AIBU to expect my mum to cancel her gym session to look after my kids?

You’ll get told you’re wrong here but my mum would have instantly helped and I would do the same with my kids if they’re ill.

Although she obviously doesn’t have to I know for a fact my mam would come and help me if I was ill. I think you’re getting abit of a hard time here.

Exactly this!

I mean we’ve got people on here saying the DHM should just go on YouTube to exercise!

How controlling is that??

As a mother of adult children but not a grandparent I can't say what I would do, but I know how difficult it has/is to prioritise myself, even though they don't need me now to commit to set gym/classes/meet ups Its difficult, maybe after many years she's finally putting herself first to achieve a gym goal?

Like the many husbands and partners we hear about who prioritise multiple long periods in gym per week as its good for their mental health? Knowing you have a full day per week free childcare is fantastic, don't ruin your relationship with your mum feeling she's not doing enough, she really is, appreciate that. As everyone has said, your husband has to actually parent when you can't, simple. Who cares what his bosses thoughts on the matter of childcare is, if within his contract he can take time off for dependants being sick then he does.

Look elsewhere for additional help paid/other family, not expecting more from the one person freely giving you support

The mother did go and help though (I think people are missing this) she just went a little later than the OP wanted.
She had a gym session that presumably she had already booked and maybe even paid for. It could be something that her doctor has recommended ,we don't know how important it was to her to go to it. Who are we do say that the gym session wasn't just as important to OPs mother as OPs work is to him?
But in any case the OPs mother is also a person in her own right with the right to a life.
She went to the gym session then she went to help her daughter. I don't think she did anything wrong. The OP is lucky to have her.

The view of some on this thread seem to be that the OPs mum isn’t allowed to have a life of her own she has to be at her daughters beck and call and drop everything to be available.

she was busy but said she would come as soon as she was done. That is more than fair given it doesn’t seem it was an emergency situation.

Make our daughters struggle or make our SILs step up?

The DH here is not self employed though!

She wasn't leaving her to struggle though that's the whole point. The OPs mother was the only one willing to actually come and help. All she said was she could come in the afternoon.

Yes we should make our daughters struggle to teach all men their responsibilities and bring down the patriarchy. I’m sure your daughter will appreciate you making a stand for feminism while she needs help.

You are being unreasonable, your children are yours and your husband’s responsibility and not your mum’s. Maybe she has other things to do and not just the gym (of which you sound rather dismissive).
Your DH’s attitude needs questioning far more than your mum’s.

Yes but op specifically said she's struggling. Of course DH could help but my DH is self employed and my mum would not see our family lose money in this instance. I think op's mum is being cold...I thank the Lord for my lovely loving kind and understanding mum. I'd be there for my DC no question

It isn’t hard to work out the history here.

the husband has NEVER helped.*

so all those hand wringing that they/their mother would definitely prioritise them over the gym, are completely missing the point. It isn’t her responsibility, it’s the fathers.

women will never be equal whilst so many other women dismiss the inadequacies of men so so easily and cast their eye about for a woman to blame.

*he can’t possibly, he has a willy.

I hope your husband is taking over for the weekend so that you can have two days' complete rest, OP.

You completely ignored that I said the interval between sessions was very important. That may or may not be true here.
Having learnt the very hard way sometimes you need to put your own oxygen mask first. There is a high chance OPs mum is menopausal it is shit, a lot of it is finding the right balance of stuff, there is a tiny shift in that balance and you are totally messed up.
The OPs mum has a boundary her gym session, but she said she would come in the afternoon. Everyone on MN talks about setting boundaries with their parents, it is okay for the parents to set boundaries too.

I did it alone and didn't think twice about it. Why would I? My mother was working a full time job anyway. One time my husband was working overseas and me and five children all got the flu. My youngest was three months old. I set up camp beds in the living area, we bunked down in front of the TV, I got easy stuff delivered from online shopping. We did what we had to do and survived. It really wasn't that big a deal. If I'd got so sick I had to go to hospital, I know my mother would have come to help then.

To answer your questions, in my experience elderly people often don't want help. It hurts their pride. Would I offer to help carry? If I could and it seemed appropriate, yes. In my experience most would be insulted by the offer though.

Would I help someone with young kids? Depends. If I didn't have my arms full, I might. Depends if it felt appropriate.

That said, in a community group I'm part of, I did recently offer to help carry something for someone who had a back problem. It was appropriate and appreciated.

I don't recall anyone ever offering to help me with the supermarket or bags and it didn't bother me.

This is how it should work, I’m afraid. My Dh has a high level job and he still accepted that if I was so ill I could not safely look after our children when they were young, he had to work from home/take a day off. It only happened a couple of times in 10 years, but knowing that he WOULD be there when needed helped.

This is a DH issue, I’m afraid. Though I, as a mum, would absolutely have skipped the gym to help my DD and DGC. However, perhaps she was deliberately making you face the issue with your DH as he should always be the first call. And, tbh, her personal life is no less important than your DH’s job, is it?

Hi OP just to say this will defiantly need to be thought through, as when they go to childcare- literally they will be sick for the first year or so- literally every other week. It’s part of the process, so you need to have a good system in place- it will literally be one day in, one day sick/ it’s just how it goes.

youll be off work more than your in- so husband needs to step up I’m afraid

Good god

Yes because its always the responsibility of an older women to sacrifice her time to make a man's life easier.

If you're well enough to be posting frequently online, you're probably not as ill as you think you are.

No-one will be satisfied until all her own hopes and desires die and she runs herself into the ground exhausted.

It's not prioritising her life over her sick daughter and grandchildren though, it's prioritising it over her son in laws company. And why should she care about that?

To all of you saying ‘well I did it, so just get on with it’ about parenting seemingly entirely alone, imagine this scenario. An elderly person, male or female, is seen struggling with shopping bags in a supermarket. Would you simply ignore them or offer to help? I can’t imagine anyone walking past a struggling elderly person.

now imagine it’s a mum with two small children struggling with shopping bags. Would you walk past now? I worry some of you would, because you seem to think that it’s women’s jobs to just get on with things, because you did and others do, and having a bag day or wanting help is somehow weak. It is ironic that some of you are citing sexism in not expecting dad or grandad to help when your approach to expecting women to suck up hardship or plough through childcare when feeling shit is the very essence of gender based sexism - women should suck it up because we always have.

now imagine that mother with two toddlers and loads of shopping bags is walking not next to you but next to her mum. In my view, most mums would grab the bags or the kids and try to help. OPs cry for help to her mum when feeling ill was precisely this scenario - a short term, easily resolved issue which most loving parents would drop everything to help with.

in the absence of any poor relationship history or piss taking by the OP, which doesn’t seem to be the case here, I would most certainly feel hurt that my mum chose to go to some gym class instead of helping out her family. Not because she HAS to, but because she wants to. Because, and this is important, I would want to help anyone who was struggling, but I’d walk over hot coals for my family. So to find that fierce kind of protective love was not reciprocated would hurt like hell.

OP is a CF, I mean bemoaning that she only has a full days childcare and her DM could only come over in the afternoon!

How ungrateful and cheeky is that!