AIBU to expect my mum to cancel her gym session to look after my kids?

Nitpicking exact words to support a mother not helping her child makes me think you would do the same.
Fine if you think prioritising the gym over your sick child and grandchildren is acceptable but I don’t and it’s not something I would do.
For whatever reason her husband is not coming to look after the children, so I will help. If he’s at work and can’t leave I will help. If he’s a prick and refuses to help then I will help. Either way she needs help
What mother says to her child just keep struggling because I’m going to the gym? No idea why some people on here even had children

I haven’t been able to follow my gym routine for a week because it’s the school holidays. My mental health has declined sharply! I don’t always recognise that the working out is more than keeping fit and strong. When I don’t do it for a day or two or if I do it at a time where I can’t train properly (for some of us the right time of day and nutrition / medication etc is important) then I am bad tempered and frankly a bit depressed. Is that ideal? No. Is it my adult child’s fault? No. Should there be more help available for women in peri-menopause / menopause? Yes but it’s sub standard. More than one thing can be true at the same time. We are human too, there is no way I would have the patience to look after a 3 year old and an 11m old if I wasn’t feeling 100% myself and sometimes that would include having worked out. Obviously in a life or death situation I would need to skip a session but someone else feeling ill doesn’t trump me feeling down or depressed or my needs. This attitude is why so many women are burnt out. If the OP was as poorly as she claims she would have jumped at the chance to have a few hours to nap in the afternoon.

Anyway, I had to get up at 5am this morning to workout because my mood has been awful and I recognise that it’s not fair on my children. Those children were better off with a poorly Mum than with a Grandma that didn’t want to be there and was maybe cranky because her routine was altered.

Hope you are feeling better OP. People are brutal on here when it comes to the topic of grandparents helping out. They’ll also be the same people moaning they don’t get to dictate how and when they get to see their grand kids. So I’d take all those “you chose to have kids” comments with a massive pinch of salt.

Sometimes we need our mums and I know my mum and many mums around the world would cancel their gym session to help, it’s
a once off and you’re her baby so she should want to help and take care of you. Sure,
it’s good to have boundaries but if my kid needed me no matter what age they are, I’d be there.

So I don’t think you are being unreasonable, and sorry to hear you are not getting as much support as you need.

It makes me the opposite on behalf of women. This women already does every Tuesday, she already does other days for other grandchildren. She already offered the afternoon. She’s finally said ‘no’ and looked after her own health instead. Good for her.

Its not so much the OP's situation that's sad, it's the replies. So many people who don't have that kind of support in their lives, even going so far as to call op a CF. It cuts both ways BTW, my own mum is getting elderly now and if she needed help with anything I'd be there in a heartbeat.

But the mum does help, every Tuesday! Do you really think that your DM should drop everything and not have a bit of her own life? She offered the afternoon? Maybe the DH could’ve covered the morning?

Why are you sad? She agreed to come and help for the afternoon. Her mum also helps look after multiple grandchildren on multiple days each week. How much more of a village does she need to be.

This thread makes me a bit sad. My mum would 100% help me, and if my kids needed me I'd do the same. The "village" is well and truly dead if we aren't even supposed to ask our own parents for help

Im glad your mum helps you with childcare one day per week that must be such a great support with 2 children under 3.
I can understand you feel unsupported if you asked your mum for help when you were ill and she refused due to going to the gym. I can also understand why some may think it entitled to expect your mum to drop her plans to help you with she already does/offers considerable help.
I think this may be a communication issue . Your mum didnt refuse to help she said she couldnt help until the afternoon. It seems she thought you were midly unwell and it wasnt an emergency situation so the afternoon would be ok.
Hope you are feeling better soon.

She's helping her one full day a week. That's pretty much asking for help all the time. Her mother is very generous and offered to come and do extra for the afternoon to help. I'd expect a normal, capable adult to be able to hold the fort for a 2-3 hours till I could get there. Have we really become this helpless? God help the next generation if we are (none who will have capable parents to come help them, it seems).

Firstly I don’t think you are unreasonable for wanting help when unwell BUT I do think you are unreasonable for expecting so much ‘set’ help when on maternity leave.

I imagine what could be happening here is that your DM is thinking that she has done her ‘bit’ for the week and wants to do no more. It is however unkind for her not to come over but I have no way of knowing what her other life commitments are.

To all the posters going on about paid family help, careful what you wish for. I entered into this kind of arrangement with my DM, and it altered the relationship forever. It can be trick and when it comes to my time as a grandparent, I will help out (but not full time) and will not charge for it.

She probably thinks if she does this then it’s the thin end of the wedge and you will carry on chipping away at her time because you’re a cheeky f!

@Mkxxx it's horrible when you're ill and have young kids. When mine were small, if I got ill, it was difficult for my (now ex) DH to get the day off. My mum wouldn't have even considered coming over to help and it broke my heart. She never helped out with childcare at all.

I remember once she had come over to visit and my son was about 1. I suddenly started to feel very unwell, had a high temperature and was being sick. My mum told me she was leaving as "she didn't want to catch anything" At the time she was a fit and healthy 60 year old. I had such a high temperature that I was literally delirious and she just walked out leaving me and my son to get on with it. This type of thing happened so many times with my mum. I just couldn't understand it, as anytime she needed help or support I was immediately there for her. She can show care in other ways, but I still can't understand how someone who is supposed to love you can just walk away or not help when you're really struggling.

I understand you're not asking your mum for extra help all the time, just when you're not well. I really don't think that's unreasonable!

👏

Oh course how dare the DGM attend a gym, when she can isolate herself at home and watch YouTube!

So selfish having a life outside of the house!

Some parents prefer to parent their own children and take responsibility, like normal capable parents. Lots of parents are able to do that, done even shock horror move away and don’t have GPs near by, for work or because they feel it’s best for them and their children.

Maybe you need that darkened room now?

Im shocked at the amount of husbands who won't help out ,it's as if their work and activities have to come first.
Having said that I would always help my family in a situation like this,even if it meant annoying work!

What it highlights though is that when Op's mum said she would come over later & the Op didn't want that, no one else was asked.

Why?

I'm sure it was disappointing that she didn't come running when wanted.

But then neither did anyone else.

Op's husband who was there with Op & could see how ill she was obviously thought she could manage until her mum did get there...

By the same token you could argue their father is not being a very loving father.

He’s not being a loving father is he? I guess you’re feeling very unloved by your husband. If my wife was unwell and our children need to be cared for I’d drop everything. I often did. It’s what dads do.

'if I don’t get my two sessions a week my chronic pain worsens and I am not able to bend and get down to the floor'

Yes exercise is of course necessary and beneficial , no one disputes that. Gyms are very flexible though timing wise and if you have one that is unusual and only opens for 2 hrs a day there are lots of exercises to do at home. Try YouTube maybe, lots of stuff on there.

She’s not being a loving mother is she? I guess you’re feeling very unloved by your mum. If my adult daughter was unwell and her children need to be cared for I’d drop everything. I often did. It’s what mums do.

Yes and she agreed to help. Nothing unreasonable about saying I'll come over once I've been to the gym.

My parents and pils looked after our kids every day i worked when they were little and we didn't pay them, they loved having them! Some on here would need a lie down in a darkened room hearing that.

They also helped if I was ill or had hospital appointments on my days off. The cheek of them being normal supportive grandparents! Now the tables have turned a bit, I could not imagine if dm rang asking for help and i said sorry hun got a gym session first see ya later.

This was my thought as a menopausal woman with chronic illness if I don’t get my two sessions a week my chronic pain worsens and I am not able to bend and get down to the floor. I then spiral into a burn out that can take a considerable length of time to recover from. I have found the perfect spacing to keep myself well and it would need to be life or death for me to sacrifice it as the implications for me can be very severe.
Your my mum may need the gym sessions at specific intervals to keep being able to look after her grandchildren.

It is a daughter asking her own mother for help because she feels ill and her children are 1 and 3. Nothing unreasonable in that request.