I assumed my children were included in brother’s barbecue invitation

Also, you say 'Sunday afternoon' but what time exactly are we talking? I'm starting to get confused about this formal bbq event with no children. Was it 2pm or more like 6pm?

B**dy Whatsapp - just phone him and speak to each other.

@WhatsUpWithGene the OP said it was on a Sunday afternoon - I do think if you invite your own family members, who have kids, to a BBQ on a Sunday afternoon the social convention is that it's a family occasion and the family comes as a package.

Evening is trickier and that's why people who send invitations have to be willing to clarify when people text to follow up. Because there are unspoken social conventions that make these things tricky, even if you think you've been clear.

I'm wondering if the BBQ was things like seafood, oysters, fancy stuff.

At ours

Satay chicken
Garlic prawns
Char Sui pork
Soy marinated squid
Chorizo, pepper and rocket rolls
Mini pizzas (on the pizza stone)

No burgers or sausages unless people are hungry after they’ve eaten and socialised and want something just before they go home, as they’re quick. Which rarely happens as we do lots of sides as well.

Well then, what type of bbq was it?
You say your brother holds formal events, more formal than the rest of the family, and that this was not an ordinary bbq. It's sounding like more of a traditional dinner party event, with babies allowed as they are too young to leave with babysitters.

I’d certainly have assumed kids invited. What are you supposed to do with them? Lock them in basement?

Again, can we please hear about the BBQ food that isn't sausages and burgers, @Notmotherofflowergirls ?

It’s a bit frustrating with the drip feeding and not including relevant information or answering questions about things like the children’s ages and if the BBQ was for a specific or special occasion.

I suspect there is a bit of a backstory or more to it. We don’t know what the text said or how much notice was given.

I have no children and have had adult BBQ’s in the evening where it’s been clear by the invite it’s not suitable for children with lots of notice.
I appreciate though that this is different as it’s a Sunday afternoon which makes it seem like a family afternoon occasion and in normal circumstances children would be automatically expected.

My text to a friend would say something like
”Would you and Chris like to come on Saturday evening for a BBQ in 3 weeks time?
We’ve got plenty of drinks so no need to bring anything and veggie options as well as steak, Salmon and kebabs etc.
Sarah, Poppy and Lucy are coming with their husbands so hope to see you then”.

If someone had brought their children I’d have been a bit surprised but then they could easily post on here:
“AIBU for bringing my children to a weekend BBQ at a friend’s when they weren’t expected?” without that context and I’d expect the majority to say IABU.

Without the full story we don’t really know if OP’s brother is BU despite the OP making it seem he is.

I've just re-read seen that his text only included your DH's name! So you're saying that according to his stupid games, not only were your DC not expected but you yourself, his own sister, wasn't expected either?!

Yes, it does leave rather a lot to be desired.

You did ithing wrong. I'd expect him to be explicit about it if the children were not invited.

You both sound very odd

The whole point is that the OP CAN'T ask him - whenever she has he says a smug "refer to the earlier text" which is unhelpful.

I think he might need to have it spelled out to him that he may not realise this yet as his DC is only one, but as a social convention, when you invite the parents of a family with children to anything during the daytime on a weekend, the family comes as a unit unless otherwise specified.

I would say, "To avoid any more confusion, please don't invite me to events where my children aren't invited. I won't be paying for childcare to attend a family event, so I will only come if they can."

If he's that difficult then I'd not be at the bbq anyway! It doesn't sound a pleasant way to spend a Sunday if he sends an invite to your DH and it doesn't include family (but you're just meant to guess that). I'd bin him off "So sorry, we thought it was all of us, but no worries, we can leave you in peace <small laugh>". I'd say not including family to a bbq invite is unusual unless you say so but who wants to play guessing games with King Cock-Up.

I expect there were ribs and chicken pieces and steaks, rather than hotdogs and burgers in a bun.

Kindly, you have quite a few threads relating to you and/or your daughter/s not being included in events with friends and with both sides of your family- can you see no reason why this may be the case?

From the outside, I’m wondering if there are any behavioural issues or wider issues that are influencing others’ decisions.

Yes, I would assume children were invited. What did he expect you to do with your children?

What type of BBQ was it, out of interest?

So what’s the type of BBQ that doesn’t involve BBQ food ? You’re coming across just as oddly as your brother now tbh OP

Your brother sounds compassionate for the public (his visible role) but an ass in private (with family).

Of course you assumed your children were invited; most people would as it was a family event and didn't specify adults-only. Where did he think you would put your children if they weren't included without actual notice that it was adults-only? (which it wasn't; plenty of babies there!)

I would 100% assume kids invited to any day time BBQ unless the invite specifically said 'adults only'

Just ask him. 🤷‍♀️

Me too!
And in what way that children couldn't be included? A sit down dinner in a marquee on the lawn? Naked pool party?