AIBU to expect my mum to cancel her gym session to look after my kids?

In which case she is well enough to wait a few hours until she can get there!

There's probably a difference between what ill enough means in those contexts. She might not be ill enough to risk her husband getting into bother at work, but she might feel ill enough to ask for support from her mum who is retired.

Not fair to expect someone to cancel plans to look after your kids if your husband didn’t think you were ill enough to cancel work.

And I will as soon as I’ve been to the gym session I’ve booked, see you this afternoon is sufficient from the DM as well.

To add, the OP never claimed she was on the verge of ringing 999. She just said she was ill enough that it would be challenging for her to look after her small children. That would be ill enough for most mums to help out.

You don’t need to present an effing doctors note! “Mum, I’m ill and I’m really struggling. Please can you help?” is enough.

If my child doesn’t have form for faking illness then I’d believe her. Of course I would.

If for some reason I thought she was faking, I’d want to get to the bottom of why she’s struggling so badly that she feels she needs to do that to get some help.

This is all assuming a good relationship, which the OP seems to think she has with her mother.

So every daughter that is also a mother is telling the truth and not a piss taking, ungrateful, entitled person? Where is the line drawn then? What if you actually think your child takes the piss? Is that never allowed? I don’t get your reasoning, not everyone on the world is nice or fair surely? You can’t just assume OP is telling the truth about how ill she was, her husband went to work so she clearly wasn’t on the verge of ringing 999. I don’t want to be hyperbolic but there are some bad / unfair / selfish / entitled people in the world and they were birthed by someone.

We’ve all got different priorities, helping my child when unwell which I presume doesn’t happen often would take priority over my Pilates class. If you would prioritise differently that’s ok too but I think most people would feel a little let down by that

I’d be upset in this situation too OP. She could even have switched her day and not done childcare next Tuesday if the free time was an issue.

It’s at least 2 days as OP said she does the same for her sibling too.

And she didn’t say she wouldn’t help. She said she would go and help in the afternoon. That wasn’t good enough for OP though (even though she wasn’t ill enough to ask her husband or anyone else to help)

its one days child care she does. I do matter as a woman and a mother but so does my daughter and if she needed help when unwell I would be there. I don’t think what I am saying is that unusual tbh, most mums do the same that I know. My dad would also do the same for me as would my partner for his children. It’s not about woman not mattering, it’s about helping your child when they’re unwell

which is your choice and it’s a perfectly valid one.

BUT so is protecting the “me” time you get as much as possible especially when you already give up at least 2 days to childcare.

We need to stop telling women that they don’t matter and that they have to drop everything for everyone else. Sometimes it’s fine to put yourself first and say “I can help in a few hours but not straight away”

Because even though I do Pilates 5 times a week I would not attend if my daughter needed me

Your husband is wrong for not helping. Your mother is not.

I agree with both sides, if it was my child I would help no questions asked. But, your mum doesn’t want to she has other commitments, it’s not really her issue to sort your husband should be helping. Getting help every Tuesday is also fab! I wish id of had that help. It’s also coming across as abit entitled. Your mums time is her time to do with as she pleases.

Yes it’s very feminist to have a weird cold transactional understanding of care for your nearest and dearest. And not be willing to even put yourself out in even the tiniest of ways for someone you’re meant to love more than anyone else in the world.

Honestly some of the replies on this thread are so cynical it makes me laugh.

You don’t enjoy looking after your grandchildren and you don’t want to do it. But you also don’t like facing the reality that this will affect for the worse your relationship with your children and grandchildren. That’s the reality.

You can go to the gym instead of helping your sick daughter and she will be disappointed, hurt, and think less of you. It’s not a feminist issue but a human issue.

The broader politics of care are indeed a feminist issue. But the idea that you’re striking some kind of blow for the sisterhood by not showing care for your daughter is just daft.

I say “your” because your messages are full of projection.

Well if the mum feels the daughter is entitled and a princess because she asks for help when she’s sick, she’s just not that nice a mum really.

Surely if your kid tells you they’re struggling and they need your help, you just take their word for it and help them. Or do you start on the “oh you don’t look all that sick to me”?

Why does the village almost always mean women pick up the pieces, first with their own children, then looking after elderly relatives, and then with their grandchildren. They are entitled to a life free from caring for others just occasionally.

Her mum might feel that it’s important for her to have clearly demarcated boundaries, knowing that if she doesn’t, she will simply be taken for granted and expected to continually provide childcare.

What we are largely ignoring here is the fact that the mum might feel that the daughter is a bit entitled and a bit of a princess. If she felt that the need was urgent, she would probably just drop everything. But she already works full days for two of her children, and knows that she needs to look after her own physical and mental well-being; her purpose in life is not simply to be a drudge for life, at everyone’s beck and call.

I haven’t read this whole thread but honestly, I’m shocked at how unkind and frankly ridiculous some people are. OP isn’t asking for some help because she wants to get her hair done, she’s unwell and so yes, on this one occasion I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her mum to miss the gym to help. It’s totally ridiculous for other posters to start banging on about not having kids if you can’t look after them. That is a totally unreasonable response. I do also sympathise with the difficulty in her husband taking the day off, however I do think he should just accept the aggro on this occasion as there is no other option and take the day off.

I get almost no help from our families beyond emergency help and this would also be given in a similar way - around their plans to play golf/go for a swim etc. For me, it just teaches me what I will do differently for my own children when they grow up and have children of their own.

Why on earth do you keep mentioning Pilates? It’s like you’re demeaning the OPS DMs hobbies/activities because you don’t think Pilates is a good enough reason to not drop everything and go to OPs.

Very demeaning!

Did you miss the part were the op said her mum asked and wanted to do childcare? Also I’d be happy to be my daughters first port of call if she is ill and her partner can’t take a day off work, I certainly wouldn’t say no for a Pilates class

Maybe she’s not, or maybe it is genuinely impossible for him to take parental leave at his work without putting himself at risk of some kind of backlash.

You cannot compare cancelling a gym session with cancelling work.

But anyway, let’s say her husband just doesn’t care about her suffering - that makes it even more upsetting that her mum doesn’t either.

She's not more important to her husband either