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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be hurt by my husbands actions even though his son is sick?

236 replies

Khakiqueen1 · 25/07/2026 15:53

I’ve tried to talk to family about this but everyone says I’m just being selfish and thinking about myself before others.

Myself 29 female and my husband 35 male have being married for just under a year. Our anniversary is the end of July. My DH was married previously and that marriage broke down 5 years ago. He and his ex had 1 child a son aged 8 and me and my husband have no children currently.

My DSS was diagnosed with leukaemia 6 months ago and we’ve done everything to support. His ex doesn’t drive so my husband has taken on driving her around, doing her shopping and taking her to work. I don’t mind this as I understand she needs to be at the hospital quickly and is not doing well to be getting the bus everywhere. I selfishly though was getting very jealous and had a huge argument with my husband last week. During the argument he admitted they slept together shortly after the diagnosis and then again about a month ago but that’s it. He said he regrets it but I don’t have children so cannot understand his pain like she can.

I have told him I don’t want him around her anymore and don’t want him doing jobs for her but he and both our families are saying I’m being selfish.

I understand that his son is very poorly but I feel hurt and betrayed by my husband.

AIBU to request he stays away from her?

OP posts:
ClayPotaLot · 26/07/2026 07:15

NewDogOwner · 25/07/2026 21:13

You can't ask him not to see the mother of his sick child. They are bonded together and this trauma will only bond them further and that might be exactly what his child needs - as long as is isn't preying on her need for cuddles and support and taking advantage of her.

What you can - and I would suggest must do - is graciously bow out of the situation and leave them to it. That kids needs both parents, they need each other for support (and are clearly still enmeshed), and you deserve better.

I'm so sorry OP. You need to be the bigger person.

^^ This

maxslice · 26/07/2026 07:06

How can he possibly stay away from her, that’s their CHILD? I am a second wife also. Sex ONE TIME after the diagnosis could be forgivable. More than that is a big NO. You are in a tough place trying to support him through his child’s serious illness and dealing with his ex. He needs to stop that nonsense right now. He has no right to just do whatever the hell he wants just because his daughter is sick. That’s smarmy and manipulative. He and the ex can commiserate without getting physical.

knottybiscotti · 26/07/2026 06:07

100% leave, as fast as you can.

Mulledjuice · 26/07/2026 06:07

Khakiqueen1 · 25/07/2026 16:00

Thank you. I wanted to leave him but my mum was trying to convince me the correct thing to do was to stay. I feel much happier now that I’m making the correct choice.

Does she know he cheated?

dh280125 · 26/07/2026 06:03

Whatever the circumstances he’s a cheater. You don’t deserve that. Dump him, he can go to her until you divide your things.

Besidemyselfwithworry · 25/07/2026 23:40

Bridgertonisbest · 25/07/2026 15:55

Forget it, your marriage is over. He's cheated on you, twice with his ex wife.

Exactly this
leave
do not have children with this man
he clearly still loves his first wife
have some respect for yourself as he clearly doesn’t have any for you

MermaidMummy06 · 25/07/2026 23:38

Khakiqueen1 · 25/07/2026 16:00

Thank you. I wanted to leave him but my mum was trying to convince me the correct thing to do was to stay. I feel much happier now that I’m making the correct choice.

My DM would say this. 'Don't rock the boat' was the mantra I grew up with, even when I was being bullied at work and by my IL's. Told to put up with it & just smile.

Now I tell her 'Don't worry, I won't rock the boat. I'll sink it'.

So leave. Be happy.

cocog · 25/07/2026 23:00

Just leave him the marriage is over. It’s already a repeated cycle it won’t be the last time either.

Maddy70 · 25/07/2026 22:39

Leave him

InfoSecInTheCity · 25/07/2026 22:36

Khakiqueen1 · 25/07/2026 16:00

Thank you. I wanted to leave him but my mum was trying to convince me the correct thing to do was to stay. I feel much happier now that I’m making the correct choice.

He cheated, that would be it for me. His son being il does not justify him having sex with his ex, nothing justifies him having sex with his ex. He’s done it twice that he’s admitted to, I couldn’t trust him ever again and without trust what’s the point?

andthat · 25/07/2026 22:32

Khakiqueen1 · 25/07/2026 16:00

Thank you. I wanted to leave him but my mum was trying to convince me the correct thing to do was to stay. I feel much happier now that I’m making the correct choice.

Why on earth would you accept this shoddy treatment @Khakiqueen1?

He is using his son’s cancer diagnosis to excuse infidelity. That’s disgraceful.

And anyone telling you to overlook this is batshit.

Coco1379 · 25/07/2026 22:27

I think this is his second marriage at an end. He will never not have the connection with his ex because of the child. Cheated on you twice in your short marriage how will you ever trust him - get gone.

HumberSquid · 25/07/2026 21:16

He cant possibly stay away from her atm and you cant possibly be expected to tolerate his cheating. I am so very sorry that this has happened to you.

NewDogOwner · 25/07/2026 21:15

Look up trauma bonding.

NewDogOwner · 25/07/2026 21:13

You can't ask him not to see the mother of his sick child. They are bonded together and this trauma will only bond them further and that might be exactly what his child needs - as long as is isn't preying on her need for cuddles and support and taking advantage of her.

What you can - and I would suggest must do - is graciously bow out of the situation and leave them to it. That kids needs both parents, they need each other for support (and are clearly still enmeshed), and you deserve better.

I'm so sorry OP. You need to be the bigger person.

Chocoholic27 · 25/07/2026 20:52

Leave. He needs to be near the mum of his sick child and he has cheated on you.

JHound · 25/07/2026 20:04

Khakiqueen1 · 25/07/2026 16:00

Thank you. I wanted to leave him but my mum was trying to convince me the correct thing to do was to stay. I feel much happier now that I’m making the correct choice.

Does she know he is shagging his ex?

JHound · 25/07/2026 20:02

Your husband and your families are insane. He cheated on you TWICE. And they think you are being unreasonable. This marriage would be dead to me. Cheating twice and it’s only been a year. I would not be having children with this man.

BIossomtoes · 25/07/2026 19:58

You’re being unreasonable not to kick him out.

Heretohelp1111 · 25/07/2026 19:47

His family and your family all sound enablers who will allow this man to treat you like shit and ask that set yourself on fire to keep him warm. You must advocate for yourself. He made a choice to break your vows and there are consequences for that choice.

OhcantthInkofaname · 25/07/2026 19:16

I'll simply say what other's have not: your marriage is over. If I was your mom that's what I would tell you.

Hankunamatata · 25/07/2026 19:04

Its less selfish asking him to leave than asking he stays away from her.

You tell everyone he cheated and its clear he needs to focus on his son and its best he stays somewhere else so he can give that attention.

MMUmum · 25/07/2026 18:45

Khakiqueen1 · 25/07/2026 16:00

Thank you. I wanted to leave him but my mum was trying to convince me the correct thing to do was to stay. I feel much happier now that I’m making the correct choice.

Leave them to it, awful situation for everyone involved, but how can you trust him not to cheat again in a crisis

TheJuryIsOut · 25/07/2026 18:41

They are disgusting, they slept with each other shortly after diagnosis, who was with their very poorly child while they were fucking?!

There is absolutely no excuse for this.

Fourlittlepiggies · 25/07/2026 18:40

Leave. As a former parent of a very sick child (who didn’t survive), there is a unique bond parents of that child share, whether they are together or separated. The fact he’s cheated on you twice is reason enough to leave.