DH and MIL took DS for first shoes fitting without me

I'd not have swallowed that, I'd have been furious. We made this experience into a little 'memory' event for both our children. I'd have gone mad at husband and the in-laws if they'd have dared.

Your husband was there so it was something nice for him to do. If he was at work while you were on maternity, he will have missed lots of firsts im sure.

And I’ve remembered that when DB snd SIL were struggling a bit years ago my DF and DSM sent them money to get DN’s first shoes and a winter coat. They did not take DN out and get the photo etc done - they would never have done that.

It would have made a powerful point.

Overstepping in the way OP’s MIL has done, (but mine would not have done) is not acceptable. If you have struggled for years to get pregnant and then your idiot DH lets his mother take that away from you, then that is rage- inducing in my book, but even if those circumstances do not apply it is still extremely thoughtless and insensitive of those adults to treat the child’s mother in that way. The same would be true of the first haircut or the first steps. If I was babysitting a future DGC and s/he took their first steps I would tell DS and GF that I thought s/he was almost there and let them have the joy of it later. I wouldn’t tell them he’d walked first with me.

I would have made it clear to DH that those shoes were not being worn and if MIL asked why DC was wearing them I would have told her calmly but firmly that no one but me was choosing and buying his first shoes.

you left out wiped their own bum!

There's a near infinite number of firsts in a child's life. The first time they ate broccoli, or wore gloves, or wrote their name, or made their bed. Did you insist on being present for all of them? Did you ensure that the father was also present and had agreed with your plans?

sure, but is it a hill worth dying on…

First shoes is definitely an important moment for some people. My mum is very determined to take my baby for a fitting and pay for the shoes, I think it's a tradition in some areas.

I think it was thoughtless of DH and the inlaws to wait until OP was back at work to all get together and have a special outing with the baby and only share the photos afterwards. It may not have been intentional but it was very poor timing.

I went to buy my child's first shoes while my dh was at work and then had a bit of a panic that he would be annoyed with me for doing it without him, he didn't care luckily.
I think it's one of those things some people are sentimental and some aren't so as long as you don't think it was done with bad intentions I'd let it go.

don't tell me you bronze them?

I think l'd be thrilled because we had a hellish job finding shoes broad enough for our DC 😂

Me too on this one. I’d have been really upset - it was a very long journey to have my one DC and moments like that were very precious. History there too with my ex MIL slamming through reasonable boundaries and my ex DH doing nothing about it.

I love spending time with my children and was glad to be the person to take my children swimming for the first time, on the swings etc. Buying shoes, not so much. I did take them but didn’t think of asking my husband if he wanted to be present. I can’t remember buying my children their first shoes but I imagine they cried a lot- and shoe shopping hadn’t got easier 12 years on so I’d be glad if anyone did it for us!

Of course, OP, as you can see from the replies this is typical Mumsnet and people would be pleased their MIL did them a favour as it saved them a chore 😅😅😅
For a website called MUMsnet, I am always amazed at how few people actually like doing things with their kids. No 'first' is ever important or special etc. Quite weird really.

If it was done simply out of generosity, that's fine (if you overlook the fact that someone might have realised that it possibly could be a thing that mum wanted to be involved in, for whatever reason).
If instigated by MiL in order to deliberately sidestep mum and do something snarky just because, then clearly that'd be out of order. (I haven't addressed DH's role - could/should have made sure mum knew/was involved in advance).

I think first shoes is a milestone, yes. It's not a Clarks thing. I was born early 80s and remember my grandfather painting my first shoes silver (I suppose they had been scuffed). I think that was because he viewed them as something to keep.

Yes OP. I would have been annoyed too. I think you have been very rational about it all and cam recognise MIL has been kind over the years but you were not unreasonable at all to be pissed off. Your DH should have known better. But I do find men can be clueless about things and do need it spelled out for them.

Not that it’s the same band I think if I put down the list of things MIL tried to push on us I would come off sounding ungrateful. One thing I’ll say though from all of it is I disliked her handmade dreamcatcher. Something about hanging this thing that was unraveling and not particularly artistic. I hated how it was at the crib. It’s no longer up there.

DH had a word about the overstepping with other things and she got upset.

I wouldn’t care one bit. My DM took my son for his first haircut without saying anything and I was pleased as it saved me going.

I’d be pissed off with this. Im
still upset that my child’s nursery ( 18years ago) gave him his first solid food without my permission.

I had a friend who got really angry with her DH for taking their DD out for the morning and feeding the ducks for the first time without asking her first. She had form for that kind of thing, like what food DD can try, what clothes she should be dressed in and so on.

Fast forward five years and after successfully training her DH to always check with her first, she then complained about the mental load and why can't he just do things without asking her?

I think the ball was in your dh's court on this. He's the joint parent and if he felt this was an issue he should have said at the time. Not your mils fault, she was just doing a nice thing. When she had told you she wanted to pay for their first shoes maybe at that point you should have just said that that would be lovely but that you'd like to be there too.

It'd funny isn't it the stuff we keep. I found a 'first' pair I'd kept the other day and thought what on earth am I hanging on to these for!

Wouldn't bother me but we're all different and totally understandable to feel miffed.

Why did your dh go along with it, why didn't he speak up and say 'no no think dw would like to be involved'?

That would have been a big thing for me @hairfryer and I would have been really upset too.

First shoes are (or were) a really bad thing in my family to the point of getting the first shoes silver plated!😅 My sisters and I have not carried down that particular tradition, but we have all definitely saved our DC's first shoes. Choosing them was very important.

Maybe if your second child hasn’t been fitted for their first shoes yet make a point of saying you would like to go this time so your husband knows.