Should partner leave his club over sexual messages

Ewww, how embarrassingly desperate and cringey is he! Leave him, absolute sleaze bag!

He's a pig. He did not give a shit about you or his marriage when he sent those texts.

You will never be able to trust him again.

What, for the briefest second, is making you think you should stay with this absolute loser?!

He’s so insecure he needs to go and flirt outside his relationship… pathetic.

There is a wonderful, honourable bloke out there waiting for you to come along…Ditch this buffoon and go and find him x

Of course he leaves the club

Go to marriage counselling

He should stay in the club.

You should leave the marriage.

Ew, that would be it for me. I couldn’t be with someone that sleazy and underhand. You’d be better off alone. He’ll do it again, if he hasn’t already done it before.

OP, I’m so sorry. It’s a horrible shock. I’ve been there.

It could be that he was building up to cheat, it could be that actually he’s all mouth and no trousers and has the sort of low self esteem where he’s just enjoying this attention. It doesn’t matter, the end result is that it’s hurt you.

nobody can stay whether you should stay or leave, it’s never an easy thing to do and I think a lot of people who think they’d leave, don’t.

what would matter to me is his response to being caught. Is it full transparency, blocking contact, leaving the club voluntarily without being asked, answering your questions?

or is it deflecting, half answers, changing stories, defiance, ‘it’s not that bad I didn’t even cheat’ sort of rhetoric?

I can only tell you from my own POV, it damaged my self esteem that I stayed. Made me paranoid, I thought of very little else.

I was friends with a couple years ago, he was caught sending images to a colleague at work. His partner was devastated but loved him deeply and didn’t want to lose him to this colleague. Begged him to stay but then made all the right noises when she was feeling stronger ‘if you ever do this again I’ll leave you so fast’ etc. He DID do it again, same woman again, and she still didn’t leave. They broke up over an unrelated issue a few miserable years later. A long time after I saw him again and emboldened by the glass(es) of wine I’d had, I asked him WHY did he do it again. And he told me quite honestly, he didn’t respect her for staying the first time he was caught, so it wasn’t hard to do it again. And I asked if he had any advice for a woman in that situation, be it a sister or friend, what would he say? And he said, just leave, if you’re having to ask him to move jobs / to not talk to OW / if he’s not just simply doing these things off his own back to protect your peace, then he doesn’t care. If someone has gone outside the relationship, they’ve evaluated the risk of being caught already and decided it’s worth it.

^Totally this!

So sorry op, he is having an affair those messages are awful

Good grief. No, I don't think there's any coming back from that. How can you ever trust him again? What if she'd been flattered and responded with something equally sexual? Do you honestly believe he'd have instantly reversed course and told her he'd just been joking—or would he have allowed things to progress between them? I don't think a man makes those kinds of comments to a woman without secretly hoping something will come of it. At the very least it's a dangerous game to play, and he should be down on his knees begging you to forgive him. Quitting the club should be his idea. If it's not, I think I'd be quitting him.

He can stay at the club it’s not the club that’s having an affair and sending awful messages, it’s your husband!!
you a being very unreasonable by staying with him!

My ex had an emotional affair with a girl at work. I never got past it. All the secret messages etc are just so deceitful, I could never trust him ever again. He gaslighted it as 'banter' or it didn't really mean anything, he was allowed female friends etc. Made my exit plan and left. Best decision i ever made.

This.
Don't get fixated on this woman, your partner is the kind of person who cheats. Once you accept that, it's easier to move on.

Something very similar happened to me several years ago. We stayed together and I honestly tried to forgive but things are never the same, the trust has gone. Leave him.

You aren’t married. I would probably bin him he sound completely untrustworthy.

I think it's easy to say 'leave' but very different from the reality of actually leaving. If you want to stay and intend to work through things, then he needs to leave the club, and ideally cut ties with everyone in it. He needs to put in the work to show he massively f*cked up and wants to regain your trust. He needs to know it's not going to be instant reconciliation. It won't be easy. You might decide in six months, a year, two years, that you just can't emotionally get beyond it. That's okay, you don't owe him anything at that point. But it's not wrong to want to work through it either.

I am so sorry op. I’ve been there, done that, got the fucking t shirt that no one would ever want.
Right now, watch what he does, not what he says. If he isn’t immediately leaving whatever club she is in? Not good.
But, at this precise moment? It doesn’t matter. You have had a tremendous shock and you need to do whatever YOU need to do to start to regain your equilibrium, irrespective of him.
Personally, I’d be telling him “you have detonated a bomb under my life. If you think it is appropriate to continue contact with this woman, that is up to you. And I will act accordingly. Also, I am going to spend at least the next year recovering from your massive betrayal. You do whatever you want to do”. Then do exactly that. His behaviour will tell you everything you need to know.

Him leaving the club won’t help. Monitoring his phone won’t help. He’s broken your trust now and you can’t carry on because you can’t have a partner you has to be restricted in order to be trusted.

Agree. The question is not should he continue going to the club, but what do you want?

Have you asked him what he intends to do to salvage this and rebuild your trust?

If you tell him to leave the club how will you trust that he won’t still be thinking of her, messaging her or someone else. Plus if he is only leaving unwillingly then he isn’t really doing it at all.

sorry you are going thru this

I think YABU to stay with him.

Being a member of a club isn’t the issue - it’s the fact he thinks it’s remotely ok to message someone those things, it is completely wrong. Also he HAS done something - he’s messaged someone sexual messages. That’s not nothing. It’s up to you whether you want to try again with someone like that or not. I’m really sorry and it’s horrible to grapple with, but it’s not for you to ask him to do anything - like leave the club - he either goes out of his way to make amends (for example saying that he is leaving the club and cutting all contact) or he doesn’t. If he keeps going and does sod all to get to the bottom of why he did that - and more than once - then I think that tells you all you need to know.

Let him stay at the club… but leave him. Trust is all gone

I don’t think for me there would be any coming back from that tbh. If you hadn’t found them then he likely would have continued until it was an affair. I ‘forgave’ something similar. It’s never been the same since when I can’t seem to get rid of him now. I would probably leave the relationship if you can.

Why is your focus on whether he should leave his club, when you should be leaving him?!