To not understand attitude on here to grandparents helping with childcare

So, to be entitled to support from you children in old age, it is not enough to birth them, to feed and clothe them, pay for their university, support them when they can't find a job straight after uni, pay for their hobbies whilst they are at school, drive them to their hobbies, help them with homework, fill out applications with them, etc. etc.? We need to be nannies to their children too, for you to support us and 'not to begrudge helping us in our frail age'? Priceless. Classic.

I do not think it is entitled to expect support. You don’t just stop being a parent when your children reach 18.

I agree that you don't stop being a parent when they reach 18, but equally, grandparents don't have any part in their adult child's decision to have children and they're not responsible for them.

So adult children need to be realistic about the support that grandparents can offer. I hope that I can help out if I become a grandparent, but it shouldn't be "expected." If mine have children in the next decade, for example, DH and I will still be working so we won't be able to offer much childcare.

I do think that one shouldn't expect help, but I think depending on the circumstances it's understandable to feel hurt if it isn't proffered, in exactly the same way that one might be upset at not getting a present for a milestone birthday (in a family wherein birthdays are usually marked with presents), even though we shouldn't really expect anything.

It relates also to what people had growing up, as alluded to by PP. If you grew up going to your grandparents' house every weekend, you'd be annoyed if your parents suddenly had no time for your kids, given the help they had when you were a kid.

I was a sahm so didn't need any help but Mil wanted to have her grandkids over because she loves them. I have two dc so they each took their turn and now as teens are very close to their grandmother and still go over to see her often. She never saw it as work (even though it is) - for her it gave meaning to her life and made her happy spending time with them. We're lucky to have her in our lives.

I don't have children, so no skin in this game, but I think it is about "social norms". All my friends - who now have adult kids - had moved away from the parental home by some distance, for either university or careers, so when the kids came along they could have easily be living a couple of hundred miles away from grandparents (and I would have been the same). So there was never any expectation of childcare, as it was totally impractical. They all expected to pay for childcare, which is what they did.
Now those parents are becoming the grandparent generation, and the now-adult kids have moved away themselves. So, again, childcare won't be happening. It's an alien concept to all of us to think that successive generations of a family might live in the same town.
But I agree that any expectation of childcare is unfair - grandparents deserve to just enjoy the relationship, not be unpaid skivvies.

Agree. It is seen with money as well.

My parents are boomers as are my friends parents.

Mine helped me with my house deposit - they had made a lot of money on their house they bought for 50 pence afterall. 😂 My friends parents had also made lots of money, but it was a big "F U. It's our money and we are going to sit on it". My friend couldnt get on the ladder while i could.

I found it really weird - why wouldnt you help your kids like that if you could?

Agreed.

But it is “entitled” to “expect” childcare.

I say this as someone whose mother has been extremely helpful over the years with my DC, but there was certainly no “expectation” from my side that she would do it.

I find it confusing as well. You don’t stop being a ‘tribe’ when you turn 18. I fully expect/hope to be a very helpful and involved grandparent if my kids (3) have children. The disconnect some grandparents feel is shocking to me - I do wonder if they expect the same response when they grow frail.

100% agree with you. I do feel that apart from exceptional circumstances one should help close family. I DO owe my parents as they are my parents and I love them. That’s enough reason.

I don’t think I’m bitter nobody helped us with childcare. We managed and it has perks not relying on family.

However, that probably is why it sounds like CFuckery to me when people expect childcare from their parents - usually the Mum…

I totally agree. There are a lot of bitter people on this site.

People fall into all camps on here in my experience. Those like you, which is what I hope to have with my children, and those like me who had zero help from their mum and don't have a relationship with them at all.