AIBU to think upper middle class professionals downplay how much they game education?

And this was at grammar school was it? The school is to blame?

I was also top of the class in most subjects. I did A levels in the days when very few people did A levels. I wasn't a nervous wreck. My validation didn't rely on academic success. I was happy in my own skin. I wasn't hounded to continuously perform. I was a bit naughty, but that's another story.

I suggest that your anxiety is caused by your personality/family background. It is more likely that your parents were pressurising you to perform, rather than the school. Ive met dozens of those anxious pushy parents. Including one who had hysterics because her 6 year old wasn't exceeding expectations in art. She requested an interview with the teacher to complain that her daughter was only average in art.

You have not confirmed that you went to a grammar school. I suggest that you would be an anxious perfectionist wherever you were educated.

Didn't know they had the grammar system in Southern Ireland. I'm not sure how it works in the North, but I bet religion is a factor.

All of my Irish relatives were privately educated. Some at Convent schools.

I would imagine that certain areas of Dublin have kids who are disengaged with education. The issue is that parents dont want their kids going to school with highly disruptive, disengaged kids.

I once knew someone who went to The Artain. He was very poorly educated.

I answered the question but seeing the replies I see I didn’t really understand the context because I live in Ireland.

The whole grammar system is a bit wild and seems very unfair. Also the difference between private schools and ordinary schools isn’t as pronounced here.

The difference here is that you can apply to any school you want, so parents living in “up and coming areas” in Dublin will often apply to many schools outside of their area: which means areas will become popular and house prices will rise but schools will remain with a disadvantaged majority.

Generally outside of Dublin there is less choice but the same thing happens on a lesser scale.

Personally I would prefer a mixed cohort of students in a school, I think schools need to work harder to attract a socio economic mix. Mainly by showing ambitious middle class parents that their children could do well exam wise in the school. This benefits everyone in the school.

But as it stands I simply applied to 20 schools in better areas, that get better results in the hope that we would land one.

100%

Do you live in or around Islington? All the rage there

At least with the right wing, gauche, new money lot, its all out in the open

My experience is high levels of depression due to the pressures and high expectations and the feeling that your worth is solely based in academic performance. I say this as someone who was consistently top of the class.....it becomes your identity and it's a dangerous place to be

My husband was the same, @SadiraOfTyr and he went all the way to Cambridge (although this was very unusual, so unusual that the headteacher drove him to his interview).

Here on the London/Kent borders, things are much more complicated, what with all the academy trusts, volatile population growth and I suspect the LAs round here have been happy to let a small but significant of the often quite monied residents pay for their own private education and certainly a lot of people have paid for SEND. My own borough was "exporting" 20% of its EHCP students, on their own figures.

Easier to plan for places in schools when the situation is stable.

We moved out of London when our eldest was a toddler, around half of our parent friends did the same and moved back to/near their home towns. It wasn't just schools...there was also wanting more space and wanting to be near parents for childcare but schools were a part of it.

We just sent DC to the local school - we are rural so there isn’t really any choice unless you go private, which really isn’t an option for most as the local private school fees are £30k per annum. We are lucky that the sixth form college is very good (no state school sixth forms here). We are locals going back many, many generations so didn’t move here for the schools or anything - I don’t know anyone who has ever upped sticks for schools, work yes, but it seems a bit OTT just for schools.

I would say we are probably middle class - university educated with decent jobs and household income comfortably into six figures with no mortgage.

I should imagine that the posh twats will be friends for life with the PP’s kids. They’ll all - kids and ‘posh’ friends together - turn up to the mum’s house and snigger at her raging over dinner about Harold Macmillan, grouse moors and the iniquity of the hereditary peers.

In what way is he going to "stick it to the posh twats"

I feel so sorry for the posh twats. Here they are, living in blissful ignorance looking forward to taking up their place at Cambridge, with no idea what is in store for them.
However, they’ll find out soon enough once they get there and they will be terrified.

And your experience of the grammar school system is...?

In what way is he going to "stick it to the posh twats"??
I don't think he's going to have many friends.
One thing that state schools don't teach is confidence and social skills. It seems the teacher in question hasn't even taught her child about equality and diversity. Did she skip that training day and go shopping instead?

Disagree.

The "posh twats"? Good to see he's going with an open mind 🙄 And can the "posh twats" "stick it" to your child as well then?

Its not gaming system its the oarents being disingenuous. Because noone ever want to disclose the effort or advantages theyve given their kids. They want it to look like the kid was just clever.

However the biggest advantage you can give as a dr is your inheritable intelligence. ..
Our village school has loads of drs kids in each year group. Unsurprisi gly the kids get exceeding in most subjects. But because of that the teachers cannot see the just exceeding kids and they downplay those other kids.

Overall the parents are spending loads on sports clubs (where most of the kids arent any good at sport but those that are are then better than the kods at school just doing school lessons. So presumably tutoring from a young age. As several kids then moved at 9 private.

But a big problem with choosing secondary is the data only shows grades 4 or 5 really, so what if you hope your kids get 6-9?

I certainly wouldnt have chosen a secondary which we have which hasnt returned 1 marked homework in 3 years (aside from marking tests). Overall state feels like lack of interest in getting your kid higher than the basic pass. Even of thet were bright.
And ours also screws them over in things like forcing particular gcse choices etc.

But also the data re sats and gcse is for all school misleading because an unknown % will be tutored. Includong some by family, siblings etc

He's fully ready to stick it to the posh twats when he gets there.

Wow. @JJWT you obviously approve of this and you say you are a teacher. If there is a ‘posh twat’ in your class, do you ‘stick it’ to them?
How will your ds know? As app said, plenty of state educated students speak with a RP accent.
Maybe he’ll have a printed out survey which every student he meets must fill in and then depending on the answers he’ll decide whether he’s going to ‘stick it’ to them.

It’s not, you know. It’s anxious, aspirational parenting from people who are terrified their child won’t be able to hack it out in the world. You could calm down about it all, recognise that schools are much of a muchness unless your child has needs that can’t be met in a mainstream setting, stop faking Catholicism, tutoring etc, do a good job of raising your child, and just let your child find their level. That would also be ‘parenting’.

HollyhocksandPeons · 25/07/2026 11:46
Sorry, no names named, but for a few years now, certain hard-working privileged children did not even apply to a certain university for medicine and law, because this university counted private school education against them, using a special questionnaire to bump up UCAS points. For example, the following questions were used for grading:
are you LGBTQ+
are you from one of the following deprivation index postcode?
is English not your first language
Are you from a household where parents are migrants/asylum seekers
Are you a migrant or asylum seeker
Are you care experienced
Household income

That’s interesting. Presumably the university in question had no way of proving if the candidate was LGBTQ or not. Did they check up on whether the other questions were being answered truthfully?

I don't see this as contradictory; surely you can let your DC make their own choices etc whilst also ensuring they are in the best educational environment and have the right support to make those choices? Like if I move house to make sure my kids can go to a v good school, I can then allow them to make their own choices as to which subjects they choose etc.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/07/2026 09:47
You’re right OP. And it’s not going to get better whilst private education exists, as even those who choose a comp will try to give their kids advantages if they can to bridge that gap.

If private education was abolished, would parents still not try to give their kids advantages?

I think it's the way that only x% of pupils will get a A*, then y% will get A, etc, as the system is designed for a certain percentage of people to get each grade, so the "standard" can change from one cohort to another. Hence why it's all a competition to be better than your peer group to get the top grades.

But, sadly, life is exactly the same. It's always the "best" person who gets the better jobs etc. So I suppose you could say that schools just mirror the reality of adult life where everything is a competition.

OP says - " Not that it really matters, but I am much much richer than the average gp or consultant."

This sounds like that Harry Enfield sketch - "I am much much richer than yoooow..."

It obviously does matter to her. A lot!

Also "ultra high earner" .... cringe!

I’m also against the massive competitive aspect of most schools, which tells children that they only do well if somebody else doesn’t do well

@HoppityBun sorry, I don’t understand what this means.

I dunno. I think most parents do their best for their kids? If I could afford private I’d send my kids to Dulwich or St Paul’s or wherever. As it is I’ve been front and centre at Mass for the last 14 years so the kids go to the best catholic schools in the country.
Most parents I know tie themselves in knots to get their kids into the best school they can, as well as forking out for tutors/tennis lessons/trips abroad to learn a language. It’s not gaming the system, it’s parenting.

Nail on the head as regards the two state grammars in our nearest city. Their "catchment" area is huge, far beyond the catchment of the comps in the same city, and extends to two different cities and several towns, some of which are in a different county. The numbers attending from within the city itself, i.e. the catchment area of the other comps is quite small - more pupils attend from outside the catchment area.