To let my niece stay when she refuses to see her mum?

Apart from anything else, if your neice needs a calm environment in which to study before her next academic year, she is not going to get it in a home with a new baby. She would end up being a default babysitter at a time when she should be studying, enjoying uni life, and as you mention earning some cash. She might not have needed to work if her mother hadn't decided to effectively replace her. For these reasons I would let her stay. Your sister has made her bed, let her lie in it.

I say this as someone who has a 22 yr age gap with their younger sibling after their parent met a shiny new partner. I get it. You don’t want to spend your twenties cooing over a baby that you’re supposed to be besotted over, it’s meant to be a time for fun and living. It’s also really hard that everything is completely taken over by this new baby and the new partner who has a lot of control over what was once yours. My situation sounds very similar to your niece and I totally get her feelings here and why she doesn’t want to be involved. In particular, whenever I saw my parent and the new baby, I was effectively expected to babysit so they could have space or fun on their own, everything in the house revolved around that. Perhaps it’s similar for her? It’s also really hard because what exactly do a 20 year old and a baby have in common? If she doesn’t want to play baby games etc then what is she to do? All I can say is that this may change as they grow and the baby becomes more of their own person, but that her relationship with her parent is likely changed forever.

i think it says a lot about your sister that she wants you to cut her off or force her back, that’s absolutely not the play. She should be wanting to show your niece support and kindness and show that it’s still her home too, even if she doesn’t feel it right now, etc.

Fwiw I think you’re doing the right thing by letting her stay with you and I don’t think you should push things too much as that will only push her the other way into never coming anywhere near home.

She’s a young adult finding her way in the world and she’s entitled to make these decisions if she wants to. What she needs is support from family who won’t judge or try to force her into anything

You are the DA I needed growing up. My DM didn't do what your DSis did but she constantly put her affair partners and then her bfs first and then wondered why I limited contact and eventually went NC.

Your DN needs you just in case things go wrong and she clearly likes being with you.

Your DSis sounds like she now wants to get your DN to bond with the baby but it's not very realistic.

It’s probably a good thing you have your niece with you as it keeps contact and the chance of communication open.

I met my partner (now DH) when his children were 19 and 11. The 11 year old was fine. The older one, who was at university and did not live in the same country was unpleasant and rude. I had nothing to do with his divorce that took place over a decade beforehand.
My husband paid for his older child’s university, just as we will now pay for his younger child’s university. We have had a child together since and his oldest child is still distant, sneering and selfish. It does not matter I had nothing to do with the divorce - my mere existence upsets them. Too bad. We live with it. My husband is entitled to a life while he has loved, supported and been there unconditionally for his children. They will grow up and learn this. Let’s hope the OP’s sister in this does support her child at university, you have to make time for all your children.

Your sister got her priorities completely wrong! It's natural for a child to feel left out when their parent meets someone new, but that parent should do everything possible to make sure the child isn't left out, by spending quality time alone with them and putting their feelings first. She didn't do that, and it's understandable that your niece felt totally disrespected by her own mum. Your niece is lucky to have you, your sister will just have to get used to the situation, you reap what you sow.

I think that given your DNiece is an adult it's fine to have your own separate relationship with her. You don't need her mother's permission to have her stay or to keep her informed.

I'm sorry but I agree with PP, a half sibling 20 years younger than you isn't comparable to a sibling that you've grown up with. I think that you often can't have everything you want and this girl's mum had to make the decision between starting a new family and maintaining good relations with her older child because having both was never an option.

No he didn’t. He moved in 3 years ago and they were together 15 months before that. It was the first man the mother introduced to DD despite having had other secret relationships.

She fell for this man hard, he fell hard too and he paid for IVF.

Maybe mam deserves love too.

I don’t agree with her not cutting out special time to spend with DD, taken on an extra job to save for her uni but finding a loving relationship is not the problem.

Nor do I agree with moving a new partner in within a year or 3 years from leaving the previous relationship. This lady stayed single for 9 years.

Very good post.

The niece and baby aren’t going to be siblings. They aren’t going to grow up together. They will have no shared experiences.

Agree with this.

I think you should let her stay. She’s family, fits in well with your home life, is respectful, earns her own money. You’re the family she has left in life.

I would also want to check that nothing inappropriate happened to your niece while the new partner was living there with her. Some kids bottle this stuff up & it gets expressed in different ways.

Saying a half or step sibling isn't a proper sibling

What is disgusting? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Your sister is upset that her daughter wants nothing to do with her. That's fine, very normal reaction. However a good mother would want the best for her daughter no matter what difficulties existed in their mother-daughter relationship. It is in your niece's best interests to maintain as many positive family relationships as possible. Your relationship with your niece is a positive factor in her life. A good mother would want that to continue. Your sister however is envious of your relationship and that envy is causing her to want to cause harm to her daughter by isolating her from family. Your sister lacks emotional intelligence.

Plenty of parents move on within a year, moving a man in and having a few children, in terms of single parents who are still looking for love, I think her DM was fair.

Yes and it generally works out really well for the older siblings for their parent to bounce from one relationship to another.

The new bf practically moved in within weeks. It was a shitty thing to do.

I’m in the middle of this one. We’ve all known women who prioritise a new partner over their child and that is very wrong. However, the niece was 19 and at uni when she decided her mum shouldn’t be allowed to have a baby and that is completely out of order.

OP, I’d obviously let your niece stay but be very wary of siding too much with her. There are aspects where she’s being reasonable and parts where she really isn’t. I’d encourage her to realise that adults are flawed too, and very few (if any) of us have perfect parents.

I think thats so disgusting.

Your sister has been very foolish, OP. What ever was she thinking moving a new man into her home while her daughter was doing her A levels?

Any decent man would have understood that the relationship had to be taken slowly until the daughter went to Uni.
I think niece did very well to get the grades she needed to go to Uni, with all the added stress of having an unfamiliar man living in her home
Of course you should have a separate relationship with DN, which is nothing to do with DSis. DSis is vvu to ask you not to do so. Hopefully in time, both their attitudes will soften and things will calm down but it's not your job to push them together.

It is a half sibling with 20 years between them.
There is no reason for them to be close.

So your Dsis had relationships when DD was younger, 7 to 15 and never introduced any of these men, she waited until DD was 16 to move her partner in after 15 months, it wasn’t not the best decision but it was far from the worst decision.

Plenty of parents move on within a year, moving a man in and having a few children, in terms of single parents who are still looking for love, I think her DM was fair.

Why has she no money to support DD if she is a high achieving person? Has she had a job over the years? Can she access credit? Who pays for uni ATM I don’t understand that part.

My relationship with my mum broke down some 12/13 years ago, I’m now in my 50s. At the time my DS was like 7 or 8.

my aunt invited us up to theirs for Boxing Day every year since then, it’s been an absolute pleasure and privilege to be included in their family and I’ve grown closer to my cousins potentially than I am with my sibling.

your niece needs some family, and by the sounds of it, she was never happy with this bloke being inserted into her life and now a baby has been brought into it all, no wonder she wants distance. I think you’re only scratching the surface @ShadowShapes with the problems under that roof.

be there for her, you’re a godsend

It’s a half sibling if you want to be pedantic.

With a 20 year age gap though it’s never going to be a proper sibling and it’s weird to suggest the niece has to see the baby because of ‘blood’

But then the niece would have stayed at her Uni house.

How would this have helped. She’s been let down by her mother. She doesn’t need her aunt to let her down too

Of course its her nieces sibling that is the most ridiculous sentence I've ever read