I assumed my children were included in brother’s barbecue invitation

If I had invited the parents of a 10 year old and a 7 year old for a BBQ on a weekend day, I would expect them to bring the children with them, @Notmotherofflowergirls. Where did your brother think the children would be - home alone? At the pub? Wandering round the shops?

Bloody hell, your brother sounds like hard work.

I genuinely do not know anyone who would expect siblings to find a babysitter for a family bbq on a Sunday afternoon!

I wouldn't even expect FRIENDS to invite to a Sunday afternoon bbq without kids.

It's very weird. So no, you are not unreasonable to have assumed what most people would have assumed to.

It's very shit move from the brother , who does that?

100% admit the text only mentioned my DH’s name.

So he only invited your husband - not you or the kids - to a Sunday BBQ?

I think I'd find that a bit rude TBH.

Well either you ring and be in wrong or take his messages very literally and respond to that or you do what you want and assume host will acommodate - which is what happened.

He would have texted back that had he meant the kids he would have included their names.

There's your answer, then. Text him and ask. You'll get a response clarifying it, even if the tone might leave something to be desired. And if he refers you back to the original text, 'Can't exactly leave them at home alone, so the kids are obviously included, then. Cool'.

Cannot be doing with people who seem to pride themselves upon being as ambiguous as possible in case they're seen to be making a decision.

Yes - I find it frustrating too!

No, if you're going against a social convention (that a sunday afternoon BBQ invite includes the whole family, not just the adults), then the onus is on the brother to be clear that that's not actually the case.

@CrypticClueless my kids would also have eaten seafood! DS2 has adored raw oysters since he was allowed to have them - I only mentioned it because some people don't like to "waste" expensive stuff on kids, or make the assumption that kids will only eat burgers, hot dogs, pasta and junk food so they won't have anything to eat if they come along.

He would have texted back that had he meant the kids he would have included their names.

So if you knew your brother would have responded in that way it sounds like you know his communication style and who the invite was for - solely the two people mentioned, you and your husband (or actually, as you admit, just your husband). So it sounds like you were the one being challenging OP? Sounds like you knew who it would have been for but wanted your children there anyway? I think you and your brother would be tiring to deal with.

I thought issue was phone and whatsapping to clarify is frowned on by both brother and his wife. So OP left to figure out what is meant when most of us would just ring text whatapp to find out.

Now she knows he only means those mentioned - she know in future that is what is meant.

If next time Op yoou only do/take what is literally in any text and that's wrong well it's likely a power play of putting you in wrong OP.

Yes I totally get that and would expect children automatically if I held a casual Sunday afternoon BBQ with no notice because I appreciate it would be impossible to arrange childcare and I’d want to see the children anyway.

OP has referred to her brother holding more formal gatherings though and hasn’t included enough information about what the BBQ was for or how much notice given so it’s not really clear if he’s BU without that information.

She has been drip feeding bits of information which is why I replied to the quote about her communication style.

It just sounds very odd as pp’s have said and I feel we are missing part of the story.

OK, so it was a sort of adult friends BBQ rather than 'family'.
25 adult friends isn't really a family occasion.
He doesn't have the wit or grace to understand that in most people's worlds a Sunday afternoon BBQ from your brother usually means his nieces / nephews would be included.
He is very literal in his communication.
So take him as you find him.

(OP - YOU brought up the food by telling us it wasn't a sausage and burger BBQ, so it seemed relevant)

So it starting to sound as if he is clear on who is invited but others make assumptions based on time of day/type of event/partner was invited before!

Seems pretty similar to her brother's!

@DraigCymraeg "Bdy Whatsapp - just phone him and speak to each other."

Yep, people are going to lose the ability to hold conversations at this rate. If they haven't already. It's bloody ridiculous.

Can I come to your next BBQ please, I won't bring my kids.

Your brother sounds odd and controlling. I would always assume my DS was involved, unless ‘adults only’ was raised to me.

He would have texted back that had he meant the kids he would have included their names.

Assume that next time - seems odd to me as it would be a no can't get chidlcare on a sunday afternoon.

As he has a baby does he have on demand childcare and just assumes everyone esle does or just didn't bother thinking things through?

you have got two choices really
Tolerate
Don't tolerate.

My Dc would have eaten seafood etc.

Kids can attend events where sausages and hot dogs are not served without danger or risk.

It is v rude not to invite your kids especially as others had their babies which can be more distracting

is your kids behaviour ( or your management of it an isdue)

What's a major major issue? Ringing to check? Also if other children were there I don't understand what the issue was?

I would also expect that it was an invite for the whole family unless the text said otherwise.

So what did he cook at the BBQ, and why didn't he want your kids there? And what do you mean by a more formal event. How formal can a Sunday afternoon BBQ (with two babies present) get? And why don't people talk to each other on the phone any more. So many questions!