AIBU to expect my mum to cancel her gym session to look after my kids?

I'm a grandmother. I resent the entitlement that you think she's your first port of call for when you're sick. The children's father and you have full parental responsibility. Is he not trusted to take care of them? You already have an enormous commitment from her which you sound totally ungrateful for. She's the only active grandparent. And probably tired of watching your husband go to work while she absorbs the childcare expectations because she's a woman who retired and realised she values her own wellbeing and life. Give her a break.

She asked to do it though, most grandparents actually enjoy spending time with them. No one’s saying op shouldn’t be grateful for that days childcare but I can’t imagine my daughter being ill, needing help and I say sorry I’ve got Pilates. Threads like these make me so grateful for the support I had from my mum

What about some kindness to OP's mother who provides a full-day childcare every week from 8 in the morning for OP and the same for her sister and she did go and help OP just a bit later than OP wanted .
I also think your generalisation about older generations is unfair. I had absolutely no help with my children when they were young my parents were never in a position to help and it was the same with my friends we helped each other and either had to cope when our children were ill or our husbands stayed home .
I think far more grandparents provide childcare and are expected to now than they did when my children were young. The playground when I pick my GC up from school has more grandparents waiting for pick up than parents.
I have provided childcare for my GC for at least a couple of days a week since they were babies and sometimes more they also often stay overnight but it's exhausting and gets more exhausting the older I get. So I also have my own commitments and my own interests which I have to do for my mental and physical health. My DD understands that and would never expect me to drop everything except in a real emergency. But some people on this thread seem to think that grandparents are not allowed to have a life of their own.

Some people on here are so disgustingly rude and unkind.

OP I feel you, I’ve only got the 1 child and there’s been some awful times where I’ve been poorly and I don’t know what I’d have done without the help from my mum or MIL on the very rare occasion when my DH was away with work.

In the 90s/early 00s I spent so much time with my grandparents and that same input it just not there now so it’s made raising a family so difficult.

I can understand the later retirement age may be part of it for some grandparents not being able to help, but it’s a non issue for grandparents if they’re already retired and in good health, why leave your daughter/son to struggle?

But then, looking back our parents palmed off us kids quite often to grandparents, so maybe it’s shouldn’t be too much of a shock they don’t want responsibility now either… something to think about.

Yep everyone saying “why won’t your husband do it?” is missing the point. Husband may be useless, or may be genuinely unable (everyone is acting like everyone can just take parental leave because it’s the law - which is too naive for words).

But the OP is hurt shes not more important to her mum than a gym session. Thats the bottom of it and it doesn’t matter how you spin it, that’s what this shows. Is it her mums right to say no? Of course, but it hurts.

Your anger is directed at your mother but it’s probably built up frustration with being the mum of two young kids whose husband ‘supports’ you by going to the office every day and doing little when he gets back. She isn’t the problem - a setup designed to suck the life and soul out of you is.

If I was your neighbour and you asked for help because you were sick, I would come over. I haven’t looked after babies for decades, but absolutely I would come over and help in anyway I could. I can’t imagine managing to look after two children, a baby and a toddler, while I was sick.

My mum did the exact same to me, said she couldn’t help out as she had a Pilates session. Meanwhile I’m in bed with tonsillitis. I would have rather she gave an excuse that was a lie than say that to me. It tells me what matters more to her

Is it wrong that DGM and DH have kinda questioned how serious the OP’s serious illness is?

DH didn’t think she was so ill that she couldn’t look after the children that morning and DGM seemed to think she’d manage too. Perhaps OP hasn’t communicated just how ill she really is, if neither DGM nor DH are stepping up.

It’s horrible being poorly when you are looking after your children. I have recently spent time with several mothers who are trying to care for young children whilst undergoing chemotherapy, which has made them very poorly. They have needed support and grandparents, friends and other family members have stepped up when they can. The primary responsibility for looking after their children when the mums have been unable to has fallen on the dads though.

Moving forward, you need to have a plan with DH for when you go back to work. Keeping a few emergency days might not be enough for the relentless sick days young children inevitably have when they start nursery/preschool etc. You and your husband may need to share these between you. It will be a good opportunity for him to demonstrate how his employer values and recognises how important fathers are and how it respects the laws in place to enable them to fulfil their role. Have you also made plans for childcare during school holidays, as depending on where you are, you may need to consider booking a place soon?

OP, unless your mum has explicitly stated she will provide childcare when your children are even just slightly ill and won’t be allowed to attend normal childcare and will look after them for 13 week holiday a year, please don’t expect that she will.

You seem to be suggesting that, depending on your ethnicity, it's OK to expect your mother to be 'martyr to the cause' (what 'cause'?) and devote her retirement to free childcare?

I feel like most of these comments are by white privaleged women who are martyrs to the cause and in perfect health. She has said she is very ill. She has said her mum basically promised the world in childcare and I suspect she feels also told the world she has retired to look after the grandchildren. Once a week is great but to not step up when needed desperately to go the gym is selfish. Its not like she was meeting friends for a special meal. The gym is there all the time. I'd be annoyed and disappointed too.

The reality is that in some cultures the women are still expected to largely raise the children. Hence the reliance on the grandma's. Maybe the dad is more modern and should help but some jobs are very tricky to be off from.

We are very lucky in that we have 3 grandparents in 15mins drive away. Ive recently gone through a period of ill health and not been 'under the weather'. Just really ill. My husband did have time off here and there and went in late but its not always realistic. Sometimes he is the only senior staff member on site. So the grandparents stepped up. Of course they did.

I think you have good cause to be annoyed. I think you also need to talk to your husband about time off if your illness continues.
Exploring nursery for the older child might help longer term. Could be worth checking in your mum is still ok with the arrangement of one long day a week. My mum is now 75 and still has my son (7) for a day. She'd be less keen on having his cousin who is 4 for the same amount of time. 2 half days might work better. 2 can be a handful!

We’re ending this convo now, but when they are retired, the parents are often tired, slowed down, in a way that they don't even like confessing to themselves. They don’t intend to become creaky, old people.

And because they are at the gym and going on long walks and meeting up with friends their children often seem to fail to notice the small physical declines, possibly because they don’t want to see it, particularly if they are desperate for help with childcare.

I know of a woman in her 70s who has helped out with twins since their birth, and is now taking on their new sibling at the same time. This seems to be expected of her, and being a normal woman who longs to help her daughter, she’s stepping up.

But in this whole debate please remember that your parents (usually the mother) might not say anything, but spending a day tending small children takes it out of them in a major way. They would rather die than miss out on being able to help, but it would be kind to remember that they simply don't have the backs and the knees that you do, nor the energy.

Your later posts are now sounding much more balanced than your first. Your first post did sound pretty entitled tbh - that might be why everyone pounced on you.

You began saying you were on maternity leave, but had your mum providing a full day of childcare each week. Many of us couldn’t understand why your mum was committed to this as you were on maternity leave. But you suggested she wasn’t helping as promised. Has her help always been one day per week, even when you had newborns ?

But then you told us that you worked on Tuesdays, (launching two businesses!) so this explains why your mum does such a long day for you.

Your comment about having to get through maternity without support seems a bit ungrateful. We see that you have been supported by your lovely mum and your husband too. You indicate your older child goes to nursery, which will give you some periods of respite. Baby groups etc could help too.

Did your husband choose not to take his paternity leave? If he is a senior member of staff, much needed change to the company’s attitude needs to come from your husband and other seniors.

I also note that despite working full time and you being on maternity leave, your husband does the nursery run? So he is home at a reasonable time too?

It is 100% okay to admit you are struggling. It seems your mum judged that you’d be okay ‘til after her gym session. I don’t know why she did that. Perhaps you’d been poorly for a few days already and she thought you were resilient enough for a few more hours? It is a fair comment that if you were so poorly that your children couldn’t be left with you until your mum was available, you should have asked your husband or another family member who didn’t have prior commitments. Your husband also deemed that you were okay enough to look after the children for those extra few hours. Perhaps you outwardly appeared that you were coping, but inside felt desperate. You are so right, please make it clear to your husband what you need from him or he’ll think you are coping.

I'm sorry you felt let down by your mum. I honestly believe that if your question had simply been AIBU to feel upset my mum didn’t cancel her gym to look after me as I was feeling sick, you would have received more support. But instead you claimed you had received little help and support from your mum, when compared to many others, this is simply not true. The fact that you indicated asking for more help was more trouble than it was worth suggested you had asked for more in the past. Your mum also helps other family members. She retired to offer help and this is exactly what she is doing. She’s just managing that help within her boundaries. Many of us have grandparents who still work full time so the option of help is not there.

You’re a two parent household and you have free childcare one full day a week. You’re cross at the wrong person, I get that it’s difficult for your husband to take time off but you’re framing it wrong. He wouldn’t be taking the time to look after his ill wife, he would be taking the time to provide emergency childcare for his children (as you were unable to effectively provide it whilst ill). As you said yourself, you hardly ever ask for help, and wouldn’t unless it was desperate, therefore it’s a huge one off to him too. Your mum does enough, your husband needs step up on the odd occasion when his children need him, regardless of whether works frowns upon it or not.

Are you a single parent? Why is your husband not taking carers leave?

You are being unreasonable yes.

You want someone else to disrupt their routine to attend to your needs when you have a partner who is supposed to be that person.

Your mum and mil did not have children, you and your partner did and I now the age old trope of a support network being grandparents etc but that should not be an expectation.

You should be asking your partner.

I thi k help would be nice but not obligatory

Now im feeling so much anger because the lack in inflexibility shocks me. This doesn't actually make any sense, but the entitled sentiment comes through clearly.

You repeatedly say you 'have no help', but it's entirely normal for a SAHP to look after their own kids and it's not even true in your case.

She’s not “mean”! As for you and your “heroic” time spent when your 16yr old child was in hospital-that’s what the majority of parents would do for their child/teenager. You’d hardly expect the same level of care as a fully grown adult would you! OP has a husband /partner. He should be the first one expected to help.

She’s not “mean”! As for you and your “heroic” time spent when your 16yr old child was in hospital-that’s what the majority of parents would do for their child/teenager. You’d hardly expect the same level of care as a fully grown adult would you! OP has a husband /partner. He should be the first one expected to help.

Agree that “sad” is what these replies have made me feel.

All the “she raised her own children, so why should she?!” Errrr simply to demonstrate to her daughter that she loves her and doesn’t want her to suffer needlessly. When did love and support for the most important people in our lives become capped at one day a week?

I’m sure the OP does plenty for her mother too, and if she doesn’t yet, she will as she ages.

I’m not going to tell my mum I’m not coming round to help her with her internet problems because I already help her with her shopping each week. But with the way most posters here view familial relationships, maybe I should tell her that?!

I agree with the grandma. I have no support but my goodness those replies are awful.

I think your mum should have given up a gym session to help, it's a one off. You're not asking her to cancel the whole membership.

It's sad, we should all have a village.

That’s a really good point. No one wants to be seen solely as a provider of childcare.

But are you saying you're off on maternity leave just now and your mum is still there 1 day a week while you're off? Why?

In that scenario I'd be giving your mum a break as well and only asking to help on days when ill etc. She's saying she'll come in the afternoon, if I was ill and during my mat leave (I had a terrible bout of COVID where I was almost hospitalised for example and there was noone coming running to help, I had a breastfed baby and a toddler and my husband was really ill too and we juggled them so we could both just about survive) and someone said they'd come give me 3/4 hours to rest I'd have cried with gratitude.

Your Mum is selfish.
My Mum would absolutely help me. My SIL in on maternity now, second child too. She’s been unwell several times and my mum is always up there helping. She frequently sleeps over to help with the night shift too.

Try ask up your MIL too - she might feel she doesn’t want to impose but would love to help out.