AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

She is a racist bitch. I'd be letting the rest of the family know and would not attend this wedding.

I would be tempted to be obtuse and send her a message (with screenshot of message re niece's hair) saying glad to see you've changed your mind about natural curls, that's great, because straightening my kids' hair was never going to happen! So that's great! Do you want daughter's hair half up with a flower clip like niece?

If she pushes back on straightening ask her to explain exactly what the problem is. She'll either back down or have to spell out her racism. If it's the latter then you and your husband can decide what to do with that information.

I agree with pp that she deserves the nuclear option now but you've indicated your kids might be upset to miss the wedding ... The above might give her the option to back down saving face to make it look like her decision. Though you'll still know that she's a nasty racist bitch underneath.

Ahh missed opportunity I think your sister should have said “is my DD expected to have straight hair?!”

You need to text your brother and ask for a meet up just you two and call out this racism. Hopefully he will also be angry on your behalf

Your sister hasn't helped! It's a shame she didn't say "I hear from drama that you don't want curls - not much we can do about that 🤣"

She’s a racist. When you call her out on it she will say it is a misunderstanding when it clearly isn’t. I would advocate for my kids and call out her behaviour. Would keep her at arms length and make it crystal clear to your mum too that it is racist.

Your future SIL is a racist. I'd pull the children out of the wedding and reconsider my own attendance.

So ask her has she or will be requesting anyone who has curly hair to do so ( such as your sisters daughter and any adults)
it will be interesting to hear what her response is.

Send this exact message. It makes SIL have to explain her actions (racism) and leaves you the moral high ground of not attacking immediately.

The latest update makes your SIL sound disgusting. I wouldn’t be straightening their hair and would expect an apology. If they can’t have natural hair they wouldn’t be in the bridal party (not sure if this would just upset the kids though) or I wouldn’t be attending the wedding.

I'm shocked that the bride is making this demand. As you say, it's really unhealthy for the hair and the children are too young to be put through the process.

It’s nice to see most posters understand the racism inherent in the request but I’m really shocked by the numbers talking about ‘wild’ or ‘untidy’ hair when they simply mean natural curls. And as for the comments abput brushing…my DD (now 30) is white and her hair is ( I now know from googling) 2C/3A. Brushing has always been a total no. Curly hair of any type, but especially Afro hair, needs very specific care. And it isn’t inherently ‘untidy’.

Also op, your mum going along with SIL to ‘keep the peace’ would have me fuming, that’s so disappointing.

Absolutely no way! As a mother of 5 mixed raced children i would be asking why?
I understand your children are apart of the wedding but from this i wouldnt be attending.
My children have different types of curl types for 2c to 4b and often have there hairs in braides and beads.
Anyway obviously the new SIL dose not understand how this will effect your childrens hair and how using a normal strightner isnt the way forward and would leave it a complete fizz bomb within the first hour!

I think it would be illegal for a professional hairdresser to use the straightening chemicals on such young children……quite apart from the whole racism aspect!

@dramaisalifestyle I'm outraged on your behalf, this seems such a racist attitude.

However, if you decide not to attend the wedding how upset will your dc, especially your dd, be? My dd at that age would have been devastated.

I think you need to talk to your db and come to a compromise as you mentioned before, to give them a hairstyle that doesn't involve straightening their hair.

And after the wedding I think you need a serious talk with your dsil about racism and be clear it won't be tolerated. She may just be ignorant which is no excuse but may mean she's open to education.

I couldn’t let this go, I would be texting asking why her other blonde niece can wear her hair curly for the wedding and not your dc! We can see who your SIL is now after your update. Please make her squirm!

Hi SIL and DB

Please can you explain to me and DH why it’s acceptable for DN's naturally curly hair to be on show at your wedding, but you "won’t tolerate" DD's naturally curly hair and would prefer DS's to be straightened too?

I would hate to think that racism could be the cause, so I’m sure there must be another reason. I look forward to hearing what it is.

If you don't go to the wedding though, it will upset the kids. Make sure you make it clear, that it is not because of them, it is because of the attitude of her (and others if they stand by this shit). Make everyone accountable!

So it’s just your children’s curls she has a problem with because they are mixed race and your niece who is allowed to have her curls on display is white?!
Blatant racism and I would be screen shotting your sisters message, sending it to your SIL and telling her as she seems to have a problem with how your children look, you’ll be sending back the outfits and declining to take part, and doing something extra fun for them elsewhere on the day……
This has to be one of the most horrible things I’ve read on here, do not straighten your children’s hair, ignore your Mother and advocate for your children
A genuine family loves all of its members, my SIL and brother were getting married, I explained I wouldn’t be able to get one child into a suit due to sensory clothing issues (Autism Diagnosis)
I was told by the bride that she didn’t care if he turned up in joggers and a t-shirt she just wanted him there and comfortable.
In the end he wore a collarless grandad shirt and jeggers and looked fairly smart but obviously nowhere near as smart as his brothers who were in waistcoats, ties etc
I have curly hair, there is no way I’d straighten it on request!

Right seen your update.

if this was me I would be sending screenshots of both messages (the one sail sent you and the one she sent your sister) to your mum and brother and actually say are you both ok with your niece/nephews and grandchildren being subjected to blatant racism and is this actually who you want to be around? I would actually have a very difficult time with my family being ok with someone having these sort of beliefs and thinking they can be so openly racist to child family members.

I would not be speaking to sil for awhile if at all.

She ‘won’t tolerate’ them not having their hair straight?! What am I reading?! Pure insanity!

I think the request (demand?!) is outrageous - it makes me feel ill just thinking about it. I can’t imagine anyone even coming up with this idea (I’m white with mixed heritage and white children in my extended family and it would never have occurred to me .) Don’t accept this - the kids will be lovely as they are. Let them enjoy the day as themselves.

Yep. Neat and messy have already been used on this thread
I see a lot about meghan markles daughter and people saying her hair needs a good brush, how messy it is etc… she’s got wavy/curly hair, it would look horrendous if dry brushed

Thanks @PermanentTemporaryand the others who rated my post

Send you SIL a text using exactly the same wording as your sister!

See what she comes back with.