To be pissed off DS broke my trust and I need to tell the girls mum?

You were mad (and very naive) to allow a sleepover.

But why on earth did the girl’s parents let her go?!

Assuming they knew she was at your house of course…..

Except it IS about whether you should allow sleep overs!

Pretend all you like but that's ultimately your problem and if you tell the girls parents, you are going to have to explain yourself on this.

You think this is normal and ok. THAT'S the problem.

Hi OP,

I am not sure if you are still reading after 5 pages of Mumsnet outrage.
I think you sound like a great mum (puts hard hat on). It is generally a good idea to trust your kids and keep lines of communication open.
I do think you were being a little naive though. At this age I would give both of them a different room, not to avoid sex at all costs (two determined 13-year-olds will find a way), but to give both of them privacy even if they don't ask for it.
About your question: look underage sex is not ideal, but it does happen. You provided a situation where it was maybe a little too easy for them.
At this age separate bedrooms and the clear expectation that you might pop in for laundry or a plate of snacks (and forget to close the door).
If your son (and the girl) had sex, it really is not something to be angry about. You dropped a lit match next to some dried twigs, said I trust you and walked away.
It is possible that your son is telling the truth. They might not be interested in sex yet. Their friendship might be purely platonic, but if they did there is no taking it back. They used condoms so hopefully there will not be any consequences.
I wouldn't talk to the girl's parents. You don't know what her home life is like and as you can see from this thread and your own reaction, the idea of their child having sex can lead people to become very emotional.

The post might not be about sleep overs but seriously OP it’s bound to get mentioned!

Kids do and will get up to all sorts of stuff as part of growing up, and no, they won’t tell you everything no matter how open you think you are. But you’re making it ridiculously easy for children to have sex and I can’t believe you think this is appropriate at all.

Sorry Op, but I think there are little to no parental boundaries in place & the more I think about it the more I wonder if this is a genuine post as surely no parent can be this naive.

I completely agree.

13 year olds are also much more likely to be coerced into doing something that they’re not comfortable with or being immature enough to believe everyone else is having sex too.

I would never put my DD in that position at 13.

My mum didn’t approve of the relationship, kicked me out because i wouldn’t have an abortion which pushed my closer to my ex and i felt i couldn’t tell her when he became abusive. I understand her not approving of him but we didn’t have an open relationship at all where I felt I could tell her things and I only left to protect DS. I was 16, his dad was 19. I got pregnant and we never once slept over so sex can happen anywhere is my point. It doesn’t only happen at night.

Look, I get that everyone is always trying to correct their own parents' parenting by doing things differently with their own children, I really do. But the way this is fundamentally different is that you were a teenage girl - whereas your own children are teenage boys. You see? There was no way you were going to make the mistake your mum made. Your son was never going to get pregnant behind a bike shed, and then run off to live with a dodgy girlfriend because you've shouted at him and told him to get an abortion, was he? In the present day, you and your son are not the parallel to your mum and you. What you are is someone providing a private space for someone just like teenage you to be knocked up.

Maybe the answer to "what should you do" is "whatever you think the parents of the boy who got you pregnant should have done", but maybe the answer doesn't lie in the mistakes of the past.

Agreed.

Ok but I think your experience has skewed your views so much that it's become a safeguarding concern.

Allowing 13 year olds to have girlfriends sleep over is dangerously lax parenting. There's an argument for allowing older teens to have long established partners stay, but hormonal children should never be put in that position.

You've really misjudged this one but that's not what you're wanting to hear from the sound of things.

As you don't know for sure that they had sex (although it seems more than likely they did), I wouldn't tell the girls mother but I would most definitely talk to him again making it very clear it is illegal at his age, he's broken your trust and he's not having a girl sleep over again until they are older.

I'm curious what the girls parents thought the sleeping arrangements were? It's very young for a mixed sex sleep over. It's so wrong to have put them both, especially the girl in a vulnerable position like that.

Also you are allowing the fact that your mum disapproved of your relationship screw your thinking.

I think it’s something you really need to work through. Teenagers don’t tell their parents everything it doesn’t matter how cool or open or close they are. Part of puberty is going through self actualisation and the establishment of who they are separate from parents.

you can be the most laidback parent in the world it doesn’t matter. It is unrealistic, they are developing internal and private lives and relationships that you won’t know about.

this doesn’t mean you don’t trust your child but have a healthy dose of scepticism and plan for what could be the worst outcome and go from there.

How do you know she isn’t pregnant already?

You are being unreasonable to say that he broke your trust. Broke your trust about what, specifically?

I've tried asking this but reply cometh there none.

If anything she has broken the boy's trust ... he should be able to trust that she will protect him.

No more sleepovers.

Talk to the girl’s mum.

I would be surprised if the girls mum actually knew where she was / knew the sleeping arrangements … have you spoken to mum ?

I mean…You should’ve at least had them sleeping in different rooms.

Doesn’t matter how much you trust them they’re children and will do dumb things. They can’t help it. I would tell her mum it will be awkward and embarrassing for everyone involved but it a situation of both your own choosing

you can’t expect honesty and open communication from DS when you can’t even model it yourself. Lead by example. You don’t need to be angry but there are consequences for all actions, good, bad or neutral.

I got pregnant and we never once slept over so sex can happen anywhere is my point. It doesn’t only happen at night.

Are you trolling?
Surely this has to be rage bait.

Of course sex can happen other than at nighttime’s but no one is stupid enough to not realise that it massively increases the chances of it happening when alone in a room together at night.

I’m guessing you are fine for your DH to have sleep overs with female colleagues and friends then?

I mean I echo most of the posters upthread so I don’t need to reiterate how bizarre this is.

However, surely you’d know if the condom was actually used?

You allowed a situation where they can easily have sex, and they will think that you condone it- a very stupid idea, how on earth will you explain in to the gf's parents? Pray nothing comes of it and you don't have to own up.
Broken your trust? FFS he's a 13 year old boy and we are talking about sex.
Your "reasoning" does not stand up , of course young teenagers can have sex anywhere, but it's much less likely than if they are in a nice warm comfortable bedroom.
These are children and sex between them is against the law, I am sure if it becomes police matter they will not be impressed with your behaviour.

Kindly I think it was a bit naive. No more mixed sex sleepovers.
If someone does stay it’s in a different room and you are very strict on the rules about this.
It doesn’t matter if they are embarrassed you need to clearly explain the rules.

I think you’re missing the main point here, and deflecting blame from yourself to your son. You are being unreasonable to say that he broke your trust. Broke your trust about what, specifically?
It seems to me that the rules weren’t specifically set. Kids do need boundaries. Did the girl’s mum know that they would sleep in the same room? I find it odd that you and her mum didn’t discuss this. If I was her mum I would have wanted to check what the sleeping situation would be.
On the one hand, you say your son was adamant that they didn’t have sex and frustrated that you doubted him, and he’s a good kid and you trust him… BUT on the other very big hand – most of us lied to parents at some point as teenagers, and most of us were less innocent as teenagers than our parents believed. Plus you say he is “very deep into puberty”. The hormones and urges will be strong. For me it’s a concern you only found the wrapper and not the condom. Surely if they had just looked at it, it would be in the rubbish / with the wrapper. I think there’s quite a strong chance that they had sex.

I really thought that this post was not real but sadly it appears that it is . What awful parenting by the OP,

OP would you leave a teen in a room overnight with a box of fireworks and matches?

Would you leave a teen in a room overnight with Alcohol/drugs?

Would you leave a teen overnight in a room with a dangerous dog?

The answers to these are no.

Same goes for would you leave a teen with the opposite sex in a room overnight with a blow up mattress?

The answer is always fuck no!

So to be blunt, you got knocked up (by a loser?) at 16 and now think sleepovers for young teens are ok …… it isn’t ok.

Whether you choose to believe your son is irrelevant, there is a bigger issue here. Stop allowing young children access to adult behaviours. You are their parent.

What trust did he break?
Im confused?
Are you asking if you should be annoyed or not?