I assumed my children were included in brother’s barbecue invitation

In his (sort of) defence if I got that text from my sibling I'd be like "hang on...do you mean just us two are invited?"

But that just wouldn't happen in my family, if it's a day event with other kids mine would 100% be invited.

So it's just weird all round.

Before my DBro had kids of his own, he used to sometimes forget that I had kids that needed to be taken care of - he used to quite frequently text me and DH in the evenings to come out and would act confused when we'd say only one of us could come, or we'd need more notice to arrange a babysitter. Now he has kids of his own, he gets it!

If I got a message from him now to get together, I always assume the kids are invited unless it was explicitly set out to be adults only - and that would pretty much only be an evening dinner party or meal at a restaurant. At home for a BBQ, all the kids would be included by default, but in our family we take getting cousins together quite seriously.

Your brother sounds very strange and controlling, and the mind games where you aren't able to check who's invited and just told "refer to the text" are pathetic.

If he always argues back that his texts are clear, you have to tel lhim that they are NOT.

Because most people assume that a day time family invite to a bbq in the garden would include young children because

1. there's no good reason not to
2. because otherwise you'd have to go to the expense and bother of hiring childcare for the afternoon
3. as parents you like spending weekends with your children and think it is good for them to attend family events and get to know members of your family.
4. Who wants to waste a Sunday afternoon with someone who has excluded your children for no apparent reason.

And tell him to put that in his pipe and smoke it.

If he continues to argue.. he is your brother, you can reply.

"Brother you are really wierd.
You think your texts clear. They are not. Because no one can understand your reasons for excluding people.
Next time.. Be specific about who is and who is not invited.. and we can make the decision about whether we will or will not bother to come.
BTW, telling our mother that she should "read the text again", when she simply asked you for clarification was both rude and disrespectful"

He sounds controlling, wanting to keep people separate. You can't do that within families. Where did he expect you'd get childcare on a Sunday afternoon? People are wierd

Ok, now I'm invested.
What type of BBQ was it?

So basically he's a guy who can't actually make it in the real world but gets his element of control and self importance by dictating how he communicates to family and controling their movements/making life difficult by not wanting a partner or certain kids there. But isn't grown up enough/likes to controlling in a small man way to actually spell out what he wants

Your brother is inhospitable, rude, insensitive and not good at communication.

But given that you know this, I would specifically have asked.

And then not gone.

He's your brother and you can't 'phone him to check?

What a fucking knob.

Next time tell him to stuff his flambe leg of lamb and blackened fish up his chocolate starfish...

He sounds absolutely weird. I can’t see why you would even engage with this, life’s too short to put up with mind-games. Next invite, just respond “no thanks, our family is busy” instead of all this ridiculous wondering who is invited but being unable to ask because he doesn’t like that.
FWIW, of course most people would assume their small children are invited. Where are you going to get a babysitter at short notice on a Sunday afternoon?
He’s behaving like an idiot and it seems unfortunate that your wider family is willing to indulge him.

@Notmotherofflowergirls i do hope you return the favour before summer is out!

Who will he get to babysit?

I see his point, he asked about you and DH, he didn’t mention the kids. So if I were you I would have checked and let him know you’ll have the children with you and check it’s ok.

I do see you side also because it’s a family gathering on a Sunday afternoon, surely he’d know you’d have children with you?

Read the OPs few posts?

Easier to ask forgiveness than permission. I would just show up with the kids. They are hardly going to kick you out.

That's way too much effort and headspace allocated to someone who obviously doesn't give a shit about you.

I would stop engaging and we see at family events. Look at her history the brother and his wife were also weird when they got married and it's obvious they don't care about OP and her mother so stop engaging or have any expectations.

Frankly im surprised that OP is surprised given she knows what he is like and how he treats even his own mother.

How do you know they weren’t expected?

What was it then, Wagyu beef, lobster and champagne served by silver service wait staff?

Your brother treats your mother like that with regards to her partner "refer to the text" ?! What does his wife/partner make of his very odd attitude to dealing and communicating with family ?!

No, it is weird. He and his partner will hopefully wake up when his baby is older and realise that children are part of the family, and families generally come to weekend, pm barbecues. And that parents generally don't find it easy to find babysitters for weekend afternoons.

Weird he doesn't realise this already...

He's been rude.

Okay, so you and your mum know what he's like. As annoying as you might find it, you won't change him. So a suggestion for handling it - 'Hi X, would you and DH like to join us for a barbecue on Sunday' - 'Yes thanks, the four of us will see you at 3pm!'. Then if it's not what he meant the onus is on him to come back to you and clarify.

Really sorry Op but this is spectacularly ironic that an “ Everybody’s welcome" type does not want to welcome his sisters’ kids to his BBQ. I supose the children wanted a sausage and not some delicious Vegan treats!!

If my sister invited me to a BBQ at hers and did not specifically say It was an adult event I would expect my children were invited.

It's fine to text back and say "just checking you really do just mean me and Ben and not the kids".

But next time I just wouldn't go. Why do you want to spend time with someone who expects you to mind-read?

Your brother sounds rather odd. The scales may fall from his eyes if he gets to a stage in life where he is expected to source Sunday afternoon childcare.

He sounds like a fucking bellend. More specifically, the performative "good works, what a saint" public persona and then acting like a monumental dickhead, playing mind games to people he apparently loves... screams vulnerable narcissist.

Tell us again why you bother with him?