DH and MIL took DS for first shoes fitting without me

OP I don't think you need people to tell you if they'd feel upset or not. The point is you felt upset.

I would have felt the same but equally know others who wouldn't care at all.

You felt upset and that's all that matters.

Whether they were BU or not depends on if they knew how you'd feel or considered it.

The fact that MIL already had the idea she wanted to buy his first shoes shows that she knew that 'first shoes' are a thing. Nobody cares about buying a first pair of gloves or first pair of jeans, they're just gloves and jeans, so MIL clearly knew it held some significance. How significant it is to any given mum is variable, but that she didnt run it by you to find out is a bit crappy when she herself knew it could be special. I suppose she may have asked DH if you'd have minded and he didn't realise it was a thing so said go ahead? Personally, I would want to choose first shoes myself, but i can see that's a bit precious too as it is just shoes. In your scenario I could deal with not being there if time was tight and the shoes were needed, but would struggle with not even being asked if I minded.

But you’re clearly ok with that? Lovely that she was excited but she’s already got to do all that with her own kids. Maybe an excited mother would enjoy doing some of those things themselves.

@Mummyoflittledragon she may also have been involved with first shoes, as well as first haircut and going home from hospital outfits 😅 my mum was an excited grandmother.

Agree with this. It was thoughtless.

I’d have been upset too as it’s a sweet moment and it’s nice for you to choose the shoes too. I’ve kept my eldests first shoes as a keepsake. It is a milestone to me too.

I get that you’re ’over it’ now but it’s up to you what milestones matter so it doesn’t really matter what others think anyway. Some people don’t care about them at all or some families have random ones others wouldn’t think of. Enjoy as many special moments with your kids as you want to.

I'd have been glad they took that off my plate. I can't remember what my kids' first shoes were, don't remember the fitting, and couldn't tell you who was there. I assume I was as I was a SAHM long past them needing shoes, but the impact on my life, my happy memories of DC, my bond with them, etc. has been absolutely zero.

First Christmas outfit really isn’t a thing in the same way. My mum bought my dd a keepsake dress to wear for her first Christmas. That was a sweet thing to do and completely different from the interactive shopping experience of shoes.

I would have been upset too. Devastated no. But this is your child and they’re little for such a finite amount of time.

Buying first shoes is totally a thing here, and first shoes are a keepsake.

I think I'd have been upset too and I voted YANBU, but the pre-warning about MIL wanting to pay for them, and a clear sanction & involvement of your husband, are both large mitigating factors. I might be more upset with my husband than MIL.

My parents did a lot for my kids, and shock horror even some 'firsts' eg the first Christmas outfit 🤯

Never was I devastated, in fact I was just so very happy that DS's had a loving extended family, and encouraged them to have a relationship independent of me.

My now x MILdid this. It really fucked me off. And the shoes were awful.

I wouldn’t have been upset about the shoes, especially as your DMIL is generally lovely. What would upset me, but probably not lots of others, would be if they had taken DS for his first haircut.

I would have been very upset. For our family, buying first shoes was a milestone and we went down the shops together as a special trip to be fitted and choose some.

I'd have been upset. Totally thoughtless of them.

If they were getting excited about it being a first shoe fitting, they'd have had some insight to the fact that it was an important moment for people involved.

I can’t remember taking either of my sons to their first shoe fitting. I do remember finding later trips a PITA because we tended to buy them just before school started in the summer so they’d last as long as possible and so there was always a big queue. If someone had bought and paid for them and saved me a trip then I’d have been delighted.

My memory of shoe shopping- it was one of the worst chores especially when they got to the age where they didn't like anything that was in their size. Plus the cost! Don’t remember first shoes for any of my 4 - obviously not a significant milestone. .

Wouldn't have bothered me in the slightest. I really don't see it asea major milestone.

I’d have been upset yes. Taking your child for their first pair of shoes for me is a milestone and i’d be upset my DH didn’t even consider that.

I think, we as mothers think we need to do it all and be there for everything. I just had a think and my husband had no input in shoe buying at all. Just putting myself in your husband’s position.
If my mother had accompanied me and paid for the shoes he would have paid no heed at all and thought isn’t that kind.
I definitely know where you are coming from though.

My FIL was desperate to sort out ds’s first shoes, so we took him along & he paid for them & then we all went for lunch.

Dd1 - well, at ds’s shoe fitting they’d tried quite hard to upsell us ‘your other little boy’s crawling shoes’. Dd1 was wearing her brother’s hand me down stripey jumper & managing to crawl quite well without shoes. So we didn’t return to Clarks, & she got her first shoes from Next. I think. Might’ve been Sainsburys tbh.

Dd2? No idea. I assume she started wearing shoes at some point between birth & waltzing happily out the door in my vintage New Rocks & Irregular Choice, but I’m buggered if I can recall making a ceremony out of it.

I would let them get on with it. It’s a bit of a rip off, but it’s MIL being ripped off not you, it’s well intentioned, & if you keep things friendly now, you have a good foundation for future gifts you might not love/might want to steer things a bit.

I would have been upset. But there was a lot of history between in-laws and me. Luckily (now ex) DP knew this kind of thing mattered to me and wouldn't have gone without me.

I would have been very upset and it was extremely thoughtless of them (but I would be able to accept that no harm was meant, especially as you say MIL has generally been lovely). Would it help you let it go if you told MIL how upset you were? In as lighthearted a way as possible obviously, I don't meant start a row about it.

I honestly don’t see why this should be an issue. Why is it important to buy your child’s first shoes? 🤣🤣

It would have annoyed me, but devastated? Come on. I was devastated when my parents revealed their terminal cancer diagnoses.

I bought all my grandchildren their first shoes, DS and I went and got my first granddaughter’s as DIL was at work - she was fine as I was paying she said she felt that DS should be the parent there and that was the only day he could do so she missed it. The next 3 I just sent the money and she took them and bought them.

i know pay for their school shoes every august for the new year and their winter coats at the same time, sometimes I’m there sometimes I send money, it’s just the way it works.

its a tradition I started, I have a friend who says I’m overstepping and her DIL wouldn’t be happy. But my DIL seems ok, so I’ve just kept it up