Aibu to think that life is just you doing what every else wants and never being happy?

It should go without saying that no, life should not be like that, and let me add that you (and everyone) deserves better. We find it hard to let go of the things we have invested in, but once we do we can finally breathe again. I've been is a relationship I should have left years in but let go on for a decade. Imagine a decade more of your life. Can you bear it? If not, the time to decide is now.

Great advice, spot on 👍 hope you're ok OP x

Make two lists.
Things you have to do, which includes the work that pays your bills, the things that keep you healthy physically and mentally, and your essential commitments to others that if you didn't do them would cause them serious detriment.
Then, things you want to do, for you, to give you pleasure.
Anything not on these lists, decide you're not going to do anymore.
Then look at the two lists and think where each item could be as efficient and streamlined as possible. Can your work stress be relieved, eg, if your workload is unreasonable? Is it the right job for you? Can you see your parents fortnightly instead..? And so on.

You really don't need this life! Get rid of partner. How old are you?

Leave your partner, op, he's making you unhappy, that will be half your problem solved, he's really not bringing anything positive to your life

Draw a line under the whole mess, set yourself a schedule that works for YOU, and tell everybody concerned that this is how it will be from now on, if Dp doesn't like it he can leave, if family don't like it - tough! they can whinge from afar. You cannot clone yourself to be in so many places at once, so they accept what you can do.

You have multiple issues.

You're a people pleaser who doesn't set boundaries. You prioritize your partner instead of yourself. You're spreading yourself too thin between you full time work, your partner who has you being a nanny, and your parents. You're fulfilling their expectations instead of yours.

This is burn out. That's where you emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted from all the stress you're under. No one here prioritizes you. You've burnt out trying to fulfill all those demands all the time and expectations and it won't improve without you doing something about it.

Your partner is lazy as fuck and needy and using you as nanny and maid and isn't even fucking working but still complaining how exhausted he is. He doesn't want you seeing friends. There is no care for you there. He wants a gf appliance. You'd be better off without him. This relationship drains you.

Your parents are needy expecting you to do a 4 hour drive weekly. Tell them you have to drop the visits to twice a month. You need downtime and to do some things for yourself.

You have to set boundaries with the people and situations that are constantly draining you.

Therapy for the people pleasing.

You don’t have to see your parents weekly. Why do they have this expectation? This is what phones are for.
You don’t have to do what your partner wants all the time either.
Start saying no. People will be surprised at first but then will get used to it.

This is the reason why people like me stay single (or get divorced) and remain child free.

Ditch the "partner". Useless sack. You'll find your life immediately improves!

You there OP? Is any of this resonating?

Oh OP you need a hug from your friend and then to embark on a new way of living.
Find a way to extract yourself with the least pain and financial ramifications but do this quickly. Your ‘partner’ is a selfish, lazy manipulator who will only get worse and his children are learning these same traits so do not be persuaded otherwise.
You deserve to be happy and to fill your spare time doing things you genuinely enjoy. Good luck 🌻

Time to put yourself first until you are feeling more capable of engaging with your family and friends. Work is, I expect for you as for most of us, is non-negotiable. The rest is ALL negotiable. Yes, we should spend time with all the people who love us and whom we love but those same people would understand a break in the pattern if they really knew how torn in different directions you are. I haven't spoken about your Partner as I think the approach there should be different - more along the lines of what does he bring to my life and is it time to rethink that altogether. Wishing you well, OP.

I would suggest visiting your parents once a month

Then you could start your own hobby on the weekend

Start doing things for yourself

Your partner doesn’t seem to be bringing anything to the table OP .
Walking around the city to build yourself up to go home , not good .
If you don’t feel loved or appreciated ( and I don’t blame you ) , time to walk away .

You need to have a serious chat with your parents aswel , also that brother of yours .
How come they can’t travel to see you ?
Contact them today, explain everything to them like you have done here .
Time to look after yourself OP , & feel happy again .
Good luck with it all x

Sounds like you need to redesign the boundaries OP and accept that to create the life you want, you'll have to accept a bit of criticism from family/partner because they're used to you people pleasing & they're going to push back, but you have to stick to your guns. Otherwise, this will always be your life.

A 4hr round trip every week to visit parents?!? I love my mum to bits. But 4hrs a week on top of full time work is just not sustainable. I'm amazed you lasted this long. The thing about "prioritising family" sounds like emotional blackmail. Now, if you feel this is something that you absolutely will not compromise on - then I'd look at changing jobs, or cutting hours. I would look at this either way tbh. If you could get a job with 35hrs you will feel a difference. Please don't write off the idea of changing jobs - it could make a real difference in well-being.

Time for a reset. Get a blank piece of paper and write what you want your life to look like. You may think you don't have control, but you CAN take it back. Tell ppl you need time and support while you make changes to your life, because you've burned out. If they don't like it, just take yourself out of that convo respectfully and stay focused on you. Ppl are pulling you every which way, but you're worth more than this - don't let anyone walk over you, this is your life and you have the right to be happy and to get positive things out of your day for you.

From a recovering people pleaser: think about therapy, and try a little journalling and affirmations. I remind myself each day that I have a voice and I'm not just here for everyone else, I'm here for me ❤️
You got this OP, don't lose momentum, start today & make some changes that make YOU feel better x

Don't want to derail the thread too much with the abstract discussion when OP has clear tangible problems that can be sorted, but to this point:

Now I’m not into conspiracy theory’s, but I do find humanity weird. When did we get to a place where we can’t just live our own lives anymore?

And the idea of being 'free' - when in history/where in society are you thinking of that humanity had this freedom? We've always had to work and be beholden to others in some form even if that was hunting and gathering or fetching water.

Lots of those basic tasks have been made easier with tech - taps, supermarkets etc - but I don't know where the 'live our own lives any more' idea comes from. There used to be serfdom and slavery, and childhood is longer than it used to be now - my grandpa went to work in the mill by his teens. Education for all was/is a good thing. Sure the industrial revolution led to the current commodification, but before that there was still work in whatever form and being free (to do what?) wasn't an option for most unless they were rich off others' backs. If you mean some frugal self-sustainable off-the-grid kind of lifestyle, that's hard too.

In many ways, the generation that currently has good pensions and could retire relatively early (not everyone by any means but some) have the most freedom to live their own lives than those who came before or after. So yeah, not sure the postlapsarian idea stands up to much testing. Same amount of air in the balloon, just squeezed in different places.

But the OP's issue is more easily solved by ditching the selfish DP and standing up for what she quite rightly needs.

Tell your parents you’re tired because they’re making you spend 4 hours driving every weekend then moving at you for not staying longer!

and your partner can fuck of with his “tapping out of family life” - that’s so obviously code for “you’re not doing enough childcare of my kids”

leave him and 50% of your problems will be gone. Imagine how peaceful it will be to get home and be alone and able to do whatever you like without anyone complaining at you!

How old are you?

I just wouldn’t have any of this and have spent a life being quite awkward by some people standards because I just do what I want to. When very young I went on a date with a great looking guy who was a nice person but when I found out he had two primary age children there was no second date. Your DH sounds useless which has made a situation that will always involve more work and planning so much worse.

You need more head over heart, plus what age are your parents? Unless disabled they can travel and it is unrealistic and selfish of them to expect to be seen every week. When I’m older I would worry my DS wasn’t having a life if he spent that much time with me.

Get rid of the boyfriend and be much pickier.

We got here because “living our own life” just isn’t physically possible

you are born and left to live your own life - you die pretty quickly

you get through your first few years and learn to walk and then left to live your own life - find your own food and make your own home? Die from the first virus to hit you ?

the life you live is part of a society and has been since before Homo sapiens emerged as a distinct species - we work together to make things better for us all - with some people specialising in stuff they are very good at

but rather than discover phytahorus theorem anew each generation, we learn form each other , from people all over the world and pass that into each generation via education because the wealth of knowledge is now so vast that relying on a parent to pass on what they know will seriously limit a child’s opportunities and general understanding, and , as it turns out, general happiness

people who want to live outside of society and not abide by the basic rules and not want to contribute are welcome to leave society - and leave this land

they are not welcome to benefit from out house and roads and medical system if they don’t want give something of themselves in return

none of this is the OPs problem

I raised 4 children alone, worked a demanding full time job, and still found tiny bits of time or headspace for my own happiness.
Adjust your boundaries and learn to put yourself first occasionally. You are allowed to!

Yep I find life a really weird concept to think about. Your average life expectancy is 73 years.

Your born, then after:
4 years - you’re forced into some form of education system (education is fantastic but making parents legally liable and threatening prison sentences for not sending a 5 year old to school is wild)

thats 14/15 years of mandatory education, then you have to work to survive, working determines how nice and how comfortable a life you will live. You don’t work? You suffer and nobody really or actually gives a shit.. just another day in the office.

You can, if you can afford it, retire at 66 (soon to be 67). So we spend 52 of our 73 year average life span, working to survive some manmade human specific food chain.

so between 15 years of government controlled education, and 52 years of essentially government controlled living.. we have approximately 10 years of being ‘free’ in life. 4 of those were too young and unable to really do anything for ourselves anyway, the remaining 6 years were likely getting too old and worn down by the government to do what we please anyway, so we settle.

That’s not even taking into considerations marriages and relationships, where both parties end up needing to compromise and give up hopes and dreams in order to please another person.

Now I’m not into conspiracy theory’s, but I do find humanity weird. When did we get to a place where we can’t just live our own lives anymore?

Be very very clear about what you can do and what you can't do. What you can do is what you actually want to do btw. Speak clearly and factually. Men respect this. State your expectations. Eg i work full time and have a life (family and friends) that are a priority. However, I will make sure i'm around every other Saturday (or whatever) for us to hang out. I don't want to do all the housework and cooking. So how about you cook 3 days and i'll do the same. Just be super clear. Days to yourself, doing what you want, lie ins, whatever you need, they are MORE of a priority than anyone else, especially when you don't have children

You're not married and you don't have kids; end it now. And then set a new pattern with your parents, like you'll go every third week or whatever. Maybe once in a while invite them all to your place - brother can drive the parents. If they say no that's their choice, but they won't be seeing you that week. You'll soon find out how desperate to see you they really are.

Have a reset now, or brother will be telling you that you have to do all the travelling to do all the care when the time comes.

I also work long hours and I would never, ever watch an adult play football. If any future grandchildren played football I would watch them. Because they are children and need the support.

Your parents are really unreasonable. Now is the time to tell them you are exhausted and burnt out. Say the hours you work are exhausting and driving back and forth to them is also exhausting.

Say you can’t do it for now and suggest a family quiz night on teams or something. Stand firm and do not under any circumstances continue to drive there weekly. Once a month is more than enough then phone call/ video message the other weeks. If they moan repeat that it is making you ill and is too much.

I agree about dumping the boyfriend. He sounds lazy and selfish if he is not even keeping the house up together and cooking whilst off work. He doesn’t care that you are tired and working long hours or he would show that he cared.

However difficult it is I would at least try to live separately to him.