I assumed my children were included in brother’s barbecue invitation

Tbh I would still be very surprised if there's no neurodivergence undiagnosed, given what you said about the phone calls.

Being compassionate and witty, being a godfather and helping refugees are not mutually exclusive with autism.

Absolutely this. He’s their uncle! I’d be busy as well next time. Tbh though OP your brother sounds really hard work if he’s always trying to invite random subsets of his family.

We arrived to find that they weren’t expected. Our cousin was there with their baby and a few friends, one of whom had a baby.

From one of OPs posts, more than one baby, not just the hosts.

I still don't see it as that weird! He can hardly exclude his own kid from his house, but if all, or even half, of his 25 guests bought 1-2 kids between them suddenly that's doubled the size of the party, and completely changed the atmosphere from an adult event where the hosts own child was present for a bit before being put down for a nap, to a big multi-age party.

1 baby (who can be put down to sleep in their own bedroom) is very different to ten kids, ranging from toddlers who have to be constantly supervised, 8 year olds running around playing, and bored teens sulking, all taking up space and attention.

In my experience having your own kid doesn't magically mean you suddenly love all kids or want to socialise with them! It's very normal, for example, for a wedding to be child-free other than the children of the couple getting married - it's an easy way to draw a line.

YABU to be drip feeding over pages.

The fact he has chosen to have a group of adult friends round, and made allowances for those with small babies, and kindly asked if you'd like to join this adult gathering is fine. It might not be what you would choose to do, and might not be what the families of other pasters would do, but it is a perfectly legitimate thing to choose to do - perhaps more so when it sounds like a more sophisticated soiree than a burger and sausage / kids running round the garden affair. Both can be fun, but they are different events. The hosts get to choose what sort of event they wish to host.

YABU to assume other people were invited anywhere, when the text was clear in mentioning names. Had he said "Would 'you' like to come round", that is more ambiguous, but you admit he said "Dave and you" which therefore makes it clear it isn't "Dave, you and the kids".

YAparticularlyU to do so, as you know your brother and his ways of behaving and communicating. Asking 'the internet' without explaining how your bother is, is also unreasonable, because you know posters will answer thinking of their own brother, without knowing that your brother is different from yours without all the drip, drip dripping you have been doing.

What did he expect you to do with the kids?

Yes otherwise I wouldn’t go.

Your brother is ice cold

You should have mentioned the kids when accepting - I assume you texted to say you were coming- so me, DH, kid1 and kid2 will be there thanks. Then the onus would be on your brother to speak up if he didn't want the kids there.

This is one of those situations where you don't realise quite how dysfunctional it is OP because you are so used to it.

It is fucking weird to invite your sister and brother in law to a barbecue and on a Sunday afternoon without their children. And that's without getting into the all the deeply strange ways in which you are allowed to communicate with him

Whenever I ask my sister if she wants to meet we both assume kids will be there unless stated otherwise

Sundays is a no go for me. Family day. End of.
So I would assume kids invited. If not, I wouldn't be near it.

👍

To give OP’s brother some credit, he has made his communication preferences crystal clear, so much so that OP can accurately predict how he would respond to texts, but people continue to either assume he doesn’t mean what he clearly says, or they call him instead of text!

Just respect his communication style. Don’t call him. Take his invites exactly as he words them.

(Admittedly he is rigid and a bit uptight, and I will say that being employed, intelligent and compassionate doesn’t mean he isn’t ND! There are plenty of us!!)

@Notmotherofflowergirls your brother doesn’t follow basic social norms and expectations. As you know, what’s written in a text isn’t the whole message and it might be worth reminding him of this. If my brother text and said are you free to come to a bbq on Sunday, I’d assume the whole family was invited, not just me, and that’s an assumption most people would make in that situation. It’s not common to exclude your children in this situation, so if he didn’t want them there he needed to expressly say this in the text. If he and his friends are only just having babies, then he’s going to lose a lot of friends and upset many people in the near future if he doesn’t learn and follow basic social norms when it comes to social activities.

May be he just doesn't like your kids? Some are annoying and parenting styles clash, being family doesn't erase that

Your brother and your whole family sounds extremely...unusual. Strange, even.

Calm down love - it was just a question! 😄

I voted YABU but because this was an invitation from your brother - you know full well what he is like, how he functions, how he communicates! Knowing this - what made you think that an invitation to you + DP is actually an invitation to you + DP + 2xDC? From everything you have said he'd have included them if he wanted them there!

Your brother does enjoy having you all dance to his tune doesn't he?
As an aside, i've met a few people like this in 'compassionate' jobs. Vulnerable people tend to follow the rules of those who are helping them, which suits controlling people well. They also get to hide bad behaviour, rudeness, impatience, behind being a good person doing important work.

This would be completely unheard of in my family - to have your own DC there but expect other people to leave theirs home.

Is it because he basically wants adult socialising and conversation, and doesnt want anyone paying attention to DC (but disregards because they sleep/dont interrupt conversation/dont dictate timings etc).

Bil was like this a bit but now has his own daughter & realises how awful he was. Hes rather apologetic now

I’d always assume kids were invited unless specifically stated otherwise and the reason for family things or with those with children themselves. I think some of you are in different worlds. My dc were included to parties, even cocktail parties and dinner parties growing up, my dd said it was really helpful because she new how to behave and eat formally when she joined the military

Ooo-err, proper fancy!

I like it.

Then why didn't you TEXT him back? Why does it have to be a phone call? If you know he prefers texting communication, why not respect that?

Your brother is weird.