DH and MIL took DS for first shoes fitting without me

I think it's hard when you've been with your DC 24/7,if you've enjoyed it, and then go back to work. This probably just hit that nerve, rather than being about the shoes.

How lovely your DS has so many lovely family members and you were so well supported in going back to work.

I'm quite sentimental, I'd have been upset by this. Found my dc first shoes in a keepsake box last weekend and it brought tears to my eyes 🥲

Different things are important to different people, I have 4 children and have never felt the urge to worry about first of anything for any of them. I suspect I'm hardened to it by working full time.

Did everyone know you would want to be there for this, if so it's probably more significant then if no one knew.

I'm sure you are sick of shoe fittings by now, let it go no harm has been down either way.

I disagree with the pp’s who think you are overreacting. They’re looking at it from the vantage point of a parent who is long past the first baby stage and probably several babies down the line. They have forgotten what is like to have your first baby and marvelling at each small milestone. I think your MIL overstepped. By the way, I have a scan of the photo and card Clark's give you when you buy your child's first shoes in my digital albums and have the original photo and Clark's card somewhere. I certainly didn't throw it out. The experience of buying their first shoes certainly is "a thing".

This would have annoyed me too, OP. But now that I have grandchildren, I use how I was treated as a template of how not to treat a DIL.

But you realise this would be unhinged behaviour, surely?

I've never heard of a first shoe fitting being a thing that anyone cares about, and even if you do consider it a milestone of sorts, it's not one that matters in the long or even medium run.

Insisting on treating every mundane first as a Special Milestone and insisting you have to do it is basically foreshadowing the inevitable complaint of having to do everything, the mental load etc etc a few years down the line. If you don't let others help then they will indeed let you do it all.

I’d be annoyed as (maybe because I’m a former kids shoe fitter?) his first shoes were important to me. I wanted to know they’d been probably fit and that they were good quality shoes, and that they were nice! My DH knew that though.

In lots of other ‘firsts’ respects I wouldn’t have been bothered at all.

I had the same feelings when DH took our son for his first haircut and I didn’t know.

maybe silly to be upset but you can’t help how you feel!

It is important to note, Mumsnet truth notwithstanding, that it was not the In laws who committed this particular offence-it was the child’s father and the OP’s significant other. Stop trying to on it on the MIL!!!

I see why you were upset I would have been miffed too. But on the flip side my second I never took for a shoe fitting for their first shoes they insisted on wearing their older sibling shoes which they had grown out of and that was that

I read the post and recalled an incident just before Dds first Christmas when SIL said she was going to buy her a ride-on toy. I told her that I wanted to buy her first ride-on. Was that a thing 35 years ago 😂?

I can’t recall shoes. I would have been annoyed not to go because I would have been thinking about coordinating with outfits she had.

I have been sensitive to “firsts” with my grandchildren. Last year I had to nag one to take baby to the park. I wanted to fill up child minding days with trips to the park. I knew they wanted to take him for his first trip. He lives at the park now!

The habit we have of photographing everything makes the concept of “firsts” so much more memorable.

So I understand the OPs disappointment.

Except they knew it was impoertant as they took photographs and it was a family outing.

Same here. I would have hit the roof with DH when they’d left. In fact I would probably have been so angry I would have taken DS myself the next free day I had, bought new shoes, got the photo etc, binned their photo and put their shoes in a cupboard and only used them as an emergency spare.

I waited and struggled for years to have DC and if anyone had tried to take those firsts away from me I would have exploded. Fortunately my PIL were not thoughtless and inconsiderate.

Can understand that view, it’s genuinely nice that they want to be active in their grandchildren’s lives. I agree they should get to do fun stuff with them.
I suppose the difference is when a parent wants to be involved in something and is able to but doesn’t get the opportunity. Families are all so different which I guess is where situations like this can arise where one person thinks it’s no big deal and another is upset. (If everything was done with the best intentions which sounds likely in this case).

Happy to hear you came to your senses. I would have found it lovely if my dh and Mil had done this. A Milestone is dc's first word, learning to walk etc. And you can't be sure to be there if you're not a sahm.

Having said that- when I'm in a hormonal bad place I have been known to cry because dh forgot to buy frozen peas from the shops so I do understand the hormonal overreaction. I cringe at myself for stuff like this. Then again I don't blow up at people for it (luckily) just cry in my corner (never in front of my children). Dh now knows that this will pass and I will come to my senses.

I would have been annoyed at that stage of my life. The fact that they took photos and lots of them went suggests they knew it was a big mile stone.

My mil did a lot of this sort of thing but its funny because my kids are older now and I see her do it with my young nieces and nephews and ive just come to realise she gets so excited about being grandma she that she forgets about all the other people and can be very insensitive without meaning to be.

I would just use this to set a president that grandma buys all shoes forever. Ive got 4 sets football boots to buy this summer. Sweaty tween boys is a significantly less cute experience!

Maybe, maybe not. I guess that’s why she put the quotations? I think you can move past something in that you’re not dwelling on it every day but it can still bring up mixed feelings or question marks when it comes to mind. It’s not ruining your day but it’s a little niggle or a pondering?
I agree being completely over something in the sense you don’t even think about it is different.

A bit upset YANBU
Devastated YABU

It was one of those moments I had built up in my own head taking my little girl for her own shoe fitting. Almost like a montage of moments as your child grows up and this is one of those moments..

Took her to Clarks and didn't like the shoes as they all seemed hard at the back of the foot so that experience of lovely staff measuring her feet and getting them from there never happened. That little moment where we measure feet, my daughter looks up and smiles and we walk out of the shop hand in hand with lovely new shoes.

Instead we plodded over to another shop,.don't want to say the shops name, but it lets just say it was a big comedown from Clarks. No staff to ask to measure her feet, think i got whizzed over a shoe guide instead by teenager that didn't want to be there! Shop packed in like sardines and by then toddler playing up and in a red mist. Grabbed a niceish looking pair of shoes, tried them on, they fitted and left as quick as we could. Reality nothing like the mini magical moment I had in my head!! Sometimes those beautiful moments happen unplanned and not necessarily a milestone moment. Now daughter is older,.I see it as a bit of a non issue. I never look back and think, aww that was a shame!

Think it’s perfectly usual for mums to want to be involved in all babies “firsts”.

As they grow up you realise this is impossible and eventually stop being so demanding about ime.

in this case I’d have been less annoyed because his own dad took him whilst you worked. I’d have been more annoyed if other family took them without mentioning to me or his dad first.

I would suggest you focus on the fact that your child’s grandparents are generous, kind and trying to be good grandparents. They didn’t try to cheat you out of witnessing one of your child’s milestones -I expect the thought never occurred to them.

Exactly this.
I can imagine when I was in that time of "first child firsts" this would have bothered me but now, years later, I can't actually remember taking my first born for their first shoes - was it just me or me & her dad?

These things seem so important at the time but as time goes on and the important moments (many of which are much more important) increase, they become less so.

First shoes is a real "meh" for me.

I’ll be honest, i would have loved a mil who wanted to be part of my DCs lives, I can count on one hand how many times she visited us in their whole childhood, and for 12 years we lived 30 miles from her, she drives! She’s ex mil now, was pretty rude to me when I saw her at a funeral (my ex had asked me if I wanted to come)

As someone said above I’d have assumed dh knew me and would have thought I’d wanted to be there- if they took a picture they knew it was something important enough. Saying that I’ve done firsts with the kids that dh probably would have liked to be there for and only really thought about it afterwards. I do hope you at least asked did he not think you wanted to be there?