To be pissed off DS broke my trust and I need to tell the girls mum?

Sounds like you are trying so hard to be a "cool mum" that you are not actually parenting.

Also looks like your own mum was right about your ex too. I'd take that as food for thought as to how you act now.

I'm 68. I can assure you that in the 70s "everyone" was not having underage sex.

She only found the wrapper

But by allowing the sleepover you’re responsible for this situation. Did the girl’s mum know the sleeping arrangements? It so that’s 2 irresponsible mothers.

Yes it's not the sleeping that's the issue.

sometimes we try to do our best and we make mistakes

there isn’t a manual

I’m surprised the girl was allowed to sleep but I can only assume the mother believed it was all innocent and he was a friend

on a side note even if you didn’t allow a sleepover then they could have just as easily done this through the day during a general visit

so don’t be hard on yourself - if they want to do it they will find a way regardless of sleepover or not

Sorry if you've answered this and I've missed it but was it used? If not his story makes sense and I can't see a problem. If it was used he's lying which would be an issue

You have no idea what the girls parents agreed to. Teenagers can be extremely sneaky. They could have agreed to a sleepover at a girls house.

Older than 13, but when me and my friends were teenagers and wanted to spend the night somewhere you’d get permission from your parents and your friends parents. Then “change your mind” and go “home” assuming the sleepover parents didn’t call your parents to confirm that you were no longer sleeping over.

Not rocket science

SHE LET HER DAUGHTER HAVE A SLEEPOVER!

OP your mum was one extreme and you seem to have gone to the complete other extreme - neither is right.

The question really though is - was the condom actually used? Surely you could tell! To me it doesn't sound like it was and it's quite possible he was just showing her - autistic kids don't tend to be very good at making up stories on the spot as that takes the sort of imagination they generally don't have.

I'd believe him in this instance and I wouldn't tell the girls parents - but I definitely wouldn't be having any more sleepovers. Definitely not appropriate at this age.

why would she have to explain herself to the mom of the 13 yo girl who also allowed her daughter to have a sleepover with her boyfriend? she's as responsible in this as op.

Well, he used a condom. That's great. But giving the air mattress to the girl and keeping the bed is unforgivable of your DS.

I think the girl’s mum (and dad) are probably just as bad as OP.
What parent that actually cares about their child being too young to consent to sex with risk of SA, pregnancy, STIs sends their 13yo girl to a sleepover with a same age boy when the sleeping arrangements are in his room!!!

Yes, tell the mum. That way she’ll know to keep a close eye on her child, as you can’t parent yours

First, you don’t have to tell the girl’s mother anything unless you made some ridiculous promise like you’d ensure 100% no sex. The mother agreed to a sleepover so she should know the risk.

Second, your DS has not broken your trust, you have failed to parent, just like your parents failed you. You are encouraging underage sex which is emotionally damaging and could have life long consequences on them both.

If it was my daughter, I'd want to know that a 13 year old boy had shown her a condom whilst supposedly being protected by a parent in someone else's home. I wouldn't want my young daughter to be expose to that.

As PPs have said, she shouldn't have been at a sleepover at a boy's to begin with.

I didn't say it was acceptable, just pointed out it's been going on for ever & where there's a will there's a way!

Yes but many things happened fifty years ago that wouldn’t be acceptable today, especially when it comes to women and sex. Or children in this case.

Just because someone was fucking a thirteen year old child fifty years ago, doesn’t mean it’s OK today.

Back in the 70s everyone was having underage sex & you didn't need a sleepover at "night" to do it

I can’t believe this is real.
If it is, you are nuts allowing this at 13!

I see that more as willful ignorance to be honest

One aspect of being naive (to me) is to be too trusting or to be blind to reality, in a “burying your head in the sand” kind of way. That’s how I meant it when I used the word naive in my initial post.

She wasn't naive at all. That suggests innocence or not knowing what could happen. She knows better than anyone what could happen so I don't know why people are excusing this away by labelling it as naive.

Both you and the girls mum are very wrong imo allowing same sex sleepovers at that age. I actually think this is very bad parentimg and you need to take a hard look at yourself, are you trying to be the cool mum or something?

Youre the parent snd its your job to ensure physical and mental welfare of your child and of those kids your child interacts with.

Youve put two young 13 year olds at risk.l here imo.

They dont have capacity for what youve arranged, was it a date-was it not- they were likely consideing. Lines have been blurred by you facilitating this. They were likely confused about the social dynamic of it all because this is not normal.

Yes you will need to tell girls mum but to be honest thst mum is just as bad.

I think both young people have been failed here by the adults in their life.

You sound like one these trying to be cool, wishy washy "mums/mate".

You can still have open dialogue with your children without putting them at risk in situations like this.

Imo your parenting standards seem very low and i think you should look to reflect on what happened, what went well, what went wrong, what could have been done differently. Id write those down and have a proper think to see if you can learn from this.

Im not a cool mum, if anything fall into strict and its no dating until 16 here (even in primary school when theres the innocent boyfrirnd/gitlfriend nonsense-we dont allow that and our message is normslised not just sprung upon them age 14 at first crush) and lots of talks about sex and relationship dynamics in teen years beforehand to develop emotional intelligence.

We focus hard on schoolwork and extra curriculars is the priority -not same sex slerpovers?! Parents need to put boundaries in place to protect their kids and other kids, thats our responsibility...again all imo.

Shaking my head at this one, both kids been failed, let down and put in siyuation neither are mentally equipped for. Disgrace to be honest.

Hope they really didnt have sex and this girl hasnt lost her virginity age 13 on an air mattress to some boy she wasnt even dating and i hope shes not pregnant and doesnt have to get an abortion.

A lot of risk - totally unneccessary.

If you really believed he liked her and were happy with dating befire 16 then you should have helped him explore his feelings, try to teach him whats right and whats wrong and encouraged him to plan a date and ask her on the date, prepared that she may accept or decline. Then further dates and boyfriend and girlfriend dynamic and what that means and boundaries, no sex until 16 at earliest. That should have been your involvement for their age.

Not facilitating same sex sleepover with an air mattress for her to sleep in his room.

Assuming this is true, it’s fucking insane