To be pissed off DS broke my trust and I need to tell the girls mum?

Agreed. What’s the fuck OP?
he is a CHILD. They are CHILDREN.

what the fuck????

Op get a grip ffs, what a moronic thing to allow . My god. Why in gods earth would you allow that ?

You play with fire and you get burned. You allowed the sleepover but so did her parents (I assume). Of course it’s in some way sexual.

Totally get the reasoning for allowing the sleepover but oh my, there should have been some ground rules. Doors open when gaming, separate bedrooms for sleep etc. So YABU for being upset with your son for breaking your trust because you pretty much gave them a green light by allowing them to sleep in the same room. Absolutely yes, you have to tell the girls mum BUT she also let her 13 year old have a sleepover at a boys house. No way would I allow my daughter to do that without knowing the family well first and knowing that there would be some strict ground rules about where they would actually be sleeping!

If you trust him enough to allow the sleep over then you need to trust his explanation of the condom wrapper and his statement that they didn’t have sex. If they did then at least they used a condom. These are the only take homes from this situation. He might have some learning from this but so do you my lovelie. Also never agree to keep secrets from your hubby. That will not go well.

I agree
this is absolute madness!

Good grief! If ever there were a case for compulsory parenting classes, this is it - for OP and the girl's parents.

So much that doesn't make sense here. Unless you explicitly said to your DD 'Don't have sex with her tonight', how can he have betrayed your trust? No reaction would be an over reaction - but the person you should be over-reacting to is yourself, for allowing this to happen under your roof. Rather than asking how to react to DS, how about thinking about how you will react if the girl is pregnant? Did you promise not to tell DP, as requested by DS? If so, why? Of course you must tell the girl's mum. If she's as irresponsible a parent as you, she'll wonder why you've bothered.

Typo

Op I think you’re getting it a bit tight here. All my dd2’s friends have been boys since day 1 and if I stopped sleepovers at 13 she’d have been left out of the fun parts of social life so I allowed it until about that age too. She’s 15 and still not even thought about having sex, she was still acting like a child at that point as were her boy pals. They had always done it. I stopped it when she started her periods but tbh I don’t think she asked again. Presumably the girls mum allowed it too so it’s on both equally. There’s nothing to say they had sex, playing about with condoms and tampons at that age is standard. You know now it’s time to knock it on the head. I’d be interested to know how many horrified people on here actually have a kid this age, especially ones with opposite gender friend groups.

You say your AIBU isn't about allowing sleepovers, but it should be. You allow a teenage girl to sleep in the same room as a teenage boy and you're annoyed at HIM because you found a condom wrapper?? Sigh. You should be annoyed at yourself for facilitating this happening.

He hasn't broken your trust at all. You said she could sleepover and she did. He said nothing happened, maybe it didn't, maybe it did. The only person that would be breaking anyone's trust would be you if you tell DP. However, in case anything DID happen, you now HAVE to break his trust and tell your DP as well as her mother to check that she is okay and if anything did happen she wasn't pressured, etc.

In future, don't allow girls to sleepover and you won't find yourself in this situation where your son is getting the blame for your poor judgement.

You can have an open relationship in terms of communication without allowing sleepovers. And of course teens won't only have sex if they are allowed to sleep over but it certainly makes it much more convenient for them!

Stop trying to be the cool mum and actually parent, or do you want a long line of teen parents to be your legacy?
You need to tell her mum incase they did have sex, or she was uncomfortable with his behaviour. She should have also asked what the sleeping arrangements were but it was your job to protect them in your home and you failed horribly

If I knew you personally I would be making a report to children’s social care. You are taking no responsibility for what’s happened and your judgment is way-off. Grow up and be a parent.

This CANT be real, it's too absurd. But incase it is, OP you are both unreasonable, naive and nuts for allowing a sleepover.

It doesn't matter what the original thread was about when a child safe-guarding issue is raised. People have a duty to point this out so someone who may not understand that their parenting is unsafe.

If I was the girls mum I would be livid with you , if my daughter stayed at your house ( she wouldn’t ) I would expect at a bare minimum separate bedrooms . You have given consent for two under aged children to have sex under your roof , you should be ashamed .

“He didn’t know where the condom had gone” come on OP wtf?!?! That’s a very typical teenage “the sky is pink”

imagine the condom went down the loo. How incredibly irresponsible of you. You seem to have him up on a pedestal which will not raise him to treat women with respect either

If they did, then at least they took precautions.

@Lavender317 Did the girl's mother know she would be sleeping in the same room as your son? As for sex can happen anywhere. Well yes, it can and does. But as the mother of a 13 year old you're supposed to minimise the chances not increase them. You also had a duty of care to protect the girl that was sleeping over. I mean, putting two hormone fuelled teenagers in the same bedroom all night is just asking for the bleeding obvious to happen.

What on earth are you thinking encouraging or allowing two vulnerable young people to be in such a situation.
I would also say exactly the same to the girls parents. They are children.you are supposed to keep them safe. You have let them both down

Not playing devil's advocate but I slept round all my male friends houses between 14 and 16 and never shagged any of them so hopefully they didn't

There is a world of difference between your childhood situation and you going to the other end of the spectrum and allowing g/b sleepovers at 13. When they are dating! Absolute madness verging on negligent.

my sixteen year old is not allowed boyfriends to stay yet. She has had two relationships, one for a year and one for 6 months. They had opportunities when we were out but she said recently that she was so glad we said no to sleepovers because it took the pressure off. Turns out she isn’t ready but definitely felt the pressure to perform during those relationships.

knock the mixed gender sleepovers on the head.

i have mixed feelings about telling the mum. Part of me thinks she won’t know her daughter stayed at yours in the first place. I think I would err on the side of caution and tell her whilst acknowledging that she may blow up if she finds out her 13 year old has had sex with all but the blessing of the boy’s mother.

As someone who is acutely aware of sexual abuse and boundaries being overstepped on that front I have to call you out here OP I’m sorry.
You are mixing your past experience and feeling around it with reality and other things that need to be in place. The issue you had with your mum was your relationship with her in general by the sounds of and a manipulative older man influencing your choices, that would not have been fixed by her facilitating the relationship and allowing sleepovers
while, yes, if kids want to have sex they will find a way, facilitating an open environment to allow them to do so if reckless and irresponsible

If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, what do you suppose it is?

you allowed 13 year olds to sleep in the same room, and you know that they had sex. One small saving grace is they apparently used a condom.

his story is similar to one I heard after smelling weed in my son’s bedroom.

er, yea those are my friend’s he has to smoke them because of his uh, throat

I'm a man in his 50s but I remember being 13/14. And the just the conversations I had with my female friends. And wow, just wow, you let a girl sleep in his room and get upset that they might have had sex?

No don't tell her mum. They could take it to the police and your son is in a world of trouble,as are you and her mum.

You need to speak firmly to your son about what potentially could have happened if they did have sex. And tell him that it's not happening again.

You also need to have a long hard look at your parenting. You're own mum wasn't brilliant but surely allowing this level of interaction is soooooo dangerous.

Thanks, I thought she found the condom.