself!

I wouldn't do it to comply with a racist request to look 'better' in someone's photos. I would rather not go.

I would reply "has your account been hacked? Did you actually send this response? Because it isn't like you to go full racist bridezilla, as obviously the kids' hair is a feature of their racial heritage? "

Or, more likely, you have to talk with your brother about this.

Get the drama damped down as much as possible before there is a full scale lasting family feud.

I’d be getting a perm. Tip her right over the fucking edge.

Some people are crazy with weddings. Have people forgotten what they’re all about? I wouldn’t have dreamt of telling anyone what to do with their hair on my wedding day. I mean, it was ten years ago and I could tell you now what anyone’s hair looked like, it’s not important at all. Stick to your guns, your children are perfect as they are. I hope they never hear about this so they don’t see their hair as a ‘flaw’ when it’s actually a strength

How dare she. She's an ignorant racist. I'd stick to your guns. No way she should be dictating that you straighten your kids hair. There's no way this should be accepted as an appropriate request just because she's the bride and it's her wedding.

I wouldn’t do this, it gives the racist bridezilla an out because she’ll just tell your sister yes she should straighten niece’s hair too.

I would text your brother and say you will not be straightening your children's hair and if any issues with that he needs to call you.

My response would be: ‘Are you asking all your guests with curly hair to straighten it, or is this ultimatum reserved for the non-white ones only?’