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Original poster

AIBU to think upper middle class professionals downplay how much they game education?

484 replies

MyCyanAnt · 25/07/2026 07:51

I can’t be the only one who has noticed this. I went to genuinely average comprehensive schools and had parents who just dgaf like most in UK. I went to medical school where it seemed like this upbringing put you in a small minority, now an ultra high earner from own business but still do part time work as a GP. DC are 12 and 14.

Whenever the topic of education comes up with other doctors/professionals they will say stuff like it’s the child not the school who determines the outcome, we’re not pushing DC, we’re letting DC pick their school etc

However when it comes down to it none of them ever put their money where their mouth is. It won’t always be Eton but it will almost always be either a private, grammar or high performing comp in expensive catchment area instead of a genuinely average comp.

It’s a similar story with paying for tutors and other parents DC being interested in prestigious but completely unrelated careers e.g. Doctor or investment banking who have obviously been guided by parents.

I do the same but I feel like I’m an outlier in that I don’t lie about it, I’m obviously paying/gaming things so DC are much more likely to get a top job. I don’t see what’s wrong with admitting it yet it’s such a sensitive subject with some.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyCyanAnt · 25/07/2026 08:07

BlackberrySky · 25/07/2026 07:58

I think mainly what you're saying is that people often don't recognise their own privilege, which I agree with. I live in this type of world too, and I'd say people are just doing what's considered normal in their social and familial circles so they don't view it out of the ordinary.

But on the flip side, I think most people who have the means and opportunities would do the same. Nobody deliberately chooses an interior school or witholds additional support if they have the option not to.

I think sometimes they don’t recognise it but more often it’s pure denial. As if it reflects badly on them or DC.

I think most UK parents will just send their DC to the closest school or let their kids truly decide which will normally be the one their friends go to. They might encourage them to do well at school with no real expectations or guidance. It’s just not a priority for most Brits, even those who are loving/good parents overall.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 25/07/2026 08:07

MyCyanAnt · 25/07/2026 08:01

Yes, but it is very contradictory to what they claim. We’re letting DC make their own choices, DC will succeed anywhere, we’re letting DC find their own way etc.

Show quote history

I don’t hear people saying these sanctimonious things, but then I tend to hang with people I like. If you want the debate, call them on it. Don’t turn it into some widespread phenomenon so you can be gleefully superior. Most parents are doing their best don’t you think?

Seagulldancing · 25/07/2026 08:04

Its how they grew up, so its totally normal to them. Music lessons, a tutor, private school arent seen as gaming the system.
I bet none of them have a hairdresser or car repairer sibling, but maybe have a pilot or civil engineer. And thats what they mean about "finding their own way".

pinkdelight · 25/07/2026 08:04

Agree with pp. it’s not gaming. Getting your DC a tutor if they need help is hardly a bad thing and you’re talking about parents ‘obviously guiding their children’ like it’s some nefarious plot. The system is navigated by parents. Do you really think it should be played like pin the tail on the donkey with zero thought about where DC go or where they might do okay?

Just wait till you get to HE stage and wind up paying thousands/getting into £££ debt for a degree that may or may well not be worth it, and then tell me if you think it was wise to not give any thought or support to their earlier education. We all have to fill in the primary / secondary / 6th form preference lists. Are you suggesting we just pull names out of a hat?? Course not. Parental involvement in kids’s education is a big factor and the problem is when it doesn’t happen, not when it does.

Original poster
MyCyanAnt · 25/07/2026 08:01

Fluffyholeysocks · 25/07/2026 07:58

In what way are they 'gaming' education? Aren't they doing the best for their DC and giving them the best education they can?

Yes, but it is very contradictory to what they claim. We’re letting DC make their own choices, DC will succeed anywhere, we’re letting DC find their own way etc.

OP posts:
makemineadecaf · 25/07/2026 08:00

My kids are at private school and have been since they were 4. I’m not “gaming” it in the slightest; it’s just our preference. Dd1 is about to start at the school’s sixth form. We went with her to look at and apply to other state options for alevels but was happiest at idea of staying with where she knows. Why does it have to be a game? Why can’t it be parent choice? It’s not like we hide where she goes!

BlackberrySky · 25/07/2026 07:58

I think mainly what you're saying is that people often don't recognise their own privilege, which I agree with. I live in this type of world too, and I'd say people are just doing what's considered normal in their social and familial circles so they don't view it out of the ordinary.

But on the flip side, I think most people who have the means and opportunities would do the same. Nobody deliberately chooses an interior school or witholds additional support if they have the option not to.

Fluffyholeysocks · 25/07/2026 07:58

In what way are they 'gaming' education? Aren't they doing the best for their DC and giving them the best education they can?

Melarus · 25/07/2026 07:56

How is sending your child to the best school you can manage "gaming the system"?

That IS the system!