For asking for help to deal with this endless grief of growing up neglected

I recommend you read Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel.
Don't know if it will help but it might.

In addition to NHS talking therapy and resources previously suggested I thoroughly recommend Dr Gabor Maté, I came across him on instagram/ podcasts.

It’s wonderful when you can finally let go, find true peace and become able to focus on your children, grandchildren and friends who love you as you are, alongside protecting your own wellbeing. There’s no point giving your trying to pacify a narcissist who never cared about you and will never be satisfied. It only took me 60 years to learn that!!

Good luck!

That's ok, I hope it helps 🙂
It might at least help you make sense of the issues you have with friendships. Friends can never give you enough because you need them to fill the void, ie satisfy the mother hunger. And they can't. And then you feel rejected and abandoned all over again as you did when you were a child by your parents. That's how it feels to me anyway.

I hope it helps you heal. It's a lot to ask of one book. But maybe it can play a small part.
I know what you mean btw about the endless sadness. I find I can drift for a while, not ask for anything, let it be in the past, and all of a sudden it's all there - all the shit I just want to be able to forget.
Good luck 🙂

I hear you OP. In my experience and the way I deal with it is by acknowledging that I didnt have any choice as a child but as an adult I do have a choice and I choose to exercise it intentionally. I choose no contact with my parents and I choose to accept their way of being. Finally I choose to heal by steadfastly avoiding the mistakes they made with my own children.

My parents are a little different to yours. They don't feel they did anything wrong - that as an adult I should behave as instructed- to be seen not heard.

I grew up in a house where alcoholism, domestic violence, an emotionally unstable/unavailable mother who tried to commit suicide several times, a violent and angry father all contributed to what I would consider a traumatic childhood. Because I was fed, clothed, schooled and the world saw little of that, they dont see a problem. It was just the way it was back then. My father hit me in anger and my mother was often drunk and hideously disregulated. I was also autistic and had ADHD (diagnosed later in life) - so that poor little girl was just doomed.

I choose now to see past it and when I feel myself slipping backwards, I do what I would tell my own children to do, if they were in any sort of similar situation. I say out loud - reflecting on this to the point it makes you sad is not useful and it takes away your choice to live a better life. It does not always work - but mostly it breaks the cycle of intrusive thoughts enough for me to focus elsewhere.

My perspective is that excessive introspection is often a quagmire that isnt useful.

Just to add OP - I am so sorry that it is so hard, your particular point in time - where your Mum is nearing the end of life.

This must be very hard and I hope you manage to find a way to work through that works for you.

It makes me angry when my mother brags about my achievements as they are in spite of her rather than because of her.

Op I wish there was a way to let go of the feelings my childhood has left me with. It’s so hard isn’t it?
I try to tell myself that so many people have such traumatic childhoods that mine doesn’t compare and I should be grateful that that I had a home,food and stability (sort of)
There was some physical abuse, smacking, hair pulling etc but the emotional neglect is what hurts the most. I wanted a Mum who would listen to me instead I felt invisible. She had no interest in anything I did or said which has affected my self confidence to this day.
No physical affection either.She has never once said I love you.
My dh said he was worried before we had kids that I might struggle showing affection and love to them due to my childhood but as soon as I had dd and later ds I tried to give them all the love, attention and support I could.
i wish my childhood had been better.
I don’t feel like this all the time just every now and again. I sometimes wonder whether counselling would help?

Ah OP I wish I could say something helpful. All I will say is good for you for making something out of such a crap start. You should be proud of yourself for having the enormous strength that you have.

I don't think you ever completely get over a neglectful childhood or that the sorrow leaves you. But carrying scars is a part of life and it doesn't mean you are broken and need fixing. You sound pretty okay to me.

The season of seeing our parents age and ultimately losing them is obviously a hard transition for everyone but it lands differently when they have been neglectful. Maybe time for another stint with a therapist.

becoming a parent after having an abusive childhood is very painful, can highlight everything that you didn’t have. It’s grief , a good therapist can make a big difference. Private is expensive but the quickest option or have a Google for local charities and get on their waiting lists as they tend to be long. Your GP may also be able to point you in the right direction.

I would try Radical Acceptance. That way when the thoughts come up you embrace them and don't fight them, let yourself feel them for a bit and then make yourself focus on something else. That thought wants to be heard so let it. Then let it go. Thich Nah Han has a great you tube video called 'managing strong emotions'.

As for the relationships, it sounds like you have a history of somewhat volatile and transient friendships, how have your romantic relationships been, are they rocky or generally stable? You kind of sound like you could have a disorganised attachment style. In answer to your question no it's not really normal to not have at least 1 or 2 enduring friendships, most people do.

You don't have to be perfect, to be worth it ❤

The desire for the love and a family that isn't forthcoming is the basis of your grief. Wanting something and not getting it. What happens if you stop wanting familial consistency from your parents and go about creating a happy family life for you and your own family. It was a lesson not a life sentence. Would you neglect your kids because of your upbringing? Or do you go above and beyond?

sistemic coaching

I lugged 40 years of unending ACE grief around like an horrible flappy albatross around my neck.

My ADHD coach is also trained in sistemic coaching and offered a single session to see if might help. It sounded VERY woo woo and it’s only because she’s very grounded, effective and incredibly kind that I was prepared to give “weird shit” a go.

So I had a few sessions with “homework” about 2 years ago. All on zoom, because we live very far away from each ther.

It’s all gone. I put down the burden that was never mine to carry.

And all without having to re traumatise myself by talking about the gory details.

I’m not convinced it would have been as effective with any other practitioner, because I am not exactly the world’s most trusting person. But she managed to be warm, kind and calming with a gentleness that was absolutely necessary to get me to lower my shields just a smidge and let her help me.

She’s by far the best thing that’s ever happened to my ADHD, but the massive cherry on top was releasing me from the prison of pain from my earlier years, and being given back the chance to be person I always supposed to be.

Hi @FOrkgivness , I have CPTSD and/or developmental trauma.

Compassionate Inquiry (Gabor Maté) and Internal Family Systems were both of huge help to me. I have also benefited from a deeper practice in yoga therapy, there is a list of approved practitioners on the CNHC website. In particular, loving-kindness or metta meditation was powerful. You want someone to support you who knows what they’re doing, though, to avoid retraumatising you- yoga therapy isn’t a protected title so do use the register to find someone if you decide to go this route.

All of these try to move you towards feeling the feelings and moving through, rather than avoiding them, and IME that’s the only way to get past them. Other counselling, and CBT, weren’t useful to me.

My spirals are much fewer and further between now and I’m more able to hold healthy boundaries. Even my eating has improved! It is an ongoing process though, with setbacks. I don’t think there’s a miracle cure.

My parents were desperate for me not to achieve anything as they wanted me to stay dependent. They did their best to stop me and anything I did achieve was played down. To be honest, I didn't achieve very much. I had a full time job from birth which was being the mascot in a dysfunctional family so I didn't much left in the tank for a career of any consequence. All I ever really wanted to do was escape by whatever means, drink, drugs, extreme sports, distance. Anything to block out and escape the pain. It has its benefits. I can't imagine I'll be in the least bit bothered when they die!

I sympathise completely.

I had a very cold, unloving, abusive and neglectful childhood. One parent is dead now, which offered some closure.

What has really helped me is drawing a line under it, realising how I was treated does not actually define me at all. It's not the truth of who I am - I get to decide that now.

I feel compassion for my younger self, recognise that I deserved so much better, but as an adult I see the context of why they were awful and have forgiven them wholeheartedly.

Now we're adults ourselves, it's important to keep moving forward positively, to give yourself what you need rather than thinking about what you didn't have, and you'll become far more 'whole' and confident.

It's vital to not ruminate otherwise you almost re-traumatise yourself and risk deepening a victim mentality.

I'm flourishing with family, wonderful friendships and sense of community since I decided to just... let it go.

The trauma of what I went through was given to me, not of my making, and letting it go (in my mind, I gave it 'back' to my parents, like an unwanted gift) has been life changing.